Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/12/14

Good evening.  I’d like to start, in a rare show of humility, by chastising my performance on last week’s memo.  I strive to keep my workforce abreast of global happenings in an intelligent and unapologetic manner, but last week was not up to snuff.  Please delete last week’s offering from your mailboxes immediately.  I will be conducting an independent review of everyone’s computers at the end of the quarter and anyone found with copies of that email will face immediate, punitive litigation.  Happy Wednesday!
This week, Wesley Snipes became incensed when an LA reporter mistook him for Laurence Fishburne.
New York City-based BrightFarms, Inc. has raised almost $5 million to build greenhouses on or near urban supermarkets.  The company’s CEO Paul Lightfoot released a statement reading, “When the rest of the country legalizes pot, we’ll be ready.”
Thanks to Anna in Accounting, the office is now eco-friendly!  We’ve replaced Styrofoam with biodegradable corn cups.  They’re delicious!  I had two for breakfast.
Legendary Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has announced he will retire at the end of the season.  “It’s time to focus on what’s really important,” Jeter said.  “Pussy.”
University of Missouri football player and NFL prospect Michael Sam has come out as gay, prompting speculation that teams will avoid drafting him.  “I don’t care if he’s gay,” said one NFL GM, “I just don’t trust a man with two first names.”
The Lego Movie opened this week amidst allegations that it promotes communism.  Lego has issued a statement denying the allegations and reminding people that the best way to fight communism is to buy more Legos.
Jerry, a food fight?  C’mon.
Sky, a five year-old wire fox terrier, took home Best in Show at the 138th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  “I’d like to thank my family and friends” said Sky, through a translator, “and most of all: Beggin’ Strips: I don’t know it’s not bacon!”
Beloved child star Shirley Temple died Tuesday at the age of 85.  Meanwhile, the Shirley Temple is as popular as ever!
Don’t forget to RSVP for this week’s installment of the Friday Lecture Series: “The Bright Future of MS-DOS” with computer scientist Sergey Medvedeyev.
Organizers have had to fill empty seats with volunteers at the poorly attended Sochi Olympics.  “Yes,” said Chief Organizer Dmitry Chernyshenko, “ ’volunteers.’ ”
Tonight’s Duke-North Carolina basketball game has been postponed.  “We’d love to play,” said UNC head coach Roy Williams, “but our team is just too syphilitic to compete.”
Enjoy the snow, lemmings!  I’ll be burning up the slopes in Aspen with my best friend Robert Blake!  He didn’t kill his wife!
-The Chairman