Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/27/14

Happy Thanksgiving!  Can I borrow someone’s buckled shoes?

A Montana branch of the Klu Klux Klan has begun accepting new members regardless of race, religion or sexuality.  “We want to encourage everybody to join,” said chapter leader John Abarr of Great Falls, “provided he or she has killed at least one black person.”

In related news, a grand jury in Ferguson, MO has decided not to indict Darren Wilson, the white police officer who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Michael Brown in August.  “There’s simply not enough evidence to indict him,” the grand jury’s decision read, “plus, we’d like an excuse to loot some jewelry stores.”

Two thumbs way up for Anna from marketing!  This past Saturday, she was finally able to commune with the ghost of Roger Ebert.  Turns out Grown Ups 2 wasn’t bad, just misunderstood.  Glad we cleared that up!

Political strategist and entertainer Ben Stein recently called Barack Obama “the most racist president we’ve had.”  When asked about the comment, the President responded, “Huh.  Who wants to see season one of  ‘Take Ben Stein’s Money’”?

A Washington-based megachurch has closed some of its branches after its founder called women “penis homes.”  “I meant that women are incredible beings endowed by God with myriad holy responsibilities,” clarified founder Mark Driscoll in a recent interview.  “They are also phallus shelters, semen condominiums, and sperm wigwams.”

A new study indicates that psilocybin mushrooms may help smokers quit smoking.  And start doing battle with the thousands of tiny cockroaches covering their bodies and those of their loved ones.

Jerry, please refrain from referring to your fantasy football season as the Trail of Tears.

Divers have found the remnants of an ancient civilization off the coast of the Greek island of Delos.  The Greek government is reportedly “very excited” to have found an example of a civilization in the region that once had money.

The new name for Kraft Foods Inc. sounds like a Russian term for oral sex.  “To be fair,” wrote Kraft CEO W. Anthony Vernon in a statement, “what doesn’t?”

Don’t forget to check out the company’s Thanksgiving pageant, Plymouth Rocks!, featuring the Greater Halifax Gay Children’s Choir, tonight at 6 PM in conference room B.  It’s “Purentertainment!”

A new study suggests that texting puts 60 pounds of stress on a person’s neck.  If the text is from a mother-in-law, it can be up to 120 pounds.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has reportedly turned to drinking “snake wine,” wine mixed with the rotting body and venom of a dead snake, to treat his sexual dysfunction.  The glorious leader’s wife has said she has “definitely noticed a change” and, “if I don’t say that, they’ll kill me.”

The pilgrims died for our sins.  Gobble gobble!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/3/13

OK, my dearest brothers and sisters in labor, I have heard your cries.  You do not want any more introductions to these old memos, you just want the memos themselves.  The post dates will not line up with the memo dates (at least for a while) but SO BE IT.  HERE’S ANOTHER OLD MEMO:

Good evening.  I’ve received some complaints about the theme of the Thanksgiving party.  Some people have called it “racially charged” and “insensitive.”  I call those people “losers.”  Also, to those who would characterize my behavior as “harassment,” I say, “Loosen up, Susan.”  Onto the business!

Two Saudi Arabian women have been arrested for driving in the country’s capital.  One angry cleric denounced the act by saying, “According to the Qur’an, written 1500 years ago, women are strictly forbidden to drive cars.”

In an effort to compete with other, more “American” chain restaurants, the Olive Garden has added a hamburger to its menu.  The burger will be topped with mozzarella, arugula, and a tiny but feisty Sicilian matriarch shouting, “Mangia, mangia!”

The annual Kardashian Khristmas kard is out, and boy, is that family the fucking worst.

Jerry, ink and toner are NOT the same thing.

Elwood, the world’s ugliest dog, has died.  As is the case with all dogs, he will go to heaven, where he will be ostracized for all eternity.

In an effort to win back his estranged wife, a Minnesota man threw 1,000 one-dollar bills onto unsuspecting shoppers at the Mall of America.  When asked about the stunt, his wife replied, “This is why I left him.”

Hawaii has become the 15th state to legalize gay marriage.  A LOTTA PEOPLE GETTING LEI’D TONIGHT, AM I RIGHT AMERICA???  Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out.

The Republican National Committee is under fire for tweeting that Rosa Parks helped to “end racism.”  The tweet read, in part, “Today, we remember Miss Parks’ courageous and honorable decision to sit when offered a prime bus seat by a progressive and compassionate white man.”

English Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced that he is in a relationship with a man.  Lest anyone think he might be a homosexual, he casually added, “Of course I still fancy girls.”  This has been “Great Moments in British Repression.”

Thank you to George in Accounting and Margery in HR for attending the recent professional development workshop with the Alvin Ailey Dance Company!  The rest of you really missed out.  I have never felt so hip!

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire had the best Thanksgiving weekend ever at the box office, taking in $110.2 million over five days.  Analysts say the success was driven by parents who dream of a world in which teenagers kill each other for sport.

The United Nations has implicated Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in war crimes committed during the country’s ongoing civil war.  When informed of the charges, al-Assad exclaimed, “Who, me?  But I’m just a lovable chimney sweep!” before adorably tap-dancing away.

Amazon is experimenting with using unmanned drones to deliver goods to shoppers as soon as 30 minutes after online purchases.  The pilot program, started in Iraq several years ago, has been a resounding success.

A team of researchers has discovered a new sex organ in koalas’ throats.  Scientists hope this will finally end the longstanding debate over which animal gives the best blowjobs.

A leading geneticist from the University of Georgia is advancing the shocking claim that human beings evolved after a female chimpanzee mated with a male pig.  The University of Georgia is primarily known for its football team.

Ukraine’s Prime Minister believes his country is in the midst of a coup.  His therapist believes this is just another insidious manifestation of a poor self-image.

Later this week, Canada is expected to lay claim to a vast region of Arctic seafloor, presumably for hockey.

Our computers are now Y2K compliant!

Pope Francis has reportedly been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to give alms to the poor.  A surprised Jesus said, “If my dad finds out, he is SO grounded.”

Icelandic police have shot and killed a man for the first time in the country’s history.  To be fair, the guy wouldn’t stop talking about Greenland.

Japan’s infamous yakuza mobsters are increasingly turning to financial pursuits, leading some to dub them “Goldman Sachs with guns.”  Goldman Sachs, coincidentally, is often referred to in America as “yakuza without morals.”

I apologize for the lateness of this memo.  I had food poisoning yesterday, which I’m assuming was retaliation for eating everyone else’s food out of the office refrigerator.  Lesson learned.  Keep up the good work!

-The Chairman

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