Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 6/27/14

Good Morning,

It’s LGBTQ week at the office!  I’m Q!  Business!
 
A Dutch UNICEF ambassador has resigned her post after tweeting a photoshopped picture of Colombian soccer players snorting cocaine off the field.  “I picked the wrong joke, and I am truly sorry,” actress Nicolette Van Dam said in a statement.  “If there’s anything Colombia is known for, it’s shooting their players after they have a bad match.”
 
Singer Katy Perry has offered to write Hillary Clinton a theme song if the senator decides to run for president in 2016.  “You already did!”  Clinton tweeted in response to the offer, “I’ve kissed several girls and I liked them!”

Big week for Anna from swimwear!  Summer’s heating up!!

Katie Couric married financier John Molner over the weekend, sadly ensuring that my Couric-Lauer fan fiction will remain just that.
 
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed relics from an ancient plague that may have helped spread Christianity.  “These artifacts represent an important time in the history of our religion,” said Pope Francis, “and have given me a very good idea.”

Jerry, I saw the teeth marks.

According to a recent CDC study, excessive drinking causes 10% of deaths in working adults.  In non-working adults, the figure jumps to 100%.
 
A Native American group is planning to file a $9 billion lawsuit against the Cleveland Indians, claiming the organization’s “Chief Wahoo” logo is offensive.  “Based on this country’s history,” said Indians president Mark Shapiro, “we fully expect that the Native Americans will somehow wind up owing us money.”

The United States has advanced to the round of 16 at the World Cup!  In celebration, everyone gets to watch the next match on his or her DVR when he or she finishes work on Tuesday!

Actor Shia LaBeouf has been charged with disorderly conduct after disrupting a performance of Cabaret on Broadway.  “I always had a hunch, but this proved it,” said one chagrined theatergoer, “Shia LaBeouf is worse than the Nazis.”

The German government has canceled a contract with Verizon over concerns that the company may be sharing data with the US government.  “We just cannot afford to take any risks,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in a statement, “I’ve got a lot of kinky shit on my phone.”

A Maryland father recently hit a teacher with a baseball bat for sending his daughter “inappropriate texts.”  In a related story, teachers in Maryland have students’ cell phone numbers.

George from legal came out today.

-The Chairman

Standard