Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19

Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why

BUSINESS.

The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.

Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.

Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was 👌

A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.

Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.

Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.

Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”

Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”

Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.

Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.

A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.

FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.

We’re just 12 hours behind.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 4/16/17

Good Afternoon,

After not receiving anything this past Wednesday, I’ll bet you thought the memo was dead.

And that’s what they thought about Jesus, too!  But hallelujah- it’s an EASTER MEMO.  Now which one of you betrayed me?  Business!

Earlier this week, the United States military deployed its largest non-nuclear weapon, nicknamed the Mother of All Bombs, in Afghanistan.  Reportedly, Ann Coulter’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe caused widespread damage.

Scientists claim to have discovered the genetic anomaly that makes some people more nocturnal.  Experts have said the mutation, dubbed “Skinemax,” only affects adolescent boys aged 12-16.

Anna from Sales, you are making money hand over fist!  Not sure why you have to sell each of those as an individual prosthesis, but I’m not a doctor.

Kicker Becca Longo will attend Division-II Adams State University in the fall, making her the first woman ever to earn a college football scholarship.  Longo’s scholarship is expected to be worth about 80% of a typical man’s.

The Trump White House has announced that it will not be making its visitor logs public.  Press Secretary Sean Spicer contends the logs don’t matter, as Trump is never there.

Jerry, Easter is not also known as “the night they drove old Dixie down.”

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts in France ahead of the country’s upcoming presidential election.  The company took action after it discovered that there was no one in France named “Pierre Trump.”

According to reports, patrons’ actions at Disney’s new Star Wars theme park will have consequences, making it different than the series’ three prequels.

On this day of Jesus’ ascent, let us remember this company’s ascent… to the top of the pop charts!  Please welcome the first addition to our newly formed talent acquisition department, singer Rebecca Black!  GOTTA get down on Friday.

Former NFL quarterback (and noted Christian) Tim Tebow, now playing baseball for a New York Mets affiliate in South Carolina, hit a home run in his first at bat of the season.  The event proved once and for all that God has misplaced priorities.

Members of the Trump administration have hinted that foreign visitors to the US may soon be asked for their social media contacts and passwords as part of “extreme vetting” measures.  “We have thoroughly vetted this vetting,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a recent briefing.  “Everybody knows that social media presence is by far the most accurate and unbiased reflection of who someone is as a person.”

The White House has an Easter Egg Roll, but I’m having Easter egg rolls!  Thanks, Chinese trading partners!  I never thought  you were manipulating currency…

-The Chairman

PS- As some of you may know, I’m taking an extended hiatus to – ahem – take care of some issues on the Korean Peninsula… I may or may not be sending dispatches from the road.  In the meantime, please direct any inquiries to Recep Tayyip Erdogan, new Supreme Dictator of our great ally Turkey!

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