Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/21/17

GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM.

Whoops, sorry, still America.  Close enough these days.

Did you domestic servants miss me?  Over the last couple of months, your old friend The Chairman has been in the kitchen, cookin up some bigtime deals.  He’s also spent some time in the bathroom, flushing the competition.  AND he’s been in the laundry room, laundering money.  Don’t look in the basement…

BUSINESS.

Uber CEO (and noted asshole) Travis Kalanick has resigned.  He will be replaced by the world’s first ever self-driving CEO.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has been named a “person of interest” in the ongoing investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia in last year’s presidential election.  Kushner has responded by selling several million dollars in real estate to the Russian government.

Boy, am I glad you installed that dashcam, Anna from security!  You’re a real Tawny Kitaen on that hood.

Roger Moore, star of seven James Bond films, has died.  He will be replaced by Daniel Craig.

In comedian Bill Cosby’s high-profile sexual assault case that ended in a mistrial last week, Cosby’s defense team stunned everyone by resting after just six minutes.  The decision shocked even Cosby himself, who told reporters, “I didn’t expect the pills to work that quickly.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “My Super Sharia Sweet Sixteen.”

A new study shows that drinking non-dairy instead of dairy milk may stunt children’s growth.  The study is based on the fact that there are zero professional basketball players from Park Slope.

The California state senate recently passed a bill that would give all of the state’s citizens access to public healthcare, as well as 1% of the gross.

Today is the longest (work)day of the year!  Doesn’t the sun just make everything better?  ESPECIALLY being inside.

Tiger Woods says he’s seeking “professional help” after being arrested last month for driving under the influence.  In the process, Woods has coined the greatest euphemism for prostitution in history.

Bloomberg News is reporting that, during the 2016 US election, Russian hackers were able to breach the voting systems of 39 separate states.  Experts worry that attacks could continue into the future, and may even influence who is elected president.

Who wants to join me in the bedroom?  It’s not harassment if it’s a metaphor!

-The Chairman

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