Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/16/18

Dearest underlings,

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last several months. Good news: they worked! We have a war in the Middle Ea$t! 58 dead and counting! Tragically, of course. Very, very sad.

AAAAAAAAnywaaaaaaayyyy, when added to the ongoing conflict in $yria, this latest Pale$tinian-I$raeli clash should bring several new revenue streams into our purview. As they say: next year in Jeru$alem! If it still exists…

Business!

Donald Trump Jr., in the process of divorcing wife Vanessa, is reportedly dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Trump Jr. said he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, who is blowing the network.

The “deodorant challenge,” a trend where teenagers spray aerosol deodorant onto each other’s bare skin to see who can endure it the longest, is causing second-degree burns. Officials have advised against it in every country except France, where they say participants should “use deodorant at all costs.”

Ramadan Mubarak, آنا from Accounting! Gotta fit into that burkini!

According to a new study by health insurer Cigna, most Americans are considered lonely. Cigna has since assured respondents it has many different health plans to combat said loneliness, starting at $2,000 a month.

Russian President Vladimir Putin scored 5 goals in an exhibition hockey game last week in Sochi. A reporter later asked Putin if the other team let him score, and was summarily hanged.

Jerry, it’s Yanny.

Red Sox pitcher David Price has denied allegations that he developed carpal tunnel syndrome from playing the video game Fortnite. “I don’t play that game too much,” Price told reporters Monday. “But boy, do I masturbate.”

A new study suggests the drug Ecstasy may be an effective treatment for PTSD. The controversial study is titled “Common Sense.”

In celebration of the Supreme Court’s virtual legalization of sports gambling, we’ve opened our very own sportsbook in Conference Room D! Free wings if you wager on the Browns!

The spread of an ancient skin-eating fungus that has been killing off large numbers of amphibians around the globe has been traced back to the Korean War. “I would like to express my sincere remorse,” Korean War veteran Daryl Johnston said in response to the discovery, “I should never have fucked that frog.”

After discovering a bug earlier this month, Twitter recommended all of its users change their passwords. Shortly thereafter, Sean Spicer tweeted, “TRuMpisInn0cent!$&1:)”

Anytime you can move the location of an embassy with only 58 dead, you simply must.

It’s $imple math.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/2/18

Good morning, mercenaries! Welcome to day 2,963 of the bloody conflict in Syria! In case you were wondering, our profits have netted out to about $36,500 per day. Not bad for the Middle East! In fact, we estimate that at war’s end (~2035), we will own 98% of all Syrian oil. Hubba hubba!

Now that’s what I call liberation.

Business!

The New York Times is reporting that, while serving as state senator, EPA chief Scott Pruitt bought an Oklahoma house from a lobbyist. Pruitt reportedly used the house to fuck his mistress: the planet.

The six biggest banks in the United States saved $3.6 billion last quarter thanks to last year’s Republican tax bill. All six say the money will be much better spent on a small number of shareholders than on “the public schools none of them attended.”

Thanks for the endorsement, Anna from LinkedIn! I had no IDEA you’d seen me do mime.

The United Kingdom plans to ban plastic straws, stirrers, and cotton swabs. The proposed ban follows a similar one on toothbrushes from 1575.

Donald Trump has asked several African nations to support a US-led bid for a 2026 North American World Cup. “We really need your voluntary support,” Trump said in a recent press conference, “just like your people voluntarily supported us in creating a thriving, cotton-based economy in the American South throughout the 18th and 19th centuries.”

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

A picture of a Spanish woman has gone viral because of her stunning resemblance to Donald Trump. After seeing the photo, Mike Pence is no longer allowed to be alone in the same room as his boss.

DMX’s lawyer played the rapper’s song Slippin’ in court last week in the hopes the judge might lessen her client’s sentence for tax evasion. The attorney said she was inspired by fellow rapper Xzibit’s sex trafficking trial last year, which featured several screened episodes of Pimp My Ride.

COFFEEPOTS! Who’s got em?

The Lyrid Meteor Shower peaked last weekend. Oops.

Wireless companies T-Mobile and Sprint have announced plans to merge. Negotiations are ongoing, as their calls keep dropping.

Keep on fighting, rebels! We $tand with you.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/21/18

Happy second day of spring, vassals! Or, for those on the East Coast, first day of winter! Won’t it be great when climate change finally rids us of this infernal white pestilence forever?

Won’t be long now…

Business!

UN investigators have determined that Facebook played a significant role in the violent persecution of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar. Mark Zuckerberg has responded by announcing a 12-village speaking tour in or near the country streaming live on Facebook Watch, as well as a donation of $1 million over the next 200 years to fight Tritanopia in the area.

Donald Trump Jr., whose wife Vanessa recently filed for divorce, reportedly had an affair with musician Aubrey O’Day while she was a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice. O’Day is best known as the lead singer of Danity Kane, the band Trump Jr. would be if he were a band.

Anna from Accounting, are you the Blarney Stone? Cause after kissing you I just can’t stop talking about it! NOT good news for my marriage.

This week, for the first time, the Israeli military admitted to a 2007 strike on a suspected nuclear reactor site in Syria. “You know, we thought all you guys were crazy,” Israeli spokesman Chaim Lubovitch said of the admission, “but it does feel good to deny something.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the White House will have no comment on Vladimir Putin’s uncontested victory in Russia’s presidential election, saying the US “can’t dictate” how other countries choose their leaders. She then added, “That’s a one-way street.”

