Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/15/17

Slight weather-related delay on the memo today… you would think a “server farm” belongs outside, but you would be wrong.  BUSINESS.

The European Parliament has voted to end visa-free travel for Americans within the EU.  The move has been met with confusion by US lawmakers, many of whom thought Europe was one country.

A new study indicates that large swimming pools may contain up to 20 gallons of urine at any given time.  21 at a Sheraton.

Anna from Legal, you are KILLIN IT.  “It,” of course, is the chimpanzee on whom we’ve been testing our latest skincare product.  Report to my office immediately.

A Swedish city council member has suggested the country’s workers be entitled to paid sex breaks.  “Yes, this makes sense for them,” said Finnish Prime Minister Juha Sipilä of the idea.  “They have always been a country of whores.”

An Irish soccer player has been forced to pay an Elvis impersonator 230,000 Euros after an incident at a Dublin nightclub in 2013.  The €230,000 is €229,000 more than the impersonator has made in his life to this point.

Jerry, you cannot write off “corporeal depreciation” on your taxes.

In honor of International Women’s Day last week, German airline Lufthansa employed all-female flight crews on several of its routes.  It was a pleasant surprise for passengers, who were able to save on tickets thanks to the pay gap.

A Pennsylvania state senator went after Donald Trump on Twitter last month, calling him a “loofa-faced shit-gibbon.”  The man, Daylin Leach, is now the Democratic frontrunner for president in 2020.

Judging by the smell, jihad is being waged in our third floor fridge.  Please clean it out immediately or I will be forced to send in ground troops.

A five-year-old girl from Oklahoma has become the youngest person ever to qualify for the Scripps National Spelling Bee.  As a result, she will be eligible to enroll at the University of Oklahoma this fall.

Last week, a trillion-dollar asset manager placed a statue of a defiant little girl in front of Wall Street’s famous bull statue.  Fans of the statue have called it empowering, while critics have said that it is yet another example of the elites flaunting Pizzagate.

If anybody asks, I thought a/s/l meant “all (the) single ladies.”

-The Chairman

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