Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/2/18

Good morning, mercenaries! Welcome to day 2,963 of the bloody conflict in Syria! In case you were wondering, our profits have netted out to about $36,500 per day. Not bad for the Middle East! In fact, we estimate that at war’s end (~2035), we will own 98% of all Syrian oil. Hubba hubba!

Now that’s what I call liberation.

Business!

The New York Times is reporting that, while serving as state senator, EPA chief Scott Pruitt bought an Oklahoma house from a lobbyist. Pruitt reportedly used the house to fuck his mistress: the planet.

The six biggest banks in the United States saved $3.6 billion last quarter thanks to last year’s Republican tax bill. All six say the money will be much better spent on a small number of shareholders than on “the public schools none of them attended.”

Thanks for the endorsement, Anna from LinkedIn! I had no IDEA you’d seen me do mime.

The United Kingdom plans to ban plastic straws, stirrers, and cotton swabs. The proposed ban follows a similar one on toothbrushes from 1575.

Donald Trump has asked several African nations to support a US-led bid for a 2026 North American World Cup. “We really need your voluntary support,” Trump said in a recent press conference, “just like your people voluntarily supported us in creating a thriving, cotton-based economy in the American South throughout the 18th and 19th centuries.”

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

A picture of a Spanish woman has gone viral because of her stunning resemblance to Donald Trump. After seeing the photo, Mike Pence is no longer allowed to be alone in the same room as his boss.

DMX’s lawyer played the rapper’s song Slippin’ in court last week in the hopes the judge might lessen her client’s sentence for tax evasion. The attorney said she was inspired by fellow rapper Xzibit’s sex trafficking trial last year, which featured several screened episodes of Pimp My Ride.

COFFEEPOTS! Who’s got em?

The Lyrid Meteor Shower peaked last weekend. Oops.

Wireless companies T-Mobile and Sprint have announced plans to merge. Negotiations are ongoing, as their calls keep dropping.

Keep on fighting, rebels! We $tand with you.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/7/18

Great news, ingrates! I, your most trusted and powerful kin- I mean, chairman, now have…

wait for it…

A TWITTER FEED.

🙌🙌🙌

“Bang it” here, as the kids say, for the latest in erotic witticisms and company paraphernalia.

Take your time. We’ll be here when you’re done.

BUSINESS.

Unscrupulous ridesharing giant Uber has unveiled its latest project: Uber Elevate, a service that would bring flight to urban commuting. No word yet on whether pilots will talk to you.

Actor John Stamos has married Caitlin McHugh, who is the same age as the Olsen twins.

Hey Anna from Legal, are you the stock market? Cause you were gettin DOWN at the company happy hour!

Erstwhile comedian Aaron Glaser, who was blacklisted from New York comedy theater the Upright Citizens Brigade after charges of sexual assault, is suing the theater for gender discrimination. “Look at their improv teams,” Glaser said in his lawsuit. “Not a straight white man among them.”

The eastern cougar has been declared extinct. The western cougar is thriving, mostly in Palm Springs.

Jerry, it is not titled Call Me By Your Peach.

The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots by a score of 41-33 on Sunday to take home the team’s first Super Bowl. Afterwards, rioters in Philadelphia overturned cars, scaled light posts, and finally killed Santa Claus.

In further Super Bowl news, Australian Trade Minister Steve Ciobo estimates that an Australian tourism ad that ran during the game depicting a fake Crocodile Dundee sequel generated $30 million in free media. That’s $30 million Australian, or roughly 35 cents, enough to buy 13 Crocodile Dundee box sets.

The Winter Olympics begins Friday! It’s full of bi athletes! HA- never gets old.

A leading nutritionist says eating a slice of pizza for breakfast is healthier than eating a bowl of cereal. “It’s common sense,” Dr. Dolores PapaJohn told website The Daily Meal. “It has better ingredients.”

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has cut its entire research budget for drugs that treat Alzheimer’s Disease. Facing backlash, the company released a statement reading, “Everybody relax. Patients won’t notice.”

