Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for 6/4/14

Good Evening,

You didn’t think I’d let a single day go by this week without a memo, did you?  Oh, you did?  You’re fired!  Business!

A US man has been diagnosed with Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS.  The virus has killed 282 people in Saudi Arabia since 2012, making it the deadliest thing to come out of the region since religion.

A South Carolina woman was arrested Saturday for stealing a bible from a Wal-Mart.  “What?” Said Frances Thomas, 33, “I just had to see how it ends!”

Don’t forget to check out Anna the intern on the season premiere of Suits– next Wednesday at 9/8c on USA!  Characters are welcome in this office!

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.  To mark the occasion, China is planning another.

Scientists have named an ancient giant crocodile after JRR Tolkien’s mythical beast, the Balrog.  Nerds.

Jerry, there is no such thing as “casual Wednesday.”
 
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has agreed to drop his lawsuit against the NBA and sell the team to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.  “He’s not black, right?”  Sterling said in a statement.  “Then yeah whatever fine.”

A Japanese woman is seeking a divorce from her husband because he doesn’t like the movie Frozen.  “She asked me if I wanted to build a snowman,” said the husband, who prefers to remain anonymous, “next thing I know, my clothes are on the street.”

If you are the owner of a 1984 light purple Datsun automobile, your lights are on.  Also, please move it immediately- you are devaluing the image of the company.

Alaska officials suspect that a low-level eruption at the state’s Pavlof volcano may be intensifying, following reports of ash plumes over 22,000 feet high.  “Somebody rang the bell,” said park ranger Dean Jacobs at a press conference, “WHO RANG THE DAMN BELL?”
 
In the logo for Super Bowl 50, the NFL is replacing the Roman numeral “L” with the number “50.”  “It’s already called the ‘Super Bowl,’” said Commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, “the last thing we need is another weed reference.”

Well… that’s one more hump day on our march towards the grave!

-The Chairman

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