Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
Ding, dong, the wicked witch is deaaaaaaaaad
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s morning again in America. With Bernie Sanders officially out of the race for the presidency, our investments in private health insurers, frackers, and defense contractors are set to SKYROCKET just as soon as the weakest among us have been culled by this pandemic. Finally, there is hope of getting somebody in the White House who isn’t just a foulmouthed loose cannon, but also an unrepentant plagiarist, a discreet sexual assaulter, and a hypocritical corporate shill!
Hail to the chief… of BUSINESS.
The CDC is recommending that all Americans wear masks when in public to avoid contracting the novel coronavirus, but Donald Trump has said he will not do so. Many of Trump’s harshest critics have praised the businessman’s “strong, principled decision” on the matter.
New York Knicks owner James Dolan has tested positive for coronavirus. To boost awareness of the virus, Dolan has announced he will be renaming his band to “JD And The State Spike (In Novel Coronavirus Cases).”
Anna from Communications, excellent work convincing the relevant authorities that all of our employees are essential! Now get over here and allow me thank you properly…
The US Justice Department has charged embattled Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro with narcoterrorism. Attorney General William Barr wrote in the indictment that Maduro’s ceaseless trafficking of cocaine and amphetamines “has undermined the transport of important lifesaving drug hydroxychloroquine to Americans suffering from coronavirus.”
In a related story, the US Food & Drug Administration has ordered that heartburn drug Zantac be pulled from shelves immediately, along with any other drugs that are not hydroxychloroquine.
Jerry, your legal name is not “Bhagavan ‘Doc’ Maldonado-Passage.”
New York City’s Governor’s Ball music festival has been canceled to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. Many prospective attendees have said they plan on contracting the virus anyway “to get some sweet scripts.”
Music industry mogul David Geffen opened himself up to criticism last week after posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines” on his megayacht due to COVID-19. In response to the backlash, Geffen issued a statement saying he was opening his yacht up to all first responders within two nautical miles.
Chag Pesach sameach to our Finance Department!
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has strongly suggested that American citizens abroad return home immediately. American citizens abroad have replied, “No.”
A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for coronavirus. Animal rights activist Carole Baskin has offered to adopt the sick animal, telling zoo staff, “I’m sure he’s hungry, and Howard’s really been getting on my nerves lately.”
God, I feel so relieved. Thank you to all those in Wisconsin who died bringing this favorable election outcome to bear.
And hey, it’s almost Easter, so… you never know.