Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/5/17

Good Morning,

Well, fuck it, I tried.  I did absolutely everything I could to make this company profitable and give back to the shareholders and fuck over everyone who doesn’t work for us and enrich myself greatly by quasi-legal means.  And what did I get in return?  The Syrian government is killing children with chemical weapons and North Korea is firing ballistic missiles at Japan.  Meanwhile, the United States has a real estate shyster and the head of a fossil fuel company doing diplomacy.  Oh, and did I mention that at least one of those two DIDN’T WANT THE FUCKING JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Now it’s only a matter of time before every single one of us is incinerated in the greatest extinction event since the dinosaurs.  WHICH EXISTED, MIKE PENCE.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

It is with a heavy heart that I present to you what may very well be the last business of our lives.

A new study indicates that playing a single game of Tetris can reduce the effects of PTSD.  And increase the effects of TSD.

New York design firm Clouds Architecture Office has drafted plans for a skyscraper that would orbit the Earth while hanging from an asteroid.  The structure is being marketed as the perfect place for those who “don’t want to close their eyes, don’t want to fall asleep.”

Congratulations, Anna from HR.  I’m glad you finally graduated from community college in time to die.

A missing Indonesian man was recently found dead in the belly of a giant python.  To clarify, the man was Chinese, but the python’s name was Donesia.

The number of heroin users in the United States has increased fivefold.  And that’s just since November.

Jerry, do whatever the fuck you want.

A new company is matching up people with opposite political views over free Starbucks coffee, in the hopes that they can at least agree it tastes burnt.

Following its successful launch of a recycled rocket booster, Elon Musk’s company SpaceX is currently hiring 473 positions.  The only necessary qualification is an ability to be talked down to.

Who wants scones?  Enjoy your last indulgence before our fiery apocalypse- Conference Room C.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed to close famed prison complex Rikers Island.  In response, HBO is suspending original content development indefinitely.

The Coastal Carolina University cheerleading squad has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged prostitution.  Some of the school’s sports teams reportedly became suspicious when the cheerleaders’ only chant was “Give me a D!”

You know what I’ll miss most?  Apples.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

-The Chairman

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