Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/6/18

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you laundered that money, remember?

The Ukrainians, the Russians… you name it. Who didn’t “look after” us in our time of need? Oh, and don’t worry, we “took care” of that journalist. As in… killed him. Dead. Deady dead. Night night. Oh- hey, Paul, can you hold on a second?

Hello, plebeians! Didn’t see you there. Just catching up with my old friend Paul Manafort on a VERY secure line. He is definitely NOT GUILTY. MANY LIVES RUINED BY THIS FAKE “RUSSIA” “PROBE!”

BUSINESS.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is stepping down. Sources say Schultz may run for president, where he would inherit a proud tradition of making black people feel unwelcome.

A Swedish nuclear physicist has created an app that acts as a contraceptive by using a mathematical algorithm to determine when it is safe to have unprotected sex. The app’s working title is “Babe, trust me.”

Everyone please welcome Anna from Finance back from her monthlong sabbatical in Thailand! Cholera is a small price to pay for all that relaxation.

Donald Trump canceled the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ planned visit to the White House yesterday. Though Trump said it was a response to the NFL’s national anthem protests, sources close to the reality host said he has feared unwanted guests ever since he was visited by three ghosts last Christmas.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund, created to ensure financial stability for future generations, is now valued at $1 trillion. The country has been able to save so much by investing heavily in public schools, social services, and universal healthcare.

Jerry, you are not dating Grimes.

Irish citizens overwhelmingly voted to overturn their country’s ban on abortion last month, endangering the lives of no one.

A Republican candidate for governor of Massachusetts who believes the Holocaust was orchestrated by gay Nazis gained enough support at the party’s recent convention to appear on the ballot this fall. He is expected to receive as many votes as people he believes were killed in the Holocaust.

Great news! 90% of our workforce qualified for federal aid last year, up a whopping 6% from the year prior! As the kids say, keep gettin dem (government) checks!!

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho plans to simultaneously marry two women in a ceremony later this month. “As one of the greatest futbol players ever,” Ronaldinho said in a statement, “I am used to squeezing balls between two people.”

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher of California recently declared his view that homeowners should be able to refuse to sell their houses to gay people. “I don’t know why gay people think they need a home,” Rohrbacher told reporters, “when all they really need is the closet.”

Wait, really? You and Putin did what?

Oh, Paul… you’re fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/21/18

Happy second day of spring, vassals! Or, for those on the East Coast, first day of winter! Won’t it be great when climate change finally rids us of this infernal white pestilence forever?

Won’t be long now…

Business!

UN investigators have determined that Facebook played a significant role in the violent persecution of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar. Mark Zuckerberg has responded by announcing a 12-village speaking tour in or near the country streaming live on Facebook Watch, as well as a donation of $1 million over the next 200 years to fight Tritanopia in the area.

Donald Trump Jr., whose wife Vanessa recently filed for divorce, reportedly had an affair with musician Aubrey O’Day while she was a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice. O’Day is best known as the lead singer of Danity Kane, the band Trump Jr. would be if he were a band.

Anna from Accounting, are you the Blarney Stone? Cause after kissing you I just can’t stop talking about it! NOT good news for my marriage.

This week, for the first time, the Israeli military admitted to a 2007 strike on a suspected nuclear reactor site in Syria. “You know, we thought all you guys were crazy,” Israeli spokesman Chaim Lubovitch said of the admission, “but it does feel good to deny something.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the White House will have no comment on Vladimir Putin’s uncontested victory in Russia’s presidential election, saying the US “can’t dictate” how other countries choose their leaders. She then added, “That’s a one-way street.”

Jerry, you did not pick UMBC.

During a recent seminar, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank chocolate milk to illustrate the need for diversity in the workplace. “Personally, I thought it was tone deaf,” said HR rep James Brewer, who was in attendance at the event. “Everybody knows regular milk is better for you.”

A small dose of Viagra, administered daily, has been shown to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in mice. Treated mice have also shown increased ability to fuck their way out of a maze.

Time for an update on our March Madness pool! It still hasn’t been cleaned, so please do NOT swim in it. Hope it’ll be ready by the Final Four!

Necco, the venerable confectioner behind the message hearts popular around Valentine’s Day, is preparing to close its Massachusetts factory. “It’s not a good climate for us right now,” CEO Michael McGee said in a statement. “We make the only candy that can get you fired.”

