Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/14/19

Hello Summertime Sadlets,

I, The Chairman, am BACK after a much-needed 2-week vacation. After all, writing the memo isn’t all I do for this company- I also schedule it, send it out, admonish you for not reading it, and, of course, PROFIT.

I had a lot on my mind during my little “summer” “break”: unnecessary protests in Hong Kong, unnecessary deaths in America, unnecessary remakes of Home Alone… but what consumed my consciousness more than anything else was Dustin Diamond. Yeah, Screech. Does he still work here? I hired him a while back to do some sexual harassment training videos for our Thailand office and I heard he was still hanging around? Are we paying him or what? Don’t get me wrong, I like a celebrity boxer as much as the next guy, but if we can no longer write off his per diems as a compliance expense he’s gotta go.

Dustin, if you’re reading this, thank you for your service. Now GTFO.

BUSINESS.

An asteroid large enough to destroy a city came within 44,000 miles of Earth last month. NASA has released a statement promising they will redirect the next one to Washington, DC.

A new study links anticholinergics, a widely-used class of drugs, to a much higher risk of dementia. The study’s publishers have admitted their findings may be unreliable, as many subjects kept forgetting to take their pills.

Anna from Maintenance, I had no idea you were a Juggalo! Wasn’t that sex tent great?

A jury has ruled that singer Katy Perry’s 2013 hit “Dark Horse” copied parts of a 2009 Christian rap song called “Joyful Noise.” The jury ruled that the former song’s lyrics were eerily similar to the original, “So you wanna play with Jesus, boy you should know what you’re fighting for, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jeeesssssuuuus, Jesus you’re a dark horse.”
 
An Iranian cargo ship sank off the Azerbaijani coast late last month. The vessel was reportedly carrying a shipment of tiles that the Iranian government has called “weapons-grade.”

Jerry, we all know you do CrossFit.

A proposed merger between T-Mobile and Sprint has been given the go-ahead by the United States Justice Department. Should the deal finally be consummated, it would mark the first successful connection for either company.

Singer Wayne Newton is being sued after a monkey bit a girl who was visiting his Las Vegas home in 2017. Newton is said to be “surprised and grateful” that the suit was not related to sexual assault.

Have you ever dreamed of owning your own home? Well, now you can with our company-sponsored friends and family mortgages! They have a low introductory rate of .0001% APR for the first year, and only 50% every year thereafter! Inquire with HR today!

Amsterdam is planning to ban all fossil fuel-powered cars from the city by 2030. “There’s really no need for them,” Mayor Femke Halsema said on Tuesday, “you can go just as fast cycling on mushrooms.”

Kim Kardashian has trademarked the name “Kimono” for her new shapewear line. The act has angered many of her Japanese fans, who wish she would make another sex tape where she fucks an octopus.

UPDATE: If you do come into contact with Dustin at any point, exercise extreme caution. He may be armed.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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