Before you know it, I’ll have a Snapchat! A public one, that is 😉

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/29/16

Good afternoon, flying monkeys!  A bit of wisdom from yours truly to jump start your day:

Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on.  Being successful means that you’re working hard and walking your walk every day.  You can only live your dream by working hard towards it.  That’s living your dream.

Amen, me.  Business!

Music legend Prince, found dead last week at his home in suburban Minneapolis, reportedly left no will.  His sister said that the singer, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, requested to be buried in his house along with all of his belongings, and that the house be left untouched until he saw fit to resurrect himself and, quote, “Show y’all motherfuckers what I learned in the afterlife.”

Archaeologists in Mongolia have unearthed a 1,500-year-old mummy that appears to be wearing Adidas sneakers.  “We’ve finally found him,” lead researcher Enkhtuya Enkhjargal said of the discovery, “the real O.G.”

Y’all GOTSTA give it up for Anna from the maaaaaiiiilllroooooooooom!  She just won the company freestyle battle (sponsored by Warner Bros. new movie Barbershop: The Next Cut– now playing in select cities) for the fourth year in a row!  Girl can spit, yanahmean?  I don’t!

A tiger was seen wandering the streets of suburban Houston last week.  “I certainly did not purchase, train, and release a tiger in the hopes that it would maul Dwight Howard in retaliation for all of the pain and suffering he has caused this great city over the past three years,” Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey said at a recent press conference.  “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Scientists have discovered a giant coral reef off the coast of Brazil.  The reef is expected to disappear in 2-3 months, as the coral is harvested and mixed with elephant ivory and rainforest wood to create an expensive Chinese medicine used to treat occasional dandruff.

Jerry, please refrain from calling him “Bob Barker: Pet Eugenicist.”

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin was recently photographed walking on the beach in Los Angeles with actress Heather Graham.  Coincidentally, this week’s Goop newsletter includes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe for “Heather Graham crackers,” which calls for two non-GMO graham crackers covered in organic human shit.

Bernie Sanders’ campaign launched a special Snapchat filter on the day of the New York Democratic primary earlier this month, irritating some voters.  The filter reportedly employed facial recognition to identify people making more than $35,000 a year and branded them with the words “CORPORATE FUCKING SCUM.”

The NFL Draft continues tonight!  Or, as brain doctors call it, “Christmas.”

Speaking of the draft, former #1 overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell says he would play for free to get another shot at the NFL.  Russell, who made $36.4 million during his 3 years in the league, is being hailed as “the Mother Teresa of football.”

Pictures have been posted online of a group of high school students in Princeton, New Jersey playing a Holocaust-themed game of beer pong.  “Those pictures are definitely fake,” said junior Jon Hansen, one of the students allegedly involved in the game.  “Just like the events it’s based on, that game never happened.  Am I still suspended?”

I have just been informed that, quite RIDICULOUSLY, some people thought I plagiarized my earlier inspirational quote.  I would like to assure you that, like my brotha in arms, the ever-vigilant Shaun King, I have been misrepresented.  You see, in the first draft of this memo, I had properly attributed the above words to their source, the inimitable Marlon Wayans.  Unfortunately for all involved, my editor inexplicably removed the attribution after the piece had left my hands.  Utterly preposterous.  And I don’t even have an editor.  If I did, he would have been fired.

Disgusting.

Stay strong, Shaun.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/15/16

It’s a beautiful day in the gig economy!  Health insurance is soooooo 1998.  Business!

A Minnesota company has created a gun that looks exactly like a cell phone.  Though merely a prototype, the weapon is said to have a longer range than both T-Mobile and Sprint.

Louisiana Tech Women’s Basketball coach Tyler Summitt, son of legendary Tennessee Women’s Basketball coach Pat Summitt, has resigned following reports that he impregnated one of his players.  When informed of the situation, the Louisiana Tech athletic department was reportedly “shocked and disappointed” to learn that one of the team’s players was interested in men.

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on finally beating cancer!  She’s in a better place now.  A memorial service will be held next Tuesday in the second floor break room (next to the water cooler).

An extremely rare copy of Shakespeare’s first folio has been found on the Scottish Isle of Bute.  The discovery is a major boon for Scottish literacy, which the English had previously asserted began around 1993.

