Good Afternoon Tory MPs,
A Brexit haiku:
Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks
A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.
Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.
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The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.
Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”
They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.
In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.
Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.
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Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”
Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.
And now, a limerick:
There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in
That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?