Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/4/16

Who’s excited for tonight’s VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE???

Don’t all jump at once.

Well, at least we have THE BUSINESS.

North Korea has banned sarcasm.  It’ll totally work.

Brad Pitt, recently separated from wife Angelina Jolie, is reportedly being investigated for child abuse.  Pitt contends his children watched Babel of their own accord.

Anna from Payroll wins again!  Nobody else could name more than four continents?  Really?

Canada has announced that all of its national parks will be fee free for the entirety of 2017.  Many Americans have expressed surprise that there ever were fees, as Canadians have historically been far too polite to collect them.

In his new autobiography, Hall of Famer Steve Young says that a referee once gave him a favorable call because he wanted the quarterback to go out with his daughter.  “I told him, ‘I appreciate it, sir, but I usually try to avoid the sack.’”  Young writes.  “But seriously, I’m Mormon and sex is a disgusting sin like coffee.”

Jerry, the foreman of the jury does not get two votes.

Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin Lord Ivar Mountbatten has become the first member of the British Royal Family to come out as gay.  “I’m finally ready to say it:” Mountbatten wrote in a statement, “from time to time, I do like to engage in a bit of hibbity-pibbity.”

Furniture company Taybles is currently offering a $2,300 coffee table shaped like a cassette tape.  Those who sign up for the accompanying subscription plan will be sent a new CD-shaped table in 10 years, then no tables ever again.

Don’t forget that this Thursday is photo day!  This year’s theme is Hieronymus Bosch.

A Swedish court has ordered one of the country’s colleges to refund an American student’s tuition after giving her a “useless” degree.  The student, who is planning on enrolling in an American university, is retaining counsel.

Eighteen-year-old Australian pilot Lachlan Smart has become the youngest person to fly around the world in a single engine plane, completing the journey in eight weeks.  Since completing the feat, Smart has resumed his life as a wealthy young man with nothing but time.

I hope Tim Kaine “hablas español” at the debate tonight… I know how the “chicas” !!love that¡¡

-The Chairman

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