Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 4/16/17

Good Afternoon,

After not receiving anything this past Wednesday, I’ll bet you thought the memo was dead.

And that’s what they thought about Jesus, too!  But hallelujah- it’s an EASTER MEMO.  Now which one of you betrayed me?  Business!

Earlier this week, the United States military deployed its largest non-nuclear weapon, nicknamed the Mother of All Bombs, in Afghanistan.  Reportedly, Ann Coulter’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe caused widespread damage.

Scientists claim to have discovered the genetic anomaly that makes some people more nocturnal.  Experts have said the mutation, dubbed “Skinemax,” only affects adolescent boys aged 12-16.

Anna from Sales, you are making money hand over fist!  Not sure why you have to sell each of those as an individual prosthesis, but I’m not a doctor.

Kicker Becca Longo will attend Division-II Adams State University in the fall, making her the first woman ever to earn a college football scholarship.  Longo’s scholarship is expected to be worth about 80% of a typical man’s.

The Trump White House has announced that it will not be making its visitor logs public.  Press Secretary Sean Spicer contends the logs don’t matter, as Trump is never there.

Jerry, Easter is not also known as “the night they drove old Dixie down.”

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts in France ahead of the country’s upcoming presidential election.  The company took action after it discovered that there was no one in France named “Pierre Trump.”

According to reports, patrons’ actions at Disney’s new Star Wars theme park will have consequences, making it different than the series’ three prequels.

On this day of Jesus’ ascent, let us remember this company’s ascent… to the top of the pop charts!  Please welcome the first addition to our newly formed talent acquisition department, singer Rebecca Black!  GOTTA get down on Friday.

Former NFL quarterback (and noted Christian) Tim Tebow, now playing baseball for a New York Mets affiliate in South Carolina, hit a home run in his first at bat of the season.  The event proved once and for all that God has misplaced priorities.

Members of the Trump administration have hinted that foreign visitors to the US may soon be asked for their social media contacts and passwords as part of “extreme vetting” measures.  “We have thoroughly vetted this vetting,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a recent briefing.  “Everybody knows that social media presence is by far the most accurate and unbiased reflection of who someone is as a person.”

The White House has an Easter Egg Roll, but I’m having Easter egg rolls!  Thanks, Chinese trading partners!  I never thought  you were manipulating currency…

-The Chairman

PS- As some of you may know, I’m taking an extended hiatus to – ahem – take care of some issues on the Korean Peninsula… I may or may not be sending dispatches from the road.  In the meantime, please direct any inquiries to Recep Tayyip Erdogan, new Supreme Dictator of our great ally Turkey!

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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Internal Memo for 6/4/14

Good Evening,

You didn’t think I’d let a single day go by this week without a memo, did you?  Oh, you did?  You’re fired!  Business!

A US man has been diagnosed with Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS.  The virus has killed 282 people in Saudi Arabia since 2012, making it the deadliest thing to come out of the region since religion.

A South Carolina woman was arrested Saturday for stealing a bible from a Wal-Mart.  “What?” Said Frances Thomas, 33, “I just had to see how it ends!”

Don’t forget to check out Anna the intern on the season premiere of Suits– next Wednesday at 9/8c on USA!  Characters are welcome in this office!

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.  To mark the occasion, China is planning another.

Scientists have named an ancient giant crocodile after JRR Tolkien’s mythical beast, the Balrog.  Nerds.

Jerry, there is no such thing as “casual Wednesday.”
 
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has agreed to drop his lawsuit against the NBA and sell the team to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.  “He’s not black, right?”  Sterling said in a statement.  “Then yeah whatever fine.”

A Japanese woman is seeking a divorce from her husband because he doesn’t like the movie Frozen.  “She asked me if I wanted to build a snowman,” said the husband, who prefers to remain anonymous, “next thing I know, my clothes are on the street.”

If you are the owner of a 1984 light purple Datsun automobile, your lights are on.  Also, please move it immediately- you are devaluing the image of the company.

Alaska officials suspect that a low-level eruption at the state’s Pavlof volcano may be intensifying, following reports of ash plumes over 22,000 feet high.  “Somebody rang the bell,” said park ranger Dean Jacobs at a press conference, “WHO RANG THE DAMN BELL?”
 
In the logo for Super Bowl 50, the NFL is replacing the Roman numeral “L” with the number “50.”  “It’s already called the ‘Super Bowl,’” said Commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, “the last thing we need is another weed reference.”

Well… that’s one more hump day on our march towards the grave!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
 
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
 
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman

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