Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/16/20

I wish it hadn’t come to this… but I’ve been forced to send a weekend memo. It seems some of you have already forgotten that time means nothing anymore, and that you can be called on to work at any time of day, any day of the week, so you have begun to take “Saturdays” “off.” I’m going to say this as diplomatically as possible:


the fuck

is wrong with you?


Vladimir Putin’s chief spokesman, Dmitry Peskov, has tested positive for coronavirus. He reportedly contracted it from one of a number of infected White House staffers.

Mary-Kate Olsen has petitioned a New York City court for an emergency divorce from her husband of five years, French banker Olivier Sarkozy. Judge Judy Berman replied with a GIF of Olsen saying, “You got it, dude!” followed by, “Just kidding, everything is closed.”

Anna from M&A, I found your OnlyFans page 😉

Roy Horn, one-half of legendary tiger-taming duo Siegfried & Roy, has died from coronavirus-related complications. Horn’s partner Siegfried Fischbacher has since released a statement reading, “I am devastated over the loss of my partner, Roy Horn. I am equally excited to announce my new partner, Joe Exotic.”

In the wake of several high-profile COVID-19 infections, the White House has instituted a new mandatory face-covering policy. Mike Pence clarified that the policy will only apply to women, telling reporters, “It’s about time.”

Jerry, you are not Elon Musk’s Cyrano de Bergerac.

Video has emerged of a 113-year-old Spanish coronavirus survivor talking about her battle against the virus. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”

An armed man drove his SUV into a crowd of people gathered for a “Salute to Nurses” parade in Darby, Pennsylvania last Tuesday. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”

Want to earn a quick $100? We’re looking for volunteers for our own intracompany coronavirus study! Please email with your age, height, job title, and complete bank account information (for direct deposit). Feel free to forward to friends and acquaintances!

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that some US citizens are not eligible for coronavirus-related stimulus checks because they’re married to immigrants. When asked about the report at a recent press conference, Donald Trump lashed out at reporters, saying, “People who marry immigrants need to learn their lesson! I married one and it’s been HORRIBLE.”

Johnson & Johnson Chief Scientific Officer Paul Stoffels stated publicly last week that the company is aiming to manufacture and deliver 1 billion coronavirus vaccines by 2021. Shares of Johnson & Johnson shot up 20% after the announcement, at which point Stoffels sold all of his shares and tendered his resignation.

Don’t make me send another of these tomorrow.

It’s the lord’s day, for god’s sake.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/13/19

Good evening Boeing shareholders,

You’re fucked!


When Walmart US CEO Greg Foran recently asked employees to email him with complaints, he received about 2,700 responses. Foran said he initially expected to receive more before remembering that most Walmart employees are too poor to own a computer.

A new bill introduced in the California state legislature aims to allow residents to salvage and eat roadkill. The state is desperately seeking a use for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Anna from Accounts Payable, you really should smile more.

UFC fighter Conor McGregor was arrested in Miami Beach on Monday for allegedly smashing the cell phone of someone who was trying to take his picture. The phone was the 15th-ranked middleweight in the UFC, and a rematch has already been scheduled for later this year.

An Arizona woman was attacked by a jaguar after crossing a zoo barrier in an attempt to take a selfie. Luckily, Blake Bortles was intercepted before he could cause serious harm.

Jerry, I knew you didn’t get into Yale for women’s soccer.

A high school jersey of Kobe Bryant’s that was stolen several years ago was returned to the superstar by a Chinese man who thought he had purchased it legally. “I don’t know who initially stole it,” Bryant told reporters Tuesday, “but it has the distinct taste of Shaq’s ass.”

In recently resurfaced audio from the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show, Fox News host Tucker Carlson calls Iraq “a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semiliterate, primitive monkeys.” A majority of Republicans have since condemned Carlson for his blatant disrespect of US troops.

Join us this Friday at 3 AM in Conference Room B5 for our semiannual staff enrichment lecture! See if you can guess our guest speaker! (Hint: She definitely didn’t kill her roommate.)

Health care costs for an unvaccinated Oregon boy who almost died of tetanus in 2017 totaled almost $1 million. The boy’s parents say it was a small price to pay for not having autism.

China is planning to introduce a new fleet of driverless magnetic levitation trains by 2020. Authorities say the trains will be able to shuttle some 10,000 Uyghurs a day to concentration camps at speeds of up to 600 MPH.

Hang on…

Yup, still fucked.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/7/18

Great news, ingrates! I, your most trusted and powerful kin- I mean, chairman, now have…

wait for it…



“Bang it” here, as the kids say, for the latest in erotic witticisms and company paraphernalia.

Take your time. We’ll be here when you’re done.


Unscrupulous ridesharing giant Uber has unveiled its latest project: Uber Elevate, a service that would bring flight to urban commuting. No word yet on whether pilots will talk to you.

Actor John Stamos has married Caitlin McHugh, who is the same age as the Olsen twins.

Hey Anna from Legal, are you the stock market? Cause you were gettin DOWN at the company happy hour!

Erstwhile comedian Aaron Glaser, who was blacklisted from New York comedy theater the Upright Citizens Brigade after charges of sexual assault, is suing the theater for gender discrimination. “Look at their improv teams,” Glaser said in his lawsuit. “Not a straight white man among them.”

The eastern cougar has been declared extinct. The western cougar is thriving, mostly in Palm Springs.

Jerry, it is not titled Call Me By Your Peach.

The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots by a score of 41-33 on Sunday to take home the team’s first Super Bowl. Afterwards, rioters in Philadelphia overturned cars, scaled light posts, and finally killed Santa Claus.

In further Super Bowl news, Australian Trade Minister Steve Ciobo estimates that an Australian tourism ad that ran during the game depicting a fake Crocodile Dundee sequel generated $30 million in free media. That’s $30 million Australian, or roughly 35 cents, enough to buy 13 Crocodile Dundee box sets.

The Winter Olympics begins Friday! It’s full of bi athletes! HA- never gets old.

A leading nutritionist says eating a slice of pizza for breakfast is healthier than eating a bowl of cereal. “It’s common sense,” Dr. Dolores PapaJohn told website The Daily Meal. “It has better ingredients.”

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has cut its entire research budget for drugs that treat Alzheimer’s Disease. Facing backlash, the company released a statement reading, “Everybody relax. Patients won’t notice.”

Before you know it, I’ll have a Snapchat! A public one, that is 😉

-The Chairman