Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/2/16

Happy Super Tuesday, Trumpophiles!  Hope you enjoyed yesterday’s zenith of xenophobia as much as I did.  I celebrated in the grand old Washingtonian tradition: campaign-expensed hookers.  Business!

The Church of Latter-day Saints has been instructing members to complete “online missionary work” by giving the Book of Mormon five stars on Amazon.com.  The initiative is part of the church’s controversial new campaign, “Amazon is the new the Amazon!”

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Jennifer Garner calls Ben Affleck “the love of my life.”  In a companion interview, Affleck calls Garner “the love of my life’s former boss.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from Maintenance on 25 years at the company!  That woman sure knows how to polish a knob.

A recent UK study shows that drinking coffee may undo liver damage caused by excessive alcohol consumption.  The study has already led to the deaths of three Bank of America first year analysts, with a fourth in critical condition.

Rapper T.I. has apologized after a radio interview in which he said he could not vote for a woman to be president because women make “rash” decisions.  He later clarified that he meant he would not vote for a woman to be president because several women have given him rashes, in the form of permanent and untreatable sexually transmitted diseases.

Jerry, your grandmother was not “the original Bernie Sanders.”

An Ohio man who fatally shot his roommate and ate part of his brain is up for parole.  His parole is expected to be denied at the present time, but granted next year in Donald Trump’s America! ©

Norwegian teenager Alexandra Andresen has become the world’s youngest billionaire, with a net worth of $1.2 billion.  In a related story, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was seen wandering the streets of Burlington, Vermont late Tuesday night, quietly muttering to himself, “I thought it was a socialist utopia.”

In case you missed it, February was Black History Month!  I know I did.

In the hopes of evening out attendance numbers, Disneyland is introducing surge pricing.  “This is just one more thing we have in common with Uber,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a statement, “another company known for its Mickey Mouse practices and arbitrarily high prices.”

Much like last year’s viral phenomenon “the dress,” an Adidas jacket has caused mass disagreement over its color in a picture posted on the blogging site Tumblr.  “I don’t know what you see,” presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in, “but I see a Muslim Mexican illegal raping an American manufacturing job.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand the polls are officially closed!  Get out of here, minorities!

-The Chairman

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