Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/21/19

Good Day Danish Prime Ministers,

I, too, would like to buy Greenland.

BUSINESS.

Representative Steve King of Iowa wondered aloud last week at a breakfast meeting at the Westside Conservative Club whether there would “be any population left” without rape and incest. King later clarified that by “population” he meant “Game of Thrones.”

A Texas brewery is in hot water after naming a beer “Bikini Atoll” after the US nuclear testing site devastated by radiation in the 1940s and 50s. The brewery has said it is actually paying homage to the islands by using radioactive yeast.

Anna from Legal, that outfit should be ILLEGAL.

The newest James Bond film, slated for release in 2020, is titled “No Time to Die.” In a controversial leaked scene, the secret agent fucks an Audemars Piguet.

On his podcast “Hotboxin with Mike Tyson,” the former heavyweight champ said he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana every month. Experts worry that the habit may lead to the death and consumption of some 10,000 children.

Jerry, I am not a “public charge.”

Former Major Leaguer Roger Clemens has dismissed rumors that he may run for Congress in Texas as a Republican. “I understand the confusion, but I am not a politician,” Clemens told reporters recently, “just a douchebag.”

In a new paper published in Science, three scientists propose massive reforestation around the globe as a solution for climate change. The proposal is expected to be adopted by the governments of Monaco, Vatican City, and Sealand.

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about, you sign a comprehensive liability waiver if you work in the warehouse, that’s what it’s all about!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has clarified that its rules prohibit vaping and the consumption of green tea. The church considers both to be “gateway drugs” to realizing a religion founded by a failed supernaturalist con man from Vermont less than 200 years ago is bullshit.

Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to sell the Brooklyn Nets to Joseph Tsai, co-founder of Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba. Power forward Rodions Kurucs, who averaged just 8.5 points per game last season, has since been listed on Alibaba for $30 plus shipping.



OK, OK, OK… $4,000.





IT’S JUST ICE.






Well… it used to be.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/26/19

Hello fellow women’s soccer stars,

The World Cup is on! And BOY, has it been… on!

I haven’t watched a minute, but that’s because I’ve been too busy doing research on the team.

Gotta be prepared. Business!

Former NBA Coach of the Year Don Nelson is now a marijuana farmer on Maui. “This gig is great,” Nelson said in a recent interview, “it keeps me in touch with a lot of current players.”

In further NBA news, the league is reportedly exploring shortening its regular season and creating an in-season tournament. The in-season tournament will reportedly be called “March Madness,” and it will involve unpaid college athletes playing for a small number of spots in the next year’s draft.

Don’t give up, Anna from Finance! Only $200 to go on your Kickstarter for new implants!

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs targeted towards China may raise the cost of Bibles in the United States. “This is clearly fake news,” Trump said in a statement, “God will not stop printing the Bible.”

In further Trump news, the businessman has denied a new rape allegation by writer E. Jean Carroll by saying, “She’s not my type.” When asked what his type was, Trump replied, “Beautiful clean coal.”

Jerry, you did not qualify for the Democratic debates.

A substitute teacher in Texas has been fired after she filmed a pornographic movie in her classroom. The teacher contends that she was unfairly targeted, as she’s seen “plenty” of porn filmed in schools.

The only police officer in Cement, Oklahoma has been arrested on child prostitution charges following a lengthy internal struggle.

If you’ve been suffering from indigestion lately, you’re not alone! In a cost-cutting measure, I’ve recently fired the entire cafeteria staff and replaced them with Guatemalans.

An internationally famous Russian poker player was found dead after being electrocuted while dying her hair. Friends said Lilya Novikova was “very smart with poker” and “that’s it.”

The oldest living European, 116-year-old Giuseppina Robucci, has died. Robucci credited her survival through two world wars that ravaged the continent to “hating the Jews when I needed to.”

Watching this team, I’ve gotten really good at dribbling.






… that was too far.









… even for me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/19/19

Happy Juneteenth, everyone! Staying waaaaaaaaaaay the hell away from that one.

Business!

A therapy group in Boulder, Colorado meets regularly to discuss the health benefits of drinking urine. Donald Trump has denied that any tapes exist of him ever visiting Boulder, let alone attending a meeting.