Jerry, you did not pick UMBC.

During a recent seminar, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank chocolate milk to illustrate the need for diversity in the workplace. “Personally, I thought it was tone deaf,” said HR rep James Brewer, who was in attendance at the event. “Everybody knows regular milk is better for you.”

A small dose of Viagra, administered daily, has been shown to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in mice. Treated mice have also shown increased ability to fuck their way out of a maze.

Time for an update on our March Madness pool! It still hasn’t been cleaned, so please do NOT swim in it. Hope it’ll be ready by the Final Four!

Necco, the venerable confectioner behind the message hearts popular around Valentine’s Day, is preparing to close its Massachusetts factory. “It’s not a good climate for us right now,” CEO Michael McGee said in a statement. “We make the only candy that can get you fired.”

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that pornographic actress Stormy Daniels passed a 2011 polygraph test during which she said she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump. “This means nothing,” Trump lawyer Joseph diGenova said at a recent press conference. “As we’ve all seen, she’s a great actress.”

Hey, it’s better than nuclear winter!

That’s next spring.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/5/17

Good Morning,

Well, fuck it, I tried.  I did absolutely everything I could to make this company profitable and give back to the shareholders and fuck over everyone who doesn’t work for us and enrich myself greatly by quasi-legal means.  And what did I get in return?  The Syrian government is killing children with chemical weapons and North Korea is firing ballistic missiles at Japan.  Meanwhile, the United States has a real estate shyster and the head of a fossil fuel company doing diplomacy.  Oh, and did I mention that at least one of those two DIDN’T WANT THE FUCKING JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Now it’s only a matter of time before every single one of us is incinerated in the greatest extinction event since the dinosaurs.  WHICH EXISTED, MIKE PENCE.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

It is with a heavy heart that I present to you what may very well be the last business of our lives.

A new study indicates that playing a single game of Tetris can reduce the effects of PTSD.  And increase the effects of TSD.

New York design firm Clouds Architecture Office has drafted plans for a skyscraper that would orbit the Earth while hanging from an asteroid.  The structure is being marketed as the perfect place for those who “don’t want to close their eyes, don’t want to fall asleep.”

Congratulations, Anna from HR.  I’m glad you finally graduated from community college in time to die.

A missing Indonesian man was recently found dead in the belly of a giant python.  To clarify, the man was Chinese, but the python’s name was Donesia.

The number of heroin users in the United States has increased fivefold.  And that’s just since November.

Jerry, do whatever the fuck you want.

A new company is matching up people with opposite political views over free Starbucks coffee, in the hopes that they can at least agree it tastes burnt.

Following its successful launch of a recycled rocket booster, Elon Musk’s company SpaceX is currently hiring 473 positions.  The only necessary qualification is an ability to be talked down to.

Who wants scones?  Enjoy your last indulgence before our fiery apocalypse- Conference Room C.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed to close famed prison complex Rikers Island.  In response, HBO is suspending original content development indefinitely.

The Coastal Carolina University cheerleading squad has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged prostitution.  Some of the school’s sports teams reportedly became suspicious when the cheerleaders’ only chant was “Give me a D!”

You know what I’ll miss most?  Apples.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/23/16

Good Afternoon,

We’re hiring!

Currently seeking any active or dormant paramilitary groups (not necessarily American!) as a contingency for the upcoming election.  If you know of any, send ‘em along!

Please don’t mention the word “coup.”

BUSINESS.

A Zimbabwean man recently caught having sex with a donkey claimed it was a human prostitute who had changed forms.  “I just don’t know what happened,” the man insisted when questioned by police.  “Last thing I remember I told her I liked ass play.”

Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner revealed that she and costar Maisie Williams have gotten matching tattoos related to the show.  As a result, Turner said neither woman has been allowed to engage in sex of any kind, as it might constitute a spoiler.

Anna from Accounts Receivable really hit the jackpot!  Maybe I should get a divorce….

A sinkhole in Florida has caused wastewater to leak into a large aquifer full of drinking water.  It represents an example of a rare geological phenomenon: a sinkhole within a shithole.

Apple’s recently released (and widely derided) iOS 10 mobile operating system contains a pornographic GIF of a character from My Little Pony.  In a statement, Apple has called it “a little gift for the early adopters.”

Jerry, Colin Kaepernick is not your “spirit animal.”

A lasting conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is the clone of former Satanist leader Zeena Lavey has found new life online.  Swift’s ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal has called the rumor “ridiculous,” asserting that Swift herself “is Satan.”

The main attraction at North Korea’s recently reopened national zoo in Pyongyang is the “dog pavilion,” which features a number of different breeds of canine.  The area is popular in part because North Koreans are not used to seeing dogs not labeled “pork.”

Rub-a-dub-dub!  Don’t forget the company car wash is this Saturday (tomorrow) at noon in the south parking lot!  This year’s charity is the Syrian refugees that will be washing your car!

A new pipeline carrying 4,000 liters of beer an hour has opened in Bruges, Belgium.  Three people have since drowned.

In a recent interview with DuJour Magazine, Melania Trump said that her husband Donald is “not Hitler.”  “But,” she added, “he’s working harder every day.”

No memo last week… too many interviews!

We lost a lot of good men at that table…

-The Chairman

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