Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/6/16

Good afternoon, conservative firebrands!  WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW??

The Canadian government is working to decriminalize recreational marijuana use by early 2017.  The new law is expected to make it even harder to tell whether or not a Canadian is high.

Searcy Hayes, the 21-year-old Ted Cruz lookalike who agreed to do porn after appearing on The Maury Povich Show, says she has never heard of Cruz.  In related news, the Republican senator has ended his candidacy for president after failing to connect with his core demographic.

Is that you, Anna from Digital, or the anatomically correct sex bot you recently patented?  Glad I can’t tell!

In an effort to deter poachers, Kenya lit the largest ivory bonfire in history this week.  “This will send a very clear message to those who traffic in this precious substance,” Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta told reporters during the lighting ceremony.  “And if they don’t get it, we will do something even clearer: kill all the elephants.”

The US Attorney has released former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s pedophilic texts, one of which involves telling an associate he will “pay (him) big for a 14 or 15-year-old.”  “Jared was clearly talking about a delicious Subway sub,” Fogle’s lawyer Gary Schermerhorn told reporters on Wednesday.  “Subs, subs, subs- everybody loves subs!  Jared really liked old subs – agedas he called them.  He always liked things a little on the old side- never young.  That’s gross.  Who wants a young child- I mean, sandwich?  Who’s hungry?”

Jerry, I need to see your business cards.

Paramount Pictures is under fire for trying to make Scarlett Johansson look more Asian in her upcoming film Ghost in the Shell.  “It won’t work,” Johansson’s ex-husband Ryan Reynolds told the studio in a leaked email.  “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

North Korea is in the midst of mounting its biggest political event in 36 years.  Though details from the notoriously secretive country are hard to come by, one witness called the proceedings “a Donald Trump rally.”

SPOILER ALERT: HBO’s enormously popular Game of Thrones surprised millions last week when it was revealed to have finally jumped the shark.

More than 1,300 pounds of ancient Roman coins have been unearthed in Spain.  The discovery, valued at $1 trillion, has the potential to reduce the country’s deficit to $365,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 trillion.

Scientists from California’s HRL Laboratories may have discovered a way to “upload knowledge” to the human brain.  “We’re hoping to make this technology widely accessible by early November,” HRL’s Dr. Matthew Phillips said in a statement, “before it’s too late.”

As some of you have pointed out, there have been some inexcusable errors in recent memos.  I incorrectly stated the Golden State Warriors had beaten the Minnesota Timberwolves to reach 74 wins, when in fact they beat the Memphis Grizzlies.  And… gasp … there was a TYPO.  To you tireless workers who brought these gaffes to my attention, I say: thank you… for making it easier to fire you!  Get the hell out of here you nitpicking busybodies!  GOD it feels good to make 440 times as much as you people.

obama mic drop obama out correspondents dinner

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 2/13/16

Happy Lent, sheeple!  In celebration of our oldest and Christianest holiday, I’ve decided to give up not writing memos for forty days!  No, that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting a memo a day (who has time for that?), but it does mean you’ll be getting them regularly from now until the end of time.  Seeing as North Korea just tested a long-range missile, I should be off the hook soon.  Business!

It was revealed last week that Bernie Sanders is the only presidential candidate who pays his interns, at a rate of $10.10 an hour.  Upon hearing the news, Donald Trump began paying his previously unpaid interns $15 an hour.  When asked about his decision, Trump replied, “I will not be thought of as cheaper than a Jew.”

Japanese decluttering guru Marie Kondo, author of the popular book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is in New York City this month, filming herself helping local residents tidy their homes.  When asked how she felt after interviewing several prospective clients, Kondo replied, “I’m a little surprised… I’ve never seen so much live-action porn.”

Everybody throw some beads at Anna from Sales!  No, she didn’t flash anyone at our annual Mardi Gras fête, but she did ferry 23 employees with alcohol poisoning to the ER.  Safest year yet!

A team of scientists has announced the detection of “gravitational waves,” the final piece needed to fulfill Einstein’s general theory of relativity.  These particular waves, created when two black holes slam forcefully into one another, were a result of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having sex.

Speaking of West, he and Taylor Swift are at odds again after West raps about having sex with the popstar on his forthcoming album.  As West has yet to release the track in question, there is no word yet on whether or not he lets Swift finish.

After a 408-2 vote in the House of Representatives, the United States Congress has passed new sanctions against North Korea, as the rogue nation continues to develop its nuclear weapons program.  When informed of the bill’s passage, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley exclaimed, “How’d North Korea get two votes?”

Jerry, you did not send HGH to Peyton Manning’s wife.

In one of his final interviews from aboard the International Space Station, American astronaut Scott Kelly said the Earth’s atmosphere looks “very, very fragile,” citing parts of Asia and Central America as the most polluted.  Kelly, who is white, was immediately decried as racist, censured by the United Nations, and jettisoned into the vast nothingness of space, never to return again.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz recently pulled a campaign ad titled “Conservatives Anonymous” because it featured a former softcore porn actress.  Amy Lindsay, whose onscreen credits include Erotic Confessions,Deviant Whores, and Star Trek: Voyager, lambasted Cruz on Twitter, revealing that Cruz had told her on set that he “had seen all her films” and admired her “perky, elliptical nipples.”

How bout that Super Bowl, am I right?  I mean, was that the Super Bowl or The Wiz Live?  Right?  Formation!

Scottish tennis player Andy Murray became a father this week, when wife Kim Sears gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  The child was due several years ago but, like her father, she took much longer than expected to break through.

January Jones sparked pregnancy rumors by showing up at the Super Bowl with what appeared to be a baby bump.  The identity of the child’s father is unknown, but it has been confirmed that he is a better actor than its mother.

I’m gonna drink a whole lotta Budweiser tonight, that’s for sure.

-The Chairman

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