Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/14/19

Hello Summertime Sadlets,

I, The Chairman, am BACK after a much-needed 2-week vacation. After all, writing the memo isn’t all I do for this company- I also schedule it, send it out, admonish you for not reading it, and, of course, PROFIT.

I had a lot on my mind during my little “summer” “break”: unnecessary protests in Hong Kong, unnecessary deaths in America, unnecessary remakes of Home Alone… but what consumed my consciousness more than anything else was Dustin Diamond. Yeah, Screech. Does he still work here? I hired him a while back to do some sexual harassment training videos for our Thailand office and I heard he was still hanging around? Are we paying him or what? Don’t get me wrong, I like a celebrity boxer as much as the next guy, but if we can no longer write off his per diems as a compliance expense he’s gotta go.

Dustin, if you’re reading this, thank you for your service. Now GTFO.

BUSINESS.

An asteroid large enough to destroy a city came within 44,000 miles of Earth last month. NASA has released a statement promising they will redirect the next one to Washington, DC.

A new study links anticholinergics, a widely-used class of drugs, to a much higher risk of dementia. The study’s publishers have admitted their findings may be unreliable, as many subjects kept forgetting to take their pills.

Anna from Maintenance, I had no idea you were a Juggalo! Wasn’t that sex tent great?

A jury has ruled that singer Katy Perry’s 2013 hit “Dark Horse” copied parts of a 2009 Christian rap song called “Joyful Noise.” The jury ruled that the former song’s lyrics were eerily similar to the original, “So you wanna play with Jesus, boy you should know what you’re fighting for, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jeeesssssuuuus, Jesus you’re a dark horse.”
 
An Iranian cargo ship sank off the Azerbaijani coast late last month. The vessel was reportedly carrying a shipment of tiles that the Iranian government has called “weapons-grade.”

Jerry, we all know you do CrossFit.

A proposed merger between T-Mobile and Sprint has been given the go-ahead by the United States Justice Department. Should the deal finally be consummated, it would mark the first successful connection for either company.

Singer Wayne Newton is being sued after a monkey bit a girl who was visiting his Las Vegas home in 2017. Newton is said to be “surprised and grateful” that the suit was not related to sexual assault.

Have you ever dreamed of owning your own home? Well, now you can with our company-sponsored friends and family mortgages! They have a low introductory rate of .0001% APR for the first year, and only 50% every year thereafter! Inquire with HR today!

Amsterdam is planning to ban all fossil fuel-powered cars from the city by 2030. “There’s really no need for them,” Mayor Femke Halsema said on Tuesday, “you can go just as fast cycling on mushrooms.”

Kim Kardashian has trademarked the name “Kimono” for her new shapewear line. The act has angered many of her Japanese fans, who wish she would make another sex tape where she fucks an octopus.

UPDATE: If you do come into contact with Dustin at any point, exercise extreme caution. He may be armed.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/27/14

Good Morning,

It’s LGBTQ week at the office!  I’m Q!  Business!
 
A Dutch UNICEF ambassador has resigned her post after tweeting a photoshopped picture of Colombian soccer players snorting cocaine off the field.  “I picked the wrong joke, and I am truly sorry,” actress Nicolette Van Dam said in a statement.  “If there’s anything Colombia is known for, it’s shooting their players after they have a bad match.”
 
Singer Katy Perry has offered to write Hillary Clinton a theme song if the senator decides to run for president in 2016.  “You already did!”  Clinton tweeted in response to the offer, “I’ve kissed several girls and I liked them!”

Big week for Anna from swimwear!  Summer’s heating up!!

Katie Couric married financier John Molner over the weekend, sadly ensuring that my Couric-Lauer fan fiction will remain just that.
 
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed relics from an ancient plague that may have helped spread Christianity.  “These artifacts represent an important time in the history of our religion,” said Pope Francis, “and have given me a very good idea.”

Jerry, I saw the teeth marks.

According to a recent CDC study, excessive drinking causes 10% of deaths in working adults.  In non-working adults, the figure jumps to 100%.
 
A Native American group is planning to file a $9 billion lawsuit against the Cleveland Indians, claiming the organization’s “Chief Wahoo” logo is offensive.  “Based on this country’s history,” said Indians president Mark Shapiro, “we fully expect that the Native Americans will somehow wind up owing us money.”

The United States has advanced to the round of 16 at the World Cup!  In celebration, everyone gets to watch the next match on his or her DVR when he or she finishes work on Tuesday!

Actor Shia LaBeouf has been charged with disorderly conduct after disrupting a performance of Cabaret on Broadway.  “I always had a hunch, but this proved it,” said one chagrined theatergoer, “Shia LaBeouf is worse than the Nazis.”

The German government has canceled a contract with Verizon over concerns that the company may be sharing data with the US government.  “We just cannot afford to take any risks,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in a statement, “I’ve got a lot of kinky shit on my phone.”

A Maryland father recently hit a teacher with a baseball bat for sending his daughter “inappropriate texts.”  In a related story, teachers in Maryland have students’ cell phone numbers.

George from legal came out today.

-The Chairman

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