Right-wing group “Super Happy Fun America” has applied for the necessary permits to host a “straight pride” parade in Boston this August, with Brad Pitt as its mascot. Pitt has since denounced the group’s use of his image, calling himself “a perfect Kinsey 3.”

Anna from Maintenance, is that you in those neti pot ads? I’d know that technique anywhere.

Warships from the United States and Russia nearly collided in the Pacific Ocean two weeks ago. “I saw the other ship and I thought it was one of ours,” Russian Captain Sergei Popov told RT after the incident, “cause, you know.”

Child pornography has been found in materials that conspiracy theorist Alex Jones sent to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook massacre. Jones has demanded it be returned to him immediately.

Jerry, you never dated Natalie Portman.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort will reportedly be imprisoned at Rikers Island. Manafort has told associates he has already struck a lucrative consulting deal with the Crips to represent the group’s interests in Ukraine.

A truck crashed outside of Bozeman, Montana last Monday while transporting 40,000 pounds of bees, releasing an estimated quarter of its cargo. Officials said that they find it suspicious that the crash occurred 13 years to the day after the release of The Wicker Man.

Do you live in constant fear of a sudden and inexplicable death? Stop by Conference Room C4 tomorrow at 3 PM for an introduction to our new company-sponsored life insurance program! No need to RSVP- you might not make it.

United States birth rates are at their lowest in 32 years. “We’d better correct this soon,” former US Senate candidate Roy Moore recently wrote on his personal blog, “VERY soon.”

Authorities in the Dominican Republic believe they have found the man who paid hitmen to shoot David Ortiz while the former baseball player was in the country last week. “My associate clearly misheard me,” the accused, Gabriel Alexander Perez Vizcaino, told authorities in his defense, “I said ‘take him out… to the ballgame.’”







… but when will whites get their own Juneteenth?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/6/18

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you laundered that money, remember?

The Ukrainians, the Russians… you name it. Who didn’t “look after” us in our time of need? Oh, and don’t worry, we “took care” of that journalist. As in… killed him. Dead. Deady dead. Night night. Oh- hey, Paul, can you hold on a second?

Hello, plebeians! Didn’t see you there. Just catching up with my old friend Paul Manafort on a VERY secure line. He is definitely NOT GUILTY. MANY LIVES RUINED BY THIS FAKE “RUSSIA” “PROBE!”

BUSINESS.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is stepping down. Sources say Schultz may run for president, where he would inherit a proud tradition of making black people feel unwelcome.

A Swedish nuclear physicist has created an app that acts as a contraceptive by using a mathematical algorithm to determine when it is safe to have unprotected sex. The app’s working title is “Babe, trust me.”

Everyone please welcome Anna from Finance back from her monthlong sabbatical in Thailand! Cholera is a small price to pay for all that relaxation.

Donald Trump canceled the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ planned visit to the White House yesterday. Though Trump said it was a response to the NFL’s national anthem protests, sources close to the reality host said he has feared unwanted guests ever since he was visited by three ghosts last Christmas.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund, created to ensure financial stability for future generations, is now valued at $1 trillion. The country has been able to save so much by investing heavily in public schools, social services, and universal healthcare.

Jerry, you are not dating Grimes.

Irish citizens overwhelmingly voted to overturn their country’s ban on abortion last month, endangering the lives of no one.

A Republican candidate for governor of Massachusetts who believes the Holocaust was orchestrated by gay Nazis gained enough support at the party’s recent convention to appear on the ballot this fall. He is expected to receive as many votes as people he believes were killed in the Holocaust.

Great news! 90% of our workforce qualified for federal aid last year, up a whopping 6% from the year prior! As the kids say, keep gettin dem (government) checks!!

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho plans to simultaneously marry two women in a ceremony later this month. “As one of the greatest futbol players ever,” Ronaldinho said in a statement, “I am used to squeezing balls between two people.”

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher of California recently declared his view that homeowners should be able to refuse to sell their houses to gay people. “I don’t know why gay people think they need a home,” Rohrbacher told reporters, “when all they really need is the closet.”

Wait, really? You and Putin did what?

Oh, Paul… you’re fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/21/18

Happy second day of spring, vassals! Or, for those on the East Coast, first day of winter! Won’t it be great when climate change finally rids us of this infernal white pestilence forever?

Won’t be long now…

Business!

