Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/17/18

Good morning discomfort pioneers,

Great news!  In the wake of the recent MAJOR TAX CUT, I have decided to give everyone a 401K!  AND I will match your first contribution up to $.3.  THAT IS NOT A TYPO!  You know what they say, a penny saved is a penny… BUSINESS.

Paula White, Pentecostal televangelist and spiritual adviser to Donald Trump, has encouraged people to send her their January salary or face punishment from God.  White claims the money will go directly to the almighty creator himself, who incurred massive debt last month fighting the war on Christmas.

Minnesota has been named the happiest state in America by personal finance website WalletHub.  In related news, Mississippi has been named the wealthiest state in America by Civil War blogger Beauregard Johnson III.

Congratulations to Anna from HR on opening the office’s first ever meditation room!  I’ve already “christened” it… twice 😉

JetBlue has begun hiring pilots with no experience necessary.  And it shows.

Lena Dunham has split from her boyfriend of five years, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff.  Antonoff is reportedly “heartbroken,” while Dunham is reportedly “naked.”

Jerry, you did not just win HQ.

Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has registered her disdain for the #MeToo movement, saying, “Let’s not turn women into snowflakes.”  “Women should be viewed the same way as men,” Rice added. “They should be free to grope, to rape, and to fight in endless wars propagated by administrations captured by defense contractors and private security forces.”

Alana Evans, friend of pornographic actress Stormy Daniels – whom Donald Trump reportedly paid $130,000 for her silence regarding a 2006 sexual encounter – claims Trump chased Daniels around a hotel room “in his tighty-whities.”  Experts say Evans was referring to Trump’s underwear, though “tighty-whities” is also Trump’s nickname for his cabinet.

Tomorrow is our sixth annual office pun-off!  Or should I say, “office pun-off-ice”?  I’M-A GONNA WIN.

The same day that Walmart announced that it would be raising employees’ wages by $1 an hour due to the recent tax overhaul, the company also announced it would be closing 63 of its Sam’s Club locations.  Going forward, workers at those locations are expected to make almost as much as when they were employed.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he no longer believes Donald Trump is a “xenophobic, race-baiting religious bigot.”  “I now realize,” Graham added, “that he is so much worse.”

Find a penny, pick it up… and turn it in to Accounting IMMEDIATELY.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 11/7/16

‘Twas the night before this mess, and all through the House
Not a Speaker was stirring, not even his spouse
The jockeying was done without mercy or care
In hopes it would disappear soon like Trump’s hair
The voters were fretting all snug in their states
Divisions and frog cartoons stoking their hates
When down at Fox News there arose such a clatter
WikiLeaks emails of course were the matter
In a great orange flash Donald boarded his jet
Along with his servile army of pets
“Now Corey!  Now Comey!  Now Kushner and Conway!
On Christie!  On Ailes!  On Rudolph Giuliani!”
Their tiny minds racing with thoughts of election
They blissfully shunned any news of rejection
But try as they might, they could not shake the feeling
That tomorrow’s results just might send them all reeling
Certain that it would go down to the wire
They stayed up all night to see what would transpire…

According to a new study, New York is the second-most rat-infested city in America.  It is expected to drop to third on November 9th, when both presidential candidates leave.

Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley have expressed concern that Apple’s new Bluetooth-enabled AirPod headphones put users at risk for exposure to harmful radiation.  When asked for comment, company spokesperson Kim Doros replied, “According to our internal studies, when given the choice between an iPhone and their health, people always choose the iPhone.”

Congratulations to Anna from IT on successfully hacking into FiveThirtyEight.com!  Things are looking up for this “Evan McMullin”…

Scientists believe Tasmanian devil milk might be a breakthrough weapon in the fight against superbugs.  Unfortunately, the development has led to several researchers’ deaths in mini tornadoes.

This past June, popular porn site Pornhub launched a “described video” category aimed at users who are blind.  So far, the site’s most popular videos are those narrated by Joseph “Kinky Joe” Mahorn, known in industry circles as “the Shakespeare of anal.”

Jerry, there is no such thing as “late voting.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti T’eo will reportedly miss the rest of the season with an Achilles tendon injury.  Doctors performing an MRI to assess the damage were shocked to find that T’eo never had an Achilles tendon in the first place.

Members of the Harvard men’s soccer team have been punished after their “report” ranking members of the school’s women’s soccer team by attractiveness leaked.  Additionally, the players involved are being vetted for possible posts in President Donald Trump’s cabinet.

Look on the bright side, everyone: If Trump wins, we get another Sound of Music.

The FBI has announced that it found no criminality in its most recent batch of emails relating to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private server while Secretary of State.  However, the bureau has recommended a term of 3-5 years in prison for anyone who talks about the case ever again.

The James Webb Space Telescope, heir to the famed Hubble Space Telescope, is reportedly powerful enough to see far into the past.  Scientists say it can almost, but not quite, make out a time before this election.

And Wolf Blitzer cried, at the horrible sight
“It’s too close to call, we’ll be here all night!”

-The Chairman

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