In other Shakespeare news, marijuana residue has been found on pipes unearthed from the legendary playwright’s garden.  “This discovery explains the greatest mystery of Shakespeare’s life:” researcher Edward Rathbone told reporters, “The Tempest.”

Jerry, calling you by your name does not “insult your German heritage.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has declared that the leak of the recent “Panama Papers” is an American attempt to destabilize Russia in advance of the country’s September elections.  “If you thought Chernobyl was bad, wait til you see how many people this leak kills!” Putin said in his annual press conference.  “Too soon?”

The Golden State Warriors beat the Minnesota Timberwolves Wednesday night to become the first team in NBA history to win 73 games during a single regular season.  The Warriors broke the previous record of 72 wins set by the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, which stopped at that number because Michael Jordan bet on it.

It’s been a long week.  Need a drink?  Head to the monthly AA meeting in conference room B.  For your family’s sake!

Cloud analysis suggests that global warming could be much worse than previously thought.  To those who don’t believe the phenomenon exists, it remains about the same.

The first trailer for the upcoming Star Wars spinoff film, Rogue One, was released last week.  It features an opening shot of Jawas riding banthas on the planet Tatooine, followed by two minutes of George Lucas masturbating with a $100 bill.

What is with you people and Snapchat?  Keep it in your pants, teens!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/18/16

Ohhhhhhhh IT’S MARCH MADNESS, BABY!

You may recall that in years past we’ve had some great prizes for the winner of our annual office pool.  Past champions have received a Westinghouse© television, Windows 7, and a signed copy of The Diary of Anne Frank.  This year, we’re kicking it “old school fleek,” as the kids say… first place gets a Cadillac, second place gets a set of steak knives, and third place gets fired!  Everybody else gets nothing, but stays employed.  You sure don’t want to finish in third… let the games begin!

A Florida teenager has been arrested for the second time for posing as a medical professional.  Eighteen year-old Malachi Love-Robinson had to be apprehended while on a trip to neighboring Georgia, as posing of any kind is both legal and encouraged in Florida.

Renowned actress and feminist Emma Watson has revealed that she pays to learn about female sexual pleasure through a website called OMGYES.com.  “Thanks, Emma,” said Mike Jackson, a carpenter from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, “now I know what to tell my wife when the next credit card bill comes.”

Anna from the kitchen is on fire!  No, literally, we had some issues with the stove earlier today and her clothing was set ablaze.  Someone please put her out!  She doesn’t appear to be injured… yet.

A Swedish doctor who treats patients’ ills with anal massage has had his license revoked by the country’s Medical Board of Responsibility.  When asked for his response to the decision, Dr. Jan Svensen replied, “They can shove it up their ass.  Or I can do it for them, at a great price, and it will almost certainly take care of their rheumatoid arthritis.”

In sports news, the NFL’s Cleveland Browns have officially released troubled former college star Johnny Manziel.  Manziel was last seen late Saturday with some friends on the Las Vegas strip, on the way to an overdose.

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

Members of terrorist group Hamas burned 15 tons of Snickers last week following a recall by the candy’s parent company Mars.  The recall was initiated because of plastic found in some bars, but Hamas burned their supply because it had “come dangerously close to some Jews.”

A wild mountain lion found its way into the Los Angeles Zoo last week and ate a koala.  Coincidentally, “a wild mountain lion finding its way into the zoo and eating a koala” is a popular Hollywood euphemism for rape.

Just a reminder that Kevin from HR is hosting a very important seminar on workplace diversity this weekend, smack dab in the middle of the NCAA Tournament.  Intentional?  You decide!

According to a new Rolling Stone profile, rapper Macklemore owns a nude painting of popstar Justin Bieber with a pancake on his penis.  “It’s, like, a metaphor for my music,” Macklemore said in the interview.  “You look at it and you’re like, ‘How did this get made?’”

Amazon is planning to open several hundred physical bookstores around the US.  When asked about the decision, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told reporters, “We saw how well physical bookstores were doing and we were like, ‘We’ve got books!’”

Get those picks in, guys!  Nevermind… it already started.

-The Chairman

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