Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/16/18

Dearest underlings,

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last several months. Good news: they worked! We have a war in the Middle Ea$t! 58 dead and counting! Tragically, of course. Very, very sad.

AAAAAAAAnywaaaaaaayyyy, when added to the ongoing conflict in $yria, this latest Pale$tinian-I$raeli clash should bring several new revenue streams into our purview. As they say: next year in Jeru$alem! If it still exists…

Business!

Donald Trump Jr., in the process of divorcing wife Vanessa, is reportedly dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Trump Jr. said he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, who is blowing the network.

The “deodorant challenge,” a trend where teenagers spray aerosol deodorant onto each other’s bare skin to see who can endure it the longest, is causing second-degree burns. Officials have advised against it in every country except France, where they say participants should “use deodorant at all costs.”

Ramadan Mubarak, آنا from Accounting! Gotta fit into that burkini!

According to a new study by health insurer Cigna, most Americans are considered lonely. Cigna has since assured respondents it has many different health plans to combat said loneliness, starting at $2,000 a month.

Russian President Vladimir Putin scored 5 goals in an exhibition hockey game last week in Sochi. A reporter later asked Putin if the other team let him score, and was summarily hanged.

Jerry, it’s Yanny.

Red Sox pitcher David Price has denied allegations that he developed carpal tunnel syndrome from playing the video game Fortnite. “I don’t play that game too much,” Price told reporters Monday. “But boy, do I masturbate.”

A new study suggests the drug Ecstasy may be an effective treatment for PTSD. The controversial study is titled “Common Sense.”

In celebration of the Supreme Court’s virtual legalization of sports gambling, we’ve opened our very own sportsbook in Conference Room D! Free wings if you wager on the Browns!

The spread of an ancient skin-eating fungus that has been killing off large numbers of amphibians around the globe has been traced back to the Korean War. “I would like to express my sincere remorse,” Korean War veteran Daryl Johnston said in response to the discovery, “I should never have fucked that frog.”

After discovering a bug earlier this month, Twitter recommended all of its users change their passwords. Shortly thereafter, Sean Spicer tweeted, “TRuMpisInn0cent!$&1:)”

Anytime you can move the location of an embassy with only 58 dead, you simply must.

It’s $imple math.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/5/14

All right, my Casual Friday cohorts, I’m long overdue in addressing the purpose of these weekly memos.  In case you were unaware, I am your fearless leader at this fearless company, and I expect my employees to be informed.  You never know when some upstart like Bonobos or McDonald’s will come along and try to steal our bacon.  Stay vigilant!  Stay alert!  Stay at home mom!  Business!

Some of the world’s richest people met last week in Davos, Switzerland to solve the global problem of income inequality.  Each of the 250 participants settled on a plan to employ 35 new workers at minimum wage by 2018.

A Singapore man stabbed his mother to death because he thought she was a genie.  “I am mortified,” Mohamed Redha Abdul Mutalib said, “I should have tried stuffing her into a lamp.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from the cafeteria on her new promotion!  She makes the best sloppy joes in the world, and now she’ll be doing so as Vice President of Sales and Marketing.  Upward mobility!

Pharmacy giant CVS will stop selling tobacco.  “Don’t worry, consumers,” CEO Larry J. Merlo said in a statement, “we’ll still carry a wide variety of your favorite prescription pills, as well as everything you need to make meth out of your basement.”

The NFL is considering proposals to eliminate the extra point.  One possibility is to replace each extra point try with a 20-minute Powerpoint presentation detailing the myriad steps taken by Commissioner Goodell to prevent concussions and improve player safety across the league, narrated by Kurt Russell.

Jerry, did you buy the whale from Blackfish?  The third floor is not an aquarium!

A Pennsylvania English teacher has been arrested for having sex with a 17 year-old student.  “Why’d they arrest Mrs. Cooper?” said Jane Simon, another student, “I was just starting to understand Lolita.”

Actual headline from CNN.com: “Sienna Miller is contrite, topless in ‘Esquire UK’.”  Ha-ha!  Oh, I had almost forgotten!  The American media is a joke!

Woody Allen has again denied charges that he molested his then seven year-old adopted daughter Dylan in 1993.  Critics have called the denial “witty and charming” and “Allen’s most original work since Bullets Over Broadway.”

Anybody remember the FOX show “New Amsterdam”?  Neither do I!

Sochi officials are allegedly poisoning stray dogs in advance of the Olympics.  “Relax,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “we’re not poisoning the gays.  Yet.”

In other Olympic news, some toilets in Sochi do not accept toilet paper.  However, toilet paper is accepted as currency at most major Russian retailers.

Questions?  Comments?  Concerns?  Email me!  Just don’t expect a response- I’m busy and important!

-The Chairman

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