Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/25/18

Hello Freak Athletes,

The NFL Draft starts tomorrow! Or, as I like to call it, CTEaster. Who is risen? Who is fallen? Who is a domestic abuser?

Buckle up those chin straps and LET’S FIND SOME GOOD EGGS.

BUSINESS.

Doctor Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, may not be confirmed after reports he doled out prescriptions “like candy” and drank on the job. In light of this new information, legislators recommend Jackson return immediately to his position as Trump’s personal physician.

A YouTube celebrity recently said “Gucci Gang” one million times for charity. The charity has since returned all proceeds, citing a healthy level of shame.

You da bomb, Anna from Stratego!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will use a parrot to announce some of the team’s picks during the upcoming NFL Draft. There is a chance the parrot will be announcing itself, as it recently flew a 4.2 40.

US Citizenship and Immigration Services’ new mission statement no longer calls the United States “a nation of immigrants.” Donald Trump says the decision was made “out of respect for the tremendous sacrifice of Native American and indigenous peoples across this great land.”

No, Jerry, those are not dumplings.

A naked gunman opened fire at a Waffle House in Tennessee over the weekend, killing four. “I used to be all for guns, but now I’m not so sure,” local resident Tim Gentry told reporters after the incident. “Schools are one thing, but church is sacred.”

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has announced he will close his country’s main nuclear test site. He has since announced the opening of a new site in South Korea.

There is nothing more malleable than the human heart. That’s according to our newest artist in residence, Theodore Walpole, whose latest exhibition Real Human Organs is on view through Saturday in the second-floor atrium. Donate!

New regulations proposed by the Trump administration would allow restaurant owners and managers to take a share of servers’ tips, so long as those servers make minimum wage. Trump has called the plan “an important way to reward risk-taking, entrepreneurial Americans who watch other people work.”

Residents of New York’s Brooklyn Heights neighborhood are complaining that local rats have grown huge from eating the trash from a neighborhood Chipotle. “We’re actively working to poison these rats,” company spokesperson Quinn Kelsey told the New York Post. “Have you tried our queso?”

Remember: If the shell isn’t cracked, the yolk inside is juuuuust fiiiiiine.

Now get back in there and HIT SOMEONE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/15/16

It’s a beautiful day in the gig economy!  Health insurance is soooooo 1998.  Business!

A Minnesota company has created a gun that looks exactly like a cell phone.  Though merely a prototype, the weapon is said to have a longer range than both T-Mobile and Sprint.

Louisiana Tech Women’s Basketball coach Tyler Summitt, son of legendary Tennessee Women’s Basketball coach Pat Summitt, has resigned following reports that he impregnated one of his players.  When informed of the situation, the Louisiana Tech athletic department was reportedly “shocked and disappointed” to learn that one of the team’s players was interested in men.

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on finally beating cancer!  She’s in a better place now.  A memorial service will be held next Tuesday in the second floor break room (next to the water cooler).

An extremely rare copy of Shakespeare’s first folio has been found on the Scottish Isle of Bute.  The discovery is a major boon for Scottish literacy, which the English had previously asserted began around 1993.

In other Shakespeare news, marijuana residue has been found on pipes unearthed from the legendary playwright’s garden.  “This discovery explains the greatest mystery of Shakespeare’s life:” researcher Edward Rathbone told reporters, “The Tempest.”

Jerry, calling you by your name does not “insult your German heritage.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has declared that the leak of the recent “Panama Papers” is an American attempt to destabilize Russia in advance of the country’s September elections.  “If you thought Chernobyl was bad, wait til you see how many people this leak kills!” Putin said in his annual press conference.  “Too soon?”

The Golden State Warriors beat the Minnesota Timberwolves Wednesday night to become the first team in NBA history to win 73 games during a single regular season.  The Warriors broke the previous record of 72 wins set by the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, which stopped at that number because Michael Jordan bet on it.

It’s been a long week.  Need a drink?  Head to the monthly AA meeting in conference room B.  For your family’s sake!

Cloud analysis suggests that global warming could be much worse than previously thought.  To those who don’t believe the phenomenon exists, it remains about the same.

The first trailer for the upcoming Star Wars spinoff film, Rogue One, was released last week.  It features an opening shot of Jawas riding banthas on the planet Tatooine, followed by two minutes of George Lucas masturbating with a $100 bill.

What is with you people and Snapchat?  Keep it in your pants, teens!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/5/14

Good Evening,
 
So far, this week has been the company’s most productive in decades.  Coincidence? I THINK NOT.  Business!
 
Scientists at Stanford University may have found the molecular basis for hair color.  “Today, we are one step closer to our goal,” said research specialist Catherine Guenther, lead author of the landmark study, “a world without gingers.”
 
A supervisor at Atkinson Cotton Warehouse in Memphis, Tennessee threatened to hang a black employee for drinking from a “white people only” water fountain.  “We will not tolerate this sort of bigotry,” said outraged owner of the warehouse, E.W. Atkinson.  “We would expect this in Europe, but not here.”

For the third year in a row, Anna from accounting has beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity!  This year, she raised over $45!
 
An American University law professor made the case to a group of senators Tuesday that, if spending money constitutes free speech, outlawing prostitution is unconstitutional.  His comments were followed by a brief silence, broken only by one senator’s excited cry of “Told ya!”
 
Though she died in 1996, Bulgarian prophet Vanga appears to have predicted Crimea’s split from Ukraine.  Her most prescient quatrain, from 1987, reads, “A land… a certain kind of land, inhabited by people… will change.”

Jerry, it remains inappropriate to repeatedly tell our female employees to “lean in.”
 
Video has emerged of Justin Bieber repeatedly using the N-word.  The video, taken five years ago when the singer was only 14, proves once again that we have only ourselves to blame.
 
General Motors has apologized for sending recall notices to the families of victims of recall-related accidents.  Not because of the sentiment, but because they were printed on what one company spokesman called “substandard paper.”
 
Betting is officially open on June’s Employee of the Month race!  Stop by the seventh floor OTB and lay your money down.  Current favorite: Jared from IT at 5:1.
 
A Missouri woman has been charged with felony theft after raising thousands of dollars from donors who thought she had terminal cancer.  “I should’ve known,” said deceived donor Amanda Shillingsworth, 24.  “Real cancer patients just deal meth.”

A Florida man has declared himself a sovereign state in order to avoid sending his 8 year-old daughter to school.  As his total assets amount to over $15, he is expected to become a full member of the European Union within the month.

I just want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your exceptional ability to derive inspiration from these incredible memos.
 
-The Chairman

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