Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/31/18

My Fellow Gerrymanderers,

I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…

#RELEASETHEMEMO

#BUSINESS

Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died.  He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.

Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery.  To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.

Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech!  I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!

In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.”  The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!

Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon.  Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.

LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.”  She later added, “And also at golf.”

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91.  “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement.  “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters!  I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!

The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama.  “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”

#RELEASETHEHOUNDS.

Let’s make that a thing.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/8/17

Great news, everyone- we’re hiring teachers!  I mean, they don’t have to be “teachers,” per se… just, like, friends are fine.  I never thought we’d get into the education sector, but there’s money to be made!  Now someone draft me up a “charter”…

Last week, Scotland’s Campbelltown airport was home to the first British flight in 50 years to depart without a security screening.  Shortly after takeoff, the plane was hijacked by universal dignity and an abiding sense of calm.

President Donald Trump has appointed former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani his cyber security advisor.  The decision is the latest in a long line of controversial appointments by Trump, including Ivanka Trump as First Lady and R. Kelly as ambassador to Russia.

Congratulations, Anna from Analytics, on your Oscar nomination!  I still don’t know where to find those fantastic beasts, but I know you are definitely one of them.

North Korea’s official news agency has accused the United States and South Korea of plotting a preemptive attack on the country.  Donald Trump has since assured North Korea it is under no threat, as it is not the values of liberty and justice for all.

New website Pizza to the Polls allows people to send pizzas to protesters around the country.  The site has reportedly escalated tensions between conservatives who have sent thousands of pizzas through the site and liberal recipients who do not eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

Jerry, your Q2 evaluation is not “fake news.”

A Cheeto that looks like deceased gorilla and favorite meme Harambe has reportedly sold for almost $100,000.  The bidder is said to be a group of 10 million teenagers contributing one cent each with the explicit goal of undermining any remaining faith in Western civilization.

Reddit has banned two major forums associated with the alt-right.  The decision ensures that the groups’ members will never post anything anywhere on the Internet ever again.

This winter, stay warm by fucking your coworkers!

Salmon prices around the world are rising rapidly due to a growing population of parasitic sea lice.  The outbreak has caused many to question why the fish still haven’t instituted mandatory lice checks in schools.

Last week, customs officers in Texas uncovered almost two tons of marijuana, valued at approximately $800,000, hidden in a shipment of key limes.  “Gr8 news!”  Donald Trump tweeted in response to the discovery.  “Now we can pay for the wall!”

I always liked Michigan.  Land of the free, home of the lakes.  And schools!  Lots and lots of $chool$…

-The Chairman

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