Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 6/2/14

Good Afternoon,

Thaaaaaat’s right!  There was no memo last week in preparation for a WEEK STRAIGHT OF MEMOS!  This new pilot program is aimed at getting you more news about the company and the world more often.  Will it work?  Who knows?  But when have I ever been wrong?  Business!

Harry Potter star Emma Watson graduated from Brown University last week, accompanied by an undercover bodyguard in full cap and gown.  At the end of the ceremony, the bodyguard received a degree in celebrity management with a minor in postmodern feminist literature.
 
Veterans Affairs secretary Eric Shinseki has stepped down amidst a rash of scandals at VA hospitals around the country.  Or was it a scandal of rashes?  Find out at 11!

Here’s to you, Anna from PR!  Five years sober!  Everybody raise your glass!

A water main broke in Manhattan last week, creating a massive sinkhole and flooding the legendary Katz’s Deli.  “Not to worry,” said Katz’s owner Jake Dell, “We Jews know how to handle a flood.”

Authorities in India are debating whether one of the country’s wealthiest spiritual leaders is dead or in a deep meditative state.  In related news, Lululemon has begun offering classes in “Death Yoga.”

Jerry, “gay” is not an ethnicity.

At time of writing, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are officially married.

Billionaire Petro Poroshenko has declared victory in Ukraine’s presidential race.  When informed of the election, Russian President Vladimir Putin replied, “That’s cute.”

Are you a psychopath?  Take this test!
 
Surgeons in Slovakia have removed a 13-pound tumor from a man’s face.  The tumor represents the largest sustained growth in Slovakia’s history.

Singer Chris Brown has been released from jail.  No woman is safe.

Wow- that’s a lot of news for one day!  WHAT could POSSIBLY happen TOMORROW?

-The Chairman

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