Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/19/19

Happy Juneteenth, everyone! Staying waaaaaaaaaaay the hell away from that one.

Business!

A therapy group in Boulder, Colorado meets regularly to discuss the health benefits of drinking urine. Donald Trump has denied that any tapes exist of him ever visiting Boulder, let alone attending a meeting.

Right-wing group “Super Happy Fun America” has applied for the necessary permits to host a “straight pride” parade in Boston this August, with Brad Pitt as its mascot. Pitt has since denounced the group’s use of his image, calling himself “a perfect Kinsey 3.”

Anna from Maintenance, is that you in those neti pot ads? I’d know that technique anywhere.

Warships from the United States and Russia nearly collided in the Pacific Ocean two weeks ago. “I saw the other ship and I thought it was one of ours,” Russian Captain Sergei Popov told RT after the incident, “cause, you know.”

Child pornography has been found in materials that conspiracy theorist Alex Jones sent to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook massacre. Jones has demanded it be returned to him immediately.

Jerry, you never dated Natalie Portman.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort will reportedly be imprisoned at Rikers Island. Manafort has told associates he has already struck a lucrative consulting deal with the Crips to represent the group’s interests in Ukraine.

A truck crashed outside of Bozeman, Montana last Monday while transporting 40,000 pounds of bees, releasing an estimated quarter of its cargo. Officials said that they find it suspicious that the crash occurred 13 years to the day after the release of The Wicker Man.

Do you live in constant fear of a sudden and inexplicable death? Stop by Conference Room C4 tomorrow at 3 PM for an introduction to our new company-sponsored life insurance program! No need to RSVP- you might not make it.

United States birth rates are at their lowest in 32 years. “We’d better correct this soon,” former US Senate candidate Roy Moore recently wrote on his personal blog, “VERY soon.”

Authorities in the Dominican Republic believe they have found the man who paid hitmen to shoot David Ortiz while the former baseball player was in the country last week. “My associate clearly misheard me,” the accused, Gabriel Alexander Perez Vizcaino, told authorities in his defense, “I said ‘take him out… to the ballgame.’”







… but when will whites get their own Juneteenth?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/10/18

Welcome to 2018, empty vessels!  Let’s start this new year off right… WITH SOME BUSINESS.

The University of Alabama beat the University of Georgia to win the Division I college football “National Championship” on Monday night.  Tickets to the game rose in value to almost $2,000 before kickoff, or roughly 1/3rd of Alabama’s GDP.

Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton was lambasted on social media recently for suggesting that poor children who cannot afford breakfast eat avocado tortillas.  “I apologize for my mistake,” billionaire Middleton said in a statement.  “I just assumed all poor children lived in Mexico.”

Congratulations, Anna from Operations, on your championship-winning fantasy football team, Roy Moore Elementary!  If Jerry had used that name it would have been wholly inappropriate, but I know your intentions are pure.

Despite not being accused of any sort of sexual harassment, documentarian Morgan Spurlock wrote an open letter to fans saying that he’s “part of the problem” of our gender-unequal society.  Critics say the unexpected gesture was solely designed to generate hype for his upcoming sequel, Super Size #MeToo.

Apple is reportedly considering ending music downloads on its once-popular iTunes store.  As a result, U2’s Songs of Innocence will remain the most downloaded album of all time.

Jerry, no more deportations.

New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art is doing away with its “suggested donation” policy for out-of-towners, and will begin charging a $25 admission fee.  “As part of the decision, the museum will repatriate all of its foreign works to their countries of origin,” Director Thomas P. Campbell said of the controversial decision.  “Just kidding.”

Sources say special counsel Robert Mueller has indicated he would like to interview Donald Trump as part of the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, prompting concerns from Trump that Mueller might actually be a real person.

With snow in the east and mudslides out west, don’t you just want to “dance yourself clean”?  Well now you can!  Join us at 6:30 AM Friday in the third floor cafeteria as we present a special set by James from Accounting’s cover band, Liquid Crystal Boombox!

The bodies of a Swiss couple who went missing 75 years ago have been found perfectly preserved in a receding glacier.  The discovery is seen as a major victory for proponents of global warming.

Last summer, German police seized 5,000 pills shaped like Donald Trump.  The pills are said to be a relative of ecstasy known as “agony.”

I wouldn’t call myself a “very stable genius”… more like a “voluptuous sexual monstrosity.”

-The Chairman

PS- Ever wondered what I think about amaranthPoughkeepsieKojevian rhetoric as it relates to a Christian reading of Hegelian dialectic?  Write to chairofthebored@gmail.com.  THE COLUMNS ARE BACK, BABY.  And I would like nothing more than to educate my loyal (and consenting) workforce in how you can better serve… me.

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