UN investigators have determined that Facebook played a significant role in the violent persecution of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar. Mark Zuckerberg has responded by announcing a 12-village speaking tour in or near the country streaming live on Facebook Watch, as well as a donation of $1 million over the next 200 years to fight Tritanopia in the area.

Donald Trump Jr., whose wife Vanessa recently filed for divorce, reportedly had an affair with musician Aubrey O’Day while she was a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice. O’Day is best known as the lead singer of Danity Kane, the band Trump Jr. would be if he were a band.

Anna from Accounting, are you the Blarney Stone? Cause after kissing you I just can’t stop talking about it! NOT good news for my marriage.

This week, for the first time, the Israeli military admitted to a 2007 strike on a suspected nuclear reactor site in Syria. “You know, we thought all you guys were crazy,” Israeli spokesman Chaim Lubovitch said of the admission, “but it does feel good to deny something.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the White House will have no comment on Vladimir Putin’s uncontested victory in Russia’s presidential election, saying the US “can’t dictate” how other countries choose their leaders. She then added, “That’s a one-way street.”

Jerry, you did not pick UMBC.

During a recent seminar, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank chocolate milk to illustrate the need for diversity in the workplace. “Personally, I thought it was tone deaf,” said HR rep James Brewer, who was in attendance at the event. “Everybody knows regular milk is better for you.”

A small dose of Viagra, administered daily, has been shown to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in mice. Treated mice have also shown increased ability to fuck their way out of a maze.

Time for an update on our March Madness pool! It still hasn’t been cleaned, so please do NOT swim in it. Hope it’ll be ready by the Final Four!

Necco, the venerable confectioner behind the message hearts popular around Valentine’s Day, is preparing to close its Massachusetts factory. “It’s not a good climate for us right now,” CEO Michael McGee said in a statement. “We make the only candy that can get you fired.”

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that pornographic actress Stormy Daniels passed a 2011 polygraph test during which she said she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump. “This means nothing,” Trump lawyer Joseph diGenova said at a recent press conference. “As we’ve all seen, she’s a great actress.”

Hey, it’s better than nuclear winter!

That’s next spring.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/14/18

Gooooood morning, sports fans! As some of you are no doubt aware, the yearly roundball phenomenon known as “March Madness” begins tomorrow! I don’t know about you, but I can already taste the sweat…

Business!

Days after the Chinese Communist Party abolished term limits, allowing President Xi Jinping to continue ruling indefinitely, Donald Trump mused that he might “give that a shot” as well. “I’ve been saying it all along,” Trump told assembled reporters, “I’m a dictator!”

At a recent conference in Houston, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that the US could either continue using fossil fuels or “go back to living like we were living in the mid-1800s.” Perry then added, “I mean, either is fine with me- I like oil but slavery rules.”

Watch out, Anna from Intelligence– the Russians are coming! Remember, if you suspect you’ve been poisoned by a military-grade nerve agent, stop, drop, and roll… yourself to a hospital immediately.

Washington has become the first US state to pass a law preserving net neutrality. As a result, all Internet traffic into and out of the state must be “neutrally” approved by Amazon.

In further Amazon news, CEO Jeff Bezos received the Buzz Aldrin Space Exploration Award at the Explorer’s Club Annual Dinner Saturday night in New York City. At the dinner, the current richest man in the world was seen eating iguana and ignoring widespread poverty.

Jerry, please stop referring to yourself as “the overall #1 seed.”

During his annual address to Russia’s parliament, President Vladimir Putin touted his country’s military might by showing an animation of nuclear missiles bearing down on Florida. When asked afterwards about the controversial video, Putin replied, “I tried to pick a neutral target- someplace no one would miss.”

Former President Barack Obama is in talks with Netflix about a possible “production partnership.” Netflix plans to sign Obama to two successive four-season deals, after which the platform will shut down completely.

Don’t forget to stop by our special Pi Day bake sale on the third floor! All proceeds benefit STEM education at our for-profit girls’ school in Rwanda. Help them help you!

Notorious “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud. A judge has since inflated the sentence to 125 years, just ‘cause.

Workers have uncovered several ancient, ornate chambers while working on Rome’s subway system. Though the chambers’ former purposes are unclear, they were believed to have been where emperors fornicated with porn stars.

What the fuck is a “Bonnie”?

-The Chairman

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