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that pornographic actress Stormy Daniels passed a 2011 polygraph test during which she said she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump. “This means nothing,” Trump lawyer Joseph diGenova said at a recent press conference. “As we’ve all seen, she’s a great actress.”

Hey, it’s better than nuclear winter!

That’s next spring.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/14/18

Gooooood morning, sports fans! As some of you are no doubt aware, the yearly roundball phenomenon known as “March Madness” begins tomorrow! I don’t know about you, but I can already taste the sweat…

Business!

Days after the Chinese Communist Party abolished term limits, allowing President Xi Jinping to continue ruling indefinitely, Donald Trump mused that he might “give that a shot” as well. “I’ve been saying it all along,” Trump told assembled reporters, “I’m a dictator!”

At a recent conference in Houston, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that the US could either continue using fossil fuels or “go back to living like we were living in the mid-1800s.” Perry then added, “I mean, either is fine with me- I like oil but slavery rules.”

Watch out, Anna from Intelligence– the Russians are coming! Remember, if you suspect you’ve been poisoned by a military-grade nerve agent, stop, drop, and roll… yourself to a hospital immediately.

Washington has become the first US state to pass a law preserving net neutrality. As a result, all Internet traffic into and out of the state must be “neutrally” approved by Amazon.

In further Amazon news, CEO Jeff Bezos received the Buzz Aldrin Space Exploration Award at the Explorer’s Club Annual Dinner Saturday night in New York City. At the dinner, the current richest man in the world was seen eating iguana and ignoring widespread poverty.

Jerry, please stop referring to yourself as “the overall #1 seed.”

During his annual address to Russia’s parliament, President Vladimir Putin touted his country’s military might by showing an animation of nuclear missiles bearing down on Florida. When asked afterwards about the controversial video, Putin replied, “I tried to pick a neutral target- someplace no one would miss.”

Former President Barack Obama is in talks with Netflix about a possible “production partnership.” Netflix plans to sign Obama to two successive four-season deals, after which the platform will shut down completely.

Don’t forget to stop by our special Pi Day bake sale on the third floor! All proceeds benefit STEM education at our for-profit girls’ school in Rwanda. Help them help you!

Notorious “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud. A judge has since inflated the sentence to 125 years, just ‘cause.

Workers have uncovered several ancient, ornate chambers while working on Rome’s subway system. Though the chambers’ former purposes are unclear, they were believed to have been where emperors fornicated with porn stars.

What the fuck is a “Bonnie”?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/7/18

Olé, fellow Del Toros! (Wo)Man… what an inspiring Oscars. If I learned one thing from the In Memoriam, it’s that straight white men are on the way out!

And taking their place: straight fish men!

What a world. Business!

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, is suing the erstwhile developer. Daniels is reportedly asking for 15 seconds of her life back.

A former Russian spy living in England is in critical condition after being exposed to an unknown substance. Though the incident echoes infamous poisonings of other spies by the Russian government, experts suspect British cooking.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on winning the company Oscar pool! Enjoy your free month of Hulu!

The father of a survivor of the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida reportedly doctored emails to make it seem like CNN scripted a question during a town hall held in the wake of the incident. “The most important takeaway from the horrible attack on our children perpetrated at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas high school last week,” Glenn Haab, father of student Colton Haab, said of the incident, “is that CNN is fake news.”

A man featured in a viral advertisement for a dating site geared towards Trump voters was revealed to have a felony child sex conviction. A subsequent investigation discovered 90% of the site’s users did as well.

Jerry, Get Out is not “the new Birth of a Nation.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly investigating $40,000,000 in suspicious transactions made by former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, including $25,000 spent at New York pharmacy Duane Reade. Manafort initially flagged the charge as fraudulent, but was later found to have purchased 15,000 bottles of Wite-Out.

Gun maker Storm Ruger has been forced to cut 700 jobs due to poor sales. The cuts have caused the retailer to rethink its employee discount.

It’s snowing on the East Coast! Why not curl up with a nice hot mug of baby mice wine! It’s twice as mice©!

An investor group led by women has canceled its plans to buy the former Weinstein Company. “Oh, I’m sorry, Harvey” lead investor Maria Contreras-Sweet said after the announcement, “did we pull out too soon?”

Last week, a church in Pennsylvania held a blessing ceremony for the AR-15 rifle, the same gun used in last month’s school shooting in Florida. The ceremony left four martyred.

And the Oscar goes to… the salmon I ate for lunch!

It’s about time for a sea change…

-The Chairman

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