Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

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Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/6/14

Good Afternoon,
 
Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the people who made this weeklong string of memos possible.
 
Now, onto the business.
 
Scientists now believe humans may have played a major role in the extinction of the wooly mammoth.  Surprise, surprise.

Archaeologists in China have discovered the world’s oldest pair of pants.  They belonged to the world’s oldest prude.

As you may remember, I reported yesterday that Anna from accounting had yet again beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity.  It has since come to my attention that she neglected to kill all of the gold skulltulas in the Swamp Spider House, thus nullifying her agreements with all charities involved.  All of the money she raised will be returned, and she has assured me she will be extra vigilant when she attempts the task next year.

An Indonesian volcano erupted for the first time in 15 years last week, reminding everyone that the Earth has been around for billions of years and can kill all of us in any number of ways at absolutely any time.
 
Kardashian Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third child.  Sister Khloe Kardashian remains childless, while other sister Kim Kardashian has two children, Kanye and North West.
 
Jerry, “D-Day” does not stand for “Denny’s Day.”
 
A group of scientists and conservators at Harvard has determined that a book in the school’s library is bound in human skin.  Like everything else at Harvard bound in human skin, the book looks a lot more impressive than it is.

A Ghanaian witch doctor claims to have put a curse on Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who may miss the World Cup with a leg injury.  “You think his leg is bad,” said Nana Kwaku Bonsam, whose name translates as “The Devil of Wednesday,” “you should see his penis.”
 
Be sure to stop by the ninth floor pavilion and check out our new exhibition: “Famous South Africans: From Mandela to Dave Matthews,” running now until June 7th!
 
A new study suggests that boys with autism are more likely to have been exposed to higher levels of hormones while in the womb.  Meanwhile, several old studies have proven that vaccines save millions of lives each year.
 
Russian President Vladimir Putin is attempting to strengthen Russian ties with North Korea.  “I saw how that feisty little dictator viciously executed his uncle on a whim,” Putin told a Russian newspaper, “and I thought, ‘I bet we’d be friends.’”

That’s all, my Mountains!  Let’s crush it this weekend!

-The Chairman

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