Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/6/16

Happy belated, America!  You were the greatest country in the world for the better part of 200 years… quite the accomplishment.  Business!

FBI Director James Comey has called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton “extremely careless” with classified information during her time as Secretary of State, but has not recommended bringing charges against her.  “Listen, she’s no longer in a position of power, so who cares?” Comey said at a press conference.  “No further questions.”

A grizzly bear killed a mountain biker last week near Glacier National Park in Montana.  After the mauling, the bear hopped on the dead man’s bike and now has 5,000,000 views on YouTube.

“Started from the bottom now she’s here!”  Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on her promotion to “mail supervisor!”  Thirty years in the making!

The Taiwanese military accidentally fired a missile last week that killed a Chinese fisherman.  “We are furious that the Taiwanese military would mercilessly murder a Chinese citizen, accidentally or otherwise,” Chinese General Fan Changlong told reporters after the incident.  “Only we are allowed to do that.”

Virginia lawmakers have introduced new legislation to prevent 12 year-olds from getting married in the state.  “I like the law,” said Felix Hatfield, 53, whose fiancé is 12 year-old Ellie Mae Jensen.  “I’ve always wanted to move to Mississippi.”

Jerry, it’s called a piccolo, not a “sound phallus.”

A work featuring drifting Gabors took home first place in the Neural Correlate Society’s “Best Illusion of the Year” contest for 2016.  The work narrowly beat out the second place illusion: American democracy.

Notorious infidelity website Ashley Madison has admitted that some of the female “users” of its site are not actual women, but virtual computer programs.  “We decided to come clean, as we don’t want any of our users to feel cheated,” parent company Avid Life Media wrote in a statement.  “Just their spouses.”

Want to “Beat the Heat” this summer?  Why not stay at the office?  The AC is on and the work is reeeeaaaallll cooooooooooool.

Pilot Bertrand Piccard made history last month when he completed a 71-hour journey across the Atlantic Ocean in a solar powered plane.  The actual flight took 14 hours, but Piccard’s team built in an additional 57 hours for self-congratulation.

One of Donald Trump’s advisers told CNN that he expects the “candidate” to pick a running mate by next week.  “His choice will need to fit three main criteria,” the source said, “36-24-36.  And only if she’s 5’3”.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and as they age they sort themselves out into very rich and very poor.

-The Chairman

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