Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 7/17/16

Good Evening,

I’ve heard some disturbing reports lately that there are those inside the company who don’t think I am “hip and with it.”  In response, I’ve decided to leave no doubt about my ability to relate to the “common man.”

This week’s memo will be entirely devoted to the “new” “hot” “app” Pokémon Go.

This’ll be weird!  Business?

The Los Angeles County Fire Department has warned people not to call 911 for help with Pokémon Go.  As a result, Angelenos are left wondering whom to call about the mysterious “Pikachu rapist.”

Usually treatable STI gonorrhea has begun showing increasing resistance to antibiotics.  With nearly 14,000 cases reported annually, gonorrhea is the second easiest thing to catch in New York City behind Rattata.

Congratulations, Anna from Maintenance, on bringing another life into this world!  It’s a Venonat!  I thought that egg would never hatch.

Two Westport, CT men ran into a naked woman vandalizing a church last week while looking for Pokémon.  It was the first naked woman that either of the men has or is ever likely to see.

Hacking collective PoodleCorp has taken responsibility for an attack that shut down the Pokémon Go servers for four hours on Saturday.  The attack is already being hailed as the “least destructive in history.”

Jerry, you are not a “Squirtlekin.”

A driver in Auburn, NY ran his car straight into a tree while playing Pokémon Go Tuesday night.  Damage to the vehicle was estimated at $14,000, making it the most expensive Geodude ever caught in the game.

A New Zealand man has quit his job to play Pokémon Go full time.  “He’ll be back,” George Kite, manager of the restaurant where Tom Currie previously worked, recently told reporters.  “Last week it was his band.”

Pokémon Go, which links to many players’ Google accounts, has ignited a multitude of privacy concerns.  “Mark my words: it won’t be long before there’s an ‘Edward Snowden of Pokémon Go,’” Georgetown law professor Michael Braintree recently told reporters.  “My money’s on Golbat.”

I just caught a Goldeen in a Fika!

Retailers could soon begin paying Niantic, the company that makes Pokémon Go, to become important locations in the game.  Analysts say the development could attract a significant number of customers under 13, many of whom have no idea what a store is.

A new subreddit has been started to track strange “Pokéstops,” landmarks that players are encouraged to visit as part of Pokémon Go.  Some of the stranger sites include a strip club, a church of Scientology, and 875 South Bundy Drive in Los Angeles.

Spearow Agnew, I CHOOSE YOU!

-The Chairman

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