Hello Human Robot Dogs,
Had to wait a day to confirm, but I have great news! Those extra $600/week unemployment benefits have officially gone the way of the dodo. That means more potential employees for our ever-growing company! Please disseminate our hiring advertisements far and wide. We pay up to $500/week (based on a 100-hour workweek at $5/hour), with the opportunity to make up to $10/hour after 3 years! Open positions include:
Short-order cook (Houston, Texas)
Nursing home aid (Boca Raton, Florida)
Human body collector (Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Crisis actor (various)
Masseuse (my home office)
Human shield (Idlib, Syria)
Don’t work to live, LIVE (or die) to WORK.
Who says Congress doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the American people?
High school basketball recruit R.J. Keene recently revealed his college choice by donning a logo mask. Keene, who had declined to wear a mask before making the announcement, is reportedly “very, very sick.”
NFL player Malik Jackson is suing famed body shop West Coast Customs, alleging that they misquoted him prices for work done on two vehicles. Jackson claims rapper Xzibit appeared at his house last year begging to “pimp his rides,” adding, “for free, dawg- I need this.”
Anna from HR, who invited you into the NBA bubble?
An acquaintance of Ghislaine Maxwell claims the disgraced socialite “has tapes of two prominent US politicians having sex with minors.” When asked about the report, Representative Jim Jordan said, “I refuse to believe that there is only one other pedophile in Congress with me.”
Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has introduced a bill to end federal funding for any public K-12 schools that teach The New York Times Magazine’s groundbreaking “1619 Project,” which reframes United States history around slavery. “We cannot allow our children to be taught anything that is not universally and verifiably true,” Cotton said, “like the Bible.”
Jerry, John Lewis is not an anagram of JonBenét Ramsey.
Beloved television icon Regis Philbin has passed away. Donald Trump has tweeted his condolences to Larry King’s family.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has tested positive for coronavirus. “The Supreme Court ruled that half my state is owned by fucking Indians, and I got coronavirus,” Stitt told reporters Monday. “Not a coincidence.”
I would like to take a moment to address the recent coronavirus outbreaks at several of our meat processing plants in North Carolina. I am truly, madly, deeply sorry that our robust supply chain has been disrupted. This has been a difficult, meatless time for many, not least of whom are those who have been forced to celebrate the funerals of their relatives who worked at various meat processing plants in North Carolina without the product to which the deceased devoted their lives. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we speed up the transition from human to automated labor.
White House adviser Stephen Miller has been labeled an “extremist” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When asked to comment on the designation, Miller replied, “I am not a virgin. How could you possibly even insinuate that? I have a wife. A beautiful, human wife.”
Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams is in quarantine for 10 days after telling the NBA he was leaving the league’s Orlando bubble to attend a funeral in Atlanta, only to show up on a rapper’s Instagram story taken at the Magic City strip club. “To be clear: it was a funeral,” Williams wrote on Twitter, “for DEEZ NUTS, cause they been worked to DEATH.”
Oh, and I’m also hiring a food taster. When the revolution comes, you’ll be killing one of your own!