Internal Memo for 6/4/14

Good Evening,

You didn’t think I’d let a single day go by this week without a memo, did you?  Oh, you did?  You’re fired!  Business!

A US man has been diagnosed with Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS.  The virus has killed 282 people in Saudi Arabia since 2012, making it the deadliest thing to come out of the region since religion.

A South Carolina woman was arrested Saturday for stealing a bible from a Wal-Mart.  “What?” Said Frances Thomas, 33, “I just had to see how it ends!”

Don’t forget to check out Anna the intern on the season premiere of Suits– next Wednesday at 9/8c on USA!  Characters are welcome in this office!

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.  To mark the occasion, China is planning another.

Scientists have named an ancient giant crocodile after JRR Tolkien’s mythical beast, the Balrog.  Nerds.

Jerry, there is no such thing as “casual Wednesday.”
 
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has agreed to drop his lawsuit against the NBA and sell the team to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.  “He’s not black, right?”  Sterling said in a statement.  “Then yeah whatever fine.”

A Japanese woman is seeking a divorce from her husband because he doesn’t like the movie Frozen.  “She asked me if I wanted to build a snowman,” said the husband, who prefers to remain anonymous, “next thing I know, my clothes are on the street.”

If you are the owner of a 1984 light purple Datsun automobile, your lights are on.  Also, please move it immediately- you are devaluing the image of the company.

Alaska officials suspect that a low-level eruption at the state’s Pavlof volcano may be intensifying, following reports of ash plumes over 22,000 feet high.  “Somebody rang the bell,” said park ranger Dean Jacobs at a press conference, “WHO RANG THE DAMN BELL?”
 
In the logo for Super Bowl 50, the NFL is replacing the Roman numeral “L” with the number “50.”  “It’s already called the ‘Super Bowl,’” said Commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, “the last thing we need is another weed reference.”

Well… that’s one more hump day on our march towards the grave!

-The Chairman

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