Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/8/17

Great news, everyone- we’re hiring teachers!  I mean, they don’t have to be “teachers,” per se… just, like, friends are fine.  I never thought we’d get into the education sector, but there’s money to be made!  Now someone draft me up a “charter”…

Last week, Scotland’s Campbelltown airport was home to the first British flight in 50 years to depart without a security screening.  Shortly after takeoff, the plane was hijacked by universal dignity and an abiding sense of calm.

President Donald Trump has appointed former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani his cyber security advisor.  The decision is the latest in a long line of controversial appointments by Trump, including Ivanka Trump as First Lady and R. Kelly as ambassador to Russia.

Congratulations, Anna from Analytics, on your Oscar nomination!  I still don’t know where to find those fantastic beasts, but I know you are definitely one of them.

North Korea’s official news agency has accused the United States and South Korea of plotting a preemptive attack on the country.  Donald Trump has since assured North Korea it is under no threat, as it is not the values of liberty and justice for all.

New website Pizza to the Polls allows people to send pizzas to protesters around the country.  The site has reportedly escalated tensions between conservatives who have sent thousands of pizzas through the site and liberal recipients who do not eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

Jerry, your Q2 evaluation is not “fake news.”

A Cheeto that looks like deceased gorilla and favorite meme Harambe has reportedly sold for almost $100,000.  The bidder is said to be a group of 10 million teenagers contributing one cent each with the explicit goal of undermining any remaining faith in Western civilization.

Reddit has banned two major forums associated with the alt-right.  The decision ensures that the groups’ members will never post anything anywhere on the Internet ever again.

This winter, stay warm by fucking your coworkers!

Salmon prices around the world are rising rapidly due to a growing population of parasitic sea lice.  The outbreak has caused many to question why the fish still haven’t instituted mandatory lice checks in schools.

Last week, customs officers in Texas uncovered almost two tons of marijuana, valued at approximately $800,000, hidden in a shipment of key limes.  “Gr8 news!”  Donald Trump tweeted in response to the discovery.  “Now we can pay for the wall!”

I always liked Michigan.  Land of the free, home of the lakes.  And schools!  Lots and lots of $chool$…

-The Chairman

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