My Fellow Gerrymanderers,
I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…
Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died. He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.
Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery. To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.
Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech! I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!
In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.” The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!
Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon. Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.
Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.
LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.” She later added, “And also at golf.”
Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91. “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement. “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”
BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters! I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!
The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama. “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”
Let’s make that a thing.