Internal Memo for Sunday, 8/2/20

Hello Human Robot Dogs,

Had to wait a day to confirm, but I have great news! Those extra $600/week unemployment benefits have officially gone the way of the dodo. That means more potential employees for our ever-growing company! Please disseminate our hiring advertisements far and wide. We pay up to $500/week (based on a 100-hour workweek at $5/hour), with the opportunity to make up to $10/hour after 3 years! Open positions include:

Short-order cook (Houston, Texas)
Nursing home aid (Boca Raton, Florida)
Human body collector (Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Crisis actor (various)
Masseuse (my home office)
Human shield (Idlib, Syria)

Don’t work to live, LIVE (or die) to WORK.

Who says Congress doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the American people?

Business!

High school basketball recruit R.J. Keene recently revealed his college choice by donning a logo mask. Keene, who had declined to wear a mask before making the announcement, is reportedly “very, very sick.”

NFL player Malik Jackson is suing famed body shop West Coast Customs, alleging that they misquoted him prices for work done on two vehicles. Jackson claims rapper Xzibit appeared at his house last year begging to “pimp his rides,” adding, “for free, dawg- I need this.”

Anna from HR, who invited you into the NBA bubble?

An acquaintance of Ghislaine Maxwell claims the disgraced socialite “has tapes of two prominent US politicians having sex with minors.” When asked about the report, Representative Jim Jordan said, “I refuse to believe that there is only one other pedophile in Congress with me.”

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has introduced a bill to end federal funding for any public K-12 schools that teach The New York Times Magazine’s groundbreaking “1619 Project,” which reframes United States history around slavery. “We cannot allow our children to be taught anything that is not universally and verifiably true,” Cotton said, “like the Bible.”

Jerry, John Lewis is not an anagram of JonBenét Ramsey.

Beloved television icon Regis Philbin has passed away. Donald Trump has tweeted his condolences to Larry King’s family.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has tested positive for coronavirus. “The Supreme Court ruled that half my state is owned by fucking Indians, and I got coronavirus,” Stitt told reporters Monday. “Not a coincidence.”

I would like to take a moment to address the recent coronavirus outbreaks at several of our meat processing plants in North Carolina. I am truly, madly, deeply sorry that our robust supply chain has been disrupted. This has been a difficult, meatless time for many, not least of whom are those who have been forced to celebrate the funerals of their relatives who worked at various meat processing plants in North Carolina without the product to which the deceased devoted their lives. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we speed up the transition from human to automated labor.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has been labeled an “extremist” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When asked to comment on the designation, Miller replied, “I am not a virgin. How could you possibly even insinuate that? I have a wife. A beautiful, human wife.”

Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams is in quarantine for 10 days after telling the NBA he was leaving the league’s Orlando bubble to attend a funeral in Atlanta, only to show up on a rapper’s Instagram story taken at the Magic City strip club. “To be clear: it was a funeral,” Williams wrote on Twitter, “for DEEZ NUTS, cause they been worked to DEATH.”

Oh, and I’m also hiring a food taster. When the revolution comes, you’ll be killing one of your own!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/3/20

Statement From The Chairman Regarding Ongoing Violence And Police Brutality:

We at the Company unequivocally stand against brutality of all kinds and in all measures, from all peoples in all times heretofore unknown and known. It is shameful the treatment of some by others and we stand with Pan-Afro Christians and Jews in this time of great mourning and beatification of souls for the worship and splendor of Religious Freedom. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us, oh lord, forgive us. For the path that is not righteous is the path of Police Anger & Frustration (PA&F), and lies, damned lies, and statistics. We pledge to donate (insert amount here) to (insert organization here) and any wholly owned subsidiaries of members of our board and their families. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us again, please, our trespasses, as trespassing is a federal crime under statue 32 of Marbury v. Madison which Massive Resistance crowds in major cities around amerikkka have deemed wholly unenforceable as it encroaches upon the rights and freedoms of many, not the one, but all for one and one for all. Give us this day a word from out sponsor:

Puffs Plus©! With Lotion is the only tissue brand endorsed by Huey P. Newton for the purposes of freedom! New Puffs “No Tears”® with Vicks Vap-O-Rub© pairs well with a nice chianti (from Stag’s Leap™ Winery) to keep your family safe from systemic oppression and the scourge of racism.*

*Runny noses.

It is in the spirit of this Anniversary of the Death of Freedom on the Continent that our Company bands together to invest and divest from those who invest and divest in division and inclusion, forsaking all others til death do us part. Maintain and plantain, my brothers and sisters, for we are the future our ancestors dreamed of.

