Gooooood morning, sports fans! As some of you are no doubt aware, the yearly roundball phenomenon known as “March Madness” begins tomorrow! I don’t know about you, but I can already taste the sweat…
Days after the Chinese Communist Party abolished term limits, allowing President Xi Jinping to continue ruling indefinitely, Donald Trump mused that he might “give that a shot” as well. “I’ve been saying it all along,” Trump told assembled reporters, “I’m a dictator!”
At a recent conference in Houston, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that the US could either continue using fossil fuels or “go back to living like we were living in the mid-1800s.” Perry then added, “I mean, either is fine with me- I like oil but slavery rules.”
Watch out, Anna from Intelligence– the Russians are coming! Remember, if you suspect you’ve been poisoned by a military-grade nerve agent, stop, drop, and roll… yourself to a hospital immediately.
Washington has become the first US state to pass a law preserving net neutrality. As a result, all Internet traffic into and out of the state must be “neutrally” approved by Amazon.
In further Amazon news, CEO Jeff Bezos received the Buzz Aldrin Space Exploration Award at the Explorer’s Club Annual Dinner Saturday night in New York City. At the dinner, the current richest man in the world was seen eating iguana and ignoring widespread poverty.
Jerry, please stop referring to yourself as “the overall #1 seed.”
During his annual address to Russia’s parliament, President Vladimir Putin touted his country’s military might by showing an animation of nuclear missiles bearing down on Florida. When asked afterwards about the controversial video, Putin replied, “I tried to pick a neutral target- someplace no one would miss.”
Former President Barack Obama is in talks with Netflix about a possible “production partnership.” Netflix plans to sign Obama to two successive four-season deals, after which the platform will shut down completely.
Don’t forget to stop by our special Pi Day bake sale on the third floor! All proceeds benefit STEM education at our for-profit girls’ school in Rwanda. Help them help you!
Notorious “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud. A judge has since inflated the sentence to 125 years, just ‘cause.
Workers have uncovered several ancient, ornate chambers while working on Rome’s subway system. Though the chambers’ former purposes are unclear, they were believed to have been where emperors fornicated with porn stars.
What the fuck is a “Bonnie”?