Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER?? I mean, where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey. Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.
UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable. As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.
A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.
Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt. And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us! Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico. That’s Mexico, New York, of course. Crooked Hillary!
Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona. The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.
Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine. When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”
Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”
Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun. “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”
On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings. When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please? Pretty please? Pretty pretty please? C’mon, guys- please? Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”
Ever wondered where coffee comes from? If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B. Hint: It’s a bean!
Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots. In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.
Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company. Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.
Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day! Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.” What better way to celebrate than with labor?!