-Copyright 2020, The Chairman Of The Bored, All Rights Reserved.
            -Audiobook produced by Penguin Random House Audio, All Rights Reserved. Read By Wesley Snipes.
                        -Legal copy read and approved by Alexander Acosta, May 24th, 2020. Deus O!
                                    –Business.

The board of Minneapolis Public Schools has voted unanimously to terminate its contract with the city’s police department following outrage over the murder of George Floyd. In response to the move, US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos released a statement calling for emergency school choice vouchers for Minneapolis parents, “each of whom deserves the option of having his or her children educated at his or her local police station directly by the police.”

Notorious racist Steve King of Iowa has officially lost the Republican primary for his seat in the US House of Representatives. In his concession speech, King said he was looking forward to starting the next chapter of his life, fusing with Stephen Miller to form Kluxtron, the ultimate white supremacist.

Anna from Accounting, your life matters 😉

Donald Trump and the Republican National Committee have announced that the Republican National Convention will not be held in Charlotte, North Carolina, as originally scheduled. Instead, the RNC has decided to move the event to Chicken, Alaska.

Several members of the NYPD verbally and physically abused two Associated Press reporters covering protests in Manhattan Tuesday night. “Well how would you feel if someone was pointing a camera in your face when you were violently dispersing nonviolent protestors, knowing that if the video got out you would lose your job and be subject to public humiliation on an unimaginable scale?” Police Commissioner Dermot Shea said in a subsequent press conference. “No further questions.”

No, Jerry. No.

Secretary of Defense Mark Esper broke with Donald Trump Wednesday in expressing his belief that active-duty military should not be used to respond to protests around the country. Trump has since fired Esper and appointed his replacement, Milo Yiannopoulos.

In recently leaked audio from the Mount Vernon, NY police department, cops admit to falsifying search warrants and framing innocent suspects over the course of three years. Detective Camilo Antonini, accused on the tapes of collaborating with certain “favored” criminals and making false charges, defended himself to reporters by saying, “Hey, at least I didn’t kill anybody.”

For those of you wondering what the company is doing to respond to recent events, please see the above statement.

All four officers involved in the choking death of George Floyd are now facing charges from second-degree murder to aiding and abetting murder. Fox News host Tucker Carlson lashed out at the charges on his show, saying, “Not one of these men has ever performed an abortion.”

An organization known as the Tennessee Valley Progressive Alliance is attempting to raise $25,000 to cover the potential fine for removing a statue of a uniformed Confederate soldier from in front of a courthouse in Huntsville, Alabama. “By all means, please continue,” Alabama Governor Kay Ivey told reporters Monday. “All that money’s going straight to the police.”

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/8/20

Good Evening,

It has come to my attention that many people are suffering because of this pandemic. I had no idea. I have decided to personally match all donations, dollar-for-dollar, to the Kids Wish Network, up to $10.

As Mr. Rogers said: “Look for the helpers.”

Respectfully, business.

One of Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. Trump has denied ever meeting the man, whom he calls “a Deep State traitor.”

Tom Cruise will reportedly partner with NASA to film a movie aboard the International Space Station. The film is expected to cost approximately 75,000 N95 masks.

Anna from IT, I think I found a locket with your picture in it in Conference Room C… oh wait, it’s mine!

COVID-19 has been found in semen, raising fears that it could be transmitted sexually. “Yeah,” said Fred Malzenburg, a 52-year-old former waste management professional from Akron, Ohio, “that’s how I got it for sure.”

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly paid $1.1 million for speeches he never gave as part of a Mississippi welfare fraud scheme. “I didn’t speak, but I fulfilled my commitment to those people,” Favre said. “I sent them some… pictures.”

Jerry, Reno is not “the safest place in the world.”

A woman killed by an alligator at a South Carolina gated community last week was there to do a homeowner’s nails. “We are devastated,” the homeowner, who wished to remain anonymous, told a local newspaper. “Consuela was… how do I say this?… her name, I think.”

Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, has contracted coronavirus. As a result, her husband is quarantining in Florida with his closest other relatives, a colony of flesh-eating bacteria known as Vibrio vulnificus.

Due to a marked decrease in undocumented immigration stemming from coronavirus, the HR department will be now be performing maintenance duties. They’ve taken your shit for long enough, and now they have to clean it up!

New York’s subway system was completely shut down for the first time in history Wednesday for a coronavirus-related deep cleaning. Upon further inspection, it is not expected to reopen.

The final Nazi message decoded by the British government has been released in honor of the 75th anniversary of VE Day. “Surrender all units,” the message reads, “and initiate operation Drumpf.”

“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
-Proverbs 19:17

… but that’s not why I’m doing it.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!

BUSINESS.

The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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