Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/3/14

Good afternoon,

You may have noticed that you did not receive a memo last week.  This was due to an important investigation regarding a private conversation that was recorded without my knowledge and leaked to several popular gossip websites.  That investigation is now ended, and I have established the following:

That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my voice on that recording.  I have always considered myself a great friend to the people of Liechtenstein in every capacity, and I consider all mankind my brethren.  Now that this matter is concluded, I will continue my governance over and ownership of this company in the spirit of justice, fairness, and equality.  Onto the business.

Netflix is raising prices for new customers.  Experts say the company is struggling to make back the millions it spent acquiring the rights to Pootie Tang and Megashark vs Crocosaurus.

A 400-pound cake made to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Chicago’s Wrigley Field was thrown in garbage after one day of display.  It will soon be joined by the next 100 seasons of Cubs baseball.

“Tell me more about that belt sander!”  That’s what you’ll be saying when you take Anna from development’s new Coursera course, “Finding Your Inner Tool.”  She went to Brandeis!

According to a report in the newspaper China Daily, almost 10,000 Chinese marriages end in divorce every day.  “We were constantly fighting,” said Zhang Tao, one of those recently divorced.  “She wanted more than one child, and I wanted more than one child.”

Milwaukee Brewers shortstop Jean Segura missed several games this week after his teammate, admitted steroid cheat Ryan Braun, accidentally hit him in the face with a bat while warming up.  “See, I’m clean,” said Braun.  “Last year, I woulda taken his head right off.”

62 New Jersey high school students have been arrested after trashing their high school by peeing in hallways and flipping over desks.  Or, as the rest of the state calls it, “remodeling.”

Yes, Jerry, we get it: You’re a Clippers fan now.

Teenagers from around the globe are tweeting bomb threats at American Airlines after a Dutch teen was arrested for doing so two weeks ago.  “Whatever, like anybody could ever get a bomb on a plane,” said Twitter user @StArBellA666, 14.  “Airport security has always been, like, ridiculous.”

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been cited for shoplifting crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket.  “I regret this incident,” Winston said in a statement.  “When I see legs just sitting there, exposed… I do some crazy things.”

Can anybody work this damn copier?

Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce.  “There’s only room for one ring on these fingers,” Wilson told reporters, “and also I wanna fuck some groupies.”

In the wake of the Donald Sterling scandal, which bears NO resemblance at all to the recent incident involving yours truly, NBA great Larry Johnson has called for an all-black basketball league.  “We need to punish this 80 year-old white man by forcing all of the 20 year-old white men out of our league,” Johnson said in a statement.  “All five of them.”

My girlfriend is half Lietchtensteinian.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/29/14

Morning, Grammy snubs.  Let’s get right to the business.

President Obama delivered his fifth State of the Union address last night to multiple standing ovations.  The constant clapping has been hailed as the most left-right coordination the capital has seen in decades.

At one point during his speech, the President said, “I believe when women succeed, America succeeds.”  The subsequent applause was drowned out by the sound of several Founding Fathers turning over in their graves.

Let’s all give a warm companywide welcome to Anna, my newest intern!  C’mon, missy- let’s make that “college credit” count!

Almost 650 people have taken ill on a Royal Caribbean cruise that set sail from New Jersey.  Congratulations, Jersey: you’ve outdone yourself yet again.

Football players at Northwestern University have filed a petition to unionize college athletes.  This comes on the heels of a similar petition filed by Northwestern’s Sigma Chi fraternity that reads: “No fat chicks.”

Jerry, we stopped giving guided tours of the office three years ago.  Who were those people?

An elderly Florida man has been arrested for allegedly masturbating in a McDonald’s parking lot.  As a result, the fast food chain is revisiting its one honey mustard policy.

According to documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the NSA has been collecting Americans’ personal data through the popular game “Angry Birds.”  “It’s not rocket science, people,” said NSA head General Keith Alexander, “the object of the game is to kill all the pigs.”

It’s awards season, everybody, so why not bone up on your pop culture knowledge ON YOUR OWN TIME.  Just another friendly reminder that we monitor all Internet activity here at the office.

$9.84 charges have been appearing on credit and debit card statements worldwide in what could be a massive scam.  However, it could also be an incredible investment opportunity!  Click here to learn more!

Two Seattle Seahawks fans have named their daughter “Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann” after the team’s nickname for its fan base.  This marks the first time a child has been named after a team’s fans since 2012, when two Philadelphia Eagles supporters welcomed baby “Vincent Randall Asshole Wallace.”

Happy hump day, everyone.  I’ve decided to start sending this memo on Wednesdays in the hopes of boosting morale midweek.  Has it worked so far?  I say yes!  Now get back to work you maggots!

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/10/13

Great news, plebes- I’ve figured out how to backdate posts!  I will now disingenuously update this blog as if I  had done so as my memos came out.  I published this post on December 10th of last year- see?  Capitalism!

-The Chairman

It has come to my attention that some of you are confused as to the schedule of these emails.  Some have come Monday morning, some Monday evening, and some (like this one) on Tuesday.  Allow me to apologize and assure you that they are all supposed to come out Monday morning, but Jerry is incompetent.  Real professional, jackass.  Onto the business!

Last week, Seattle Seahawks defensive lineman Michael Bennett posed as his team’s more popular quarterback Russell Wilson to get a table at a Seattle restaurant.  Bennett has been cut by the team and is awaiting trial for identity theft, which carries a minimum sentence of 25 years without parole.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have created an experimental treatment that attempts to cure cancer like the common cold.  In related news, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania remain unaware that there is no cure for the common cold.

I forgot to give Anna from sales a shout-out last week on her 10-year anniversary!  Congrats!  I remember when you thought George was just in it for the money!

Several Russian diplomats have been charged with cheating the United States government out of over $1.5 million in Medicaid benefits.  George Venizelos, assistant director in charge of the New York FBI office, said, “We thought we could trust the Russians to abide by the rules of a government program aimed at distributing goods and services evenly among all people.”

A Chinese man jumped to his death over the weekend when his girlfriend insisted on going into one more clothing store after shopping for five hours.  The man was immediately canonized by the Catholic, Anglican, Greek Orthodox, and Episcopalian churches, as well as Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and men everywhere.

According to leaked documents, the NSA has been spying on players of the popular online games World of Warcraft and Second Life.  Among the agency’s findings is an imminent threat of moving out of mom’s basement.

The Holidays are all about giving to those less fortunate.  On that note, we’ve started a collection for Tim in legal’s rhinoplasty.  Please find it in your heart to help- he’s really gotta get that thing fixed.

NASA researchers have determined there was once a lake on Mars.  This information cost $5,603,593,024.99.

Czech Prime Minister Jiri Rusnok is under fire after complaining about having to fly to South Africa to attend Nelson Mandela’s funeral.  On an open mic, Rusnok was caught saying, “Mandela would understand.  It’s a 13-hour flight!  That’s WAY too long to be stuck in an enclosed space.”

Today’s lucky office is 24EEE!  If that is your current workspace, please claim your mystery prize by Wednesday.  Hint: It takes AA batteries!

Lululemon founder Chip Wilson has stepped down from his position as chairman of the board.  He plans to spend his retirement in a blissful savasana.

An Antarctic charity race involving Britain’s Prince Harry has been suspended due to “a higher degree of stress” than expected.  According to a royal spokesperson, an exhausted Harry is headed to Las Vegas to receive emergency doses of cocaine and prostitutes.

That’s all for now, my little dumplings.  Fie on those who seek to ruin our Christmas cheer!  Figgy pudding for all!

-The Chairman