Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?

BUSINESS!

When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/2/14

It’s #givingtuesday!  Do you know what that means?  Neither do I!  Business!

American Joey Chestnut won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut over the Thanksgiving holiday, eating an entire 20-pound bird.  He received $5,000 for the feat, which will be put towards a new pyloric sphincter.

West Virginia has elected America’s youngest state legislator, 18-year-old Saira Blair, a freshman at West Virginia University.  “She seems like a fine choice,” said voter Wilhelmina Pauling, 87.  “To be honest… there aren’t many people left in this state.”

Let’s all take a second to acknowledge Anna from PR, who successfully orchestrated a military coup in Burkina Faso!  And she still made it back in time to carve the turkey… bravo!

According to recent reports, a Hungarian researcher noticed a lost work of art while watching the 1999 children’s movie Stuart Little.  The masterpiece, seen on the movie’s living room set at various points, is titled Jonathan Lipnicki’s face.

Attorney General Eric Holder forgave protesters who interrupted his recent speech with chants about Ferguson, Missouri, telling them “I ain’t mad at cha.”  He then added, “See what I did there?  Tupac was killed by a gun.  Get it?  Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.”

And you call yourself a journalist… Jerry, you should be ashamed.

The FBI has warned the US military of impending attacks by ISIS.  In a series of leaked memos, the FBI also warned against “the possible rise of fascism in Weimar Germany” and “Soviet aggression in the sovereign state of Vietnam.”

“Cyber Monday” deals extended to the so-called “Dark Web” this year, with criminals offering discounts on everything from narcotics to stolen credit card information.  “Yup, just come on down to Bill’s Discount Assault Weapons, located in the abandoned water tower off State Highway 3 in Watonga, Oklahoma to claim your deal!” wrote one merchant, known only as “Sid.”  He later added, “Shit.”

A Florida man claims he shot his mother full of arrows because she “gave [his] father cancer.”  Florida and Nevada remain the only states in the US where it is legal to marry a cigarette.

It’s deer hunting season on the company campus!  But please… don’t shoot the interns.  We don’t need a repeat of last year.

The combined cost of all the items in the holiday carol “The 12 Days of Christmas” has risen an estimated 1% from last year.  Experts attribute the rise to an uptick in the price of cocaine, which is necessary to keep the pipers piping and the lords a-leaping.

The NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been accused of holding stadium employees in “indentured servitude.”  “Look at it this way,” explained Commissioner Roger Goodell in a recent press conference, “they sell fans hot dogs and, in exchange, we don’t punch them in elevators or drive drunk with them in the car.  It’s a win-win.”

It’s getting dark early these days!  Stock up on vitamin D… before it’s too late.

-The Chairma

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