Internal Memo for Sunday, 4/16/17

Good Afternoon,

After not receiving anything this past Wednesday, I’ll bet you thought the memo was dead.

And that’s what they thought about Jesus, too!  But hallelujah- it’s an EASTER MEMO.  Now which one of you betrayed me?  Business!

Earlier this week, the United States military deployed its largest non-nuclear weapon, nicknamed the Mother of All Bombs, in Afghanistan.  Reportedly, Ann Coulter’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe caused widespread damage.

Scientists claim to have discovered the genetic anomaly that makes some people more nocturnal.  Experts have said the mutation, dubbed “Skinemax,” only affects adolescent boys aged 12-16.

Anna from Sales, you are making money hand over fist!  Not sure why you have to sell each of those as an individual prosthesis, but I’m not a doctor.

Kicker Becca Longo will attend Division-II Adams State University in the fall, making her the first woman ever to earn a college football scholarship.  Longo’s scholarship is expected to be worth about 80% of a typical man’s.

The Trump White House has announced that it will not be making its visitor logs public.  Press Secretary Sean Spicer contends the logs don’t matter, as Trump is never there.

Jerry, Easter is not also known as “the night they drove old Dixie down.”

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts in France ahead of the country’s upcoming presidential election.  The company took action after it discovered that there was no one in France named “Pierre Trump.”

According to reports, patrons’ actions at Disney’s new Star Wars theme park will have consequences, making it different than the series’ three prequels.

On this day of Jesus’ ascent, let us remember this company’s ascent… to the top of the pop charts!  Please welcome the first addition to our newly formed talent acquisition department, singer Rebecca Black!  GOTTA get down on Friday.

Former NFL quarterback (and noted Christian) Tim Tebow, now playing baseball for a New York Mets affiliate in South Carolina, hit a home run in his first at bat of the season.  The event proved once and for all that God has misplaced priorities.

Members of the Trump administration have hinted that foreign visitors to the US may soon be asked for their social media contacts and passwords as part of “extreme vetting” measures.  “We have thoroughly vetted this vetting,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a recent briefing.  “Everybody knows that social media presence is by far the most accurate and unbiased reflection of who someone is as a person.”

The White House has an Easter Egg Roll, but I’m having Easter egg rolls!  Thanks, Chinese trading partners!  I never thought  you were manipulating currency…

-The Chairman

PS- As some of you may know, I’m taking an extended hiatus to – ahem – take care of some issues on the Korean Peninsula… I may or may not be sending dispatches from the road.  In the meantime, please direct any inquiries to Recep Tayyip Erdogan, new Supreme Dictator of our great ally Turkey!

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/22/17

Helloooooooooo, потенциал национальной безопасности Советники! Я думал, что “МакМастер” был довольно прохладный Кодовое нашей инфильтрации. Он удивительно реалистичное, не так ли? Спасибо, спасибо … Я binged Westworld на прошлой неделе. БИЗНЕС.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer and New York’s Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect recently traded barbs on Twitter following a rash of anti-Semitic incidents around the US.  The latter is reportedly distressed by the former’s intention to create the need for many more such centers in the future.

Canadian conglomerate Restaurant Brands, which owns both Burger King and Tim Hortons, is nearing a deal to acquire fried chicken chain Popeyes.  If the purchase is successful, the company will be responsible for approximately 32% of all heart attacks in North America each year.

Анна из сельского хозяйства, Вы уверены, что знаете, как коллективизировать! О времени кто-то сделал это правильно.

Republicans in Congress have declared their intentions to roll back the Endangered Species Act.  Many expect the decision will backfire in two years, when it will no longer be there to protect them.

The 2017 Eurovision song competition is in jeopardy after 21 members of the Ukrainian organizing team quit following a change of leadership.  Various European countries have since expressed surprise that Vladimir Putin would start his coup with the Eurovision organizing team.

Джерри, Чернобыль не был “ложный флаг”.

Notorious Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe says that Americans should give Donald Trump a chance.  “I didn’t kill 20,000 civilians overnight,” Mugabe said in a recent press conference.  “I worked up to it.”

Breitbart “News” senior editor Milo Yiannopolous has resigned after his past comments condoning pedophilia were uncovered.  Yiannopolous claims his remarks were taken out of context, an excuse experts say won’t work at his next position in hell.

Завтра Национальная оборона Дня Отечества! Помните … нет ничего за его пределами.

Scientists have created, and subsequently destroyed, the first half-human, half-pig embryo, but not before Donald Trump says it voted illegally in the 2016 presidential election.

The United States Tennis Association has formally apologized to Germany for performing the country’s Nazi-era national anthem before a recent Fed Cup match.  “We are deeply, deeply sorry,” USTA spokesperson Matt Griner told members of the German media, “for assuming you were on our side.”

Как мой русский бабушка говорила: «Без науки нет пыток, и мы все здесь для науки».

– председатель

PS- Я извиняюсь за ранее анекдоте Евровидения. Будьте уверены, что я убил гей-цыгана, который отвечает за него. Приветствую.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/25/17

Hello, my right-to-work rapscallions!

It’s me, your old pal The Chairman, back and better than ever after two straight months of presidential transition horse-trading.  Rest assured I did everything in my power to turn back the clock to a time when America was the G-D GREATEST.

Now, as some of you may know, I was a teensy bit nervous about the impending “Trump administration.”  However, over the past several minutes, I have come to welcome our new tangerine overlord with open legs.  You see, when presented with a set of alternative facts, um, one has no choice but to, you know…
Oh for fuck’s sake BUSINESS.

In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Donald Trump announced that his 2020 campaign slogan would be “Keep America Great,” a tagline used in the horror film The Purge: Election Year.  The film, which depicts a dystopian society in which all crime is condoned by the state, is being called the first-ever “accidental documentary.”

Following her husband’s inauguration, First Lady Melania Trump returned home to New York, where she will reside until her 10-year-old son Barron finishes school.  By “school,” Trump means “postdoctoral study.”

Anna from the cafeteria, SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS!  Haha- just kidding.  Glad we can still make that joke for a few more days.

Despite controversy, the marching band from historically black Talladega College performed as part of Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day festivities.  Trump was said to be “pleasantly surprised” by the band’s performance, calling it “not like Chicago at all.”

During his “first official press briefing,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer indicated that Donald Trump will move forward with construction of the controversial Dakota Access Pipeline.  The announcement was met with excitement and immediately hailed as “the most rational thing the administration has done so far.”

Jerry, there are no grizzly bears here.

NASA has released a short film compiled from photographs taken of Pluto by the organization’s New Horizons spacecraft, which flew near the dwarf planet in 2015.  Looks habitable.

In further NASA news, the soon-to-be-defunct agency believes that it has spotted two new comets in our solar system.  “Unfortunately,” said Deputy Principal Investigator James “Gerbs” Bauer of the discovery, “neither appears to be headed towards Earth.”

How about that Women’s March, huh?  Fun signs.

Neuroscientists claim to have discovered a song that reduces anxiety by up to 65 percent.  Due to extraordinary demand, the song is now available on iTunes for $750.

As one of his first acts in office, Donald Trump has reinstated the so-called “Mexico City policy,” which bans federal funding to any overseas NGOs that provide abortion services.  “Oh, no,” Trump said, addressing the many fetuses around the globe affected by the policy, “you’re not getting off that easy.”

When’s the next press briefing?  I gotta set my DVR…

-The Chairman

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