Ladies and Gentlemen,
I was not amused by the amount of celebration surrounding my recent April Fools’ joke. I would like to think my death would have been met with sincere mourning and solemn tribute. In the event of my actual death, please consider exhibiting a little more respect. Thank you. Now, as I am a living, breathing human being with feelings, I will now proceed with the business.
Two Spanish historians claim to have found the Holy Grail. Much to the chagrin of their neighbors, however, they still have not found Jesus.
New York Mets fans booed recently elected Mayor Bill De Blasio Monday when he threw out the first pitch at the team’s opener. “I knew it,” said De Blasio, “I shouldn’t have worn the Mets jersey.”
Russian troops have massed on the country’s border with Ukraine, and could invade within 12 hours of being given an order. The invasion could be delayed further, however, if a lot of people happen to be using Russia’s DSL.
What’s that smell? It’s Anna from marketing, who has gone vegan! Please be supportive.
The Supreme Court has struck down limits on how much individuals can donate to political candidates. “This is an historic day,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “it ensures that the American political system will continue to benefit the wealthy on both sides for years to come.”
According to court documents, the faulty ignition switches that killed 13 people and sparked a massive recall of GM vehicles cost a mere 90 cents apiece. Get it? Sparked? Oh God, Cheryl, your son was one of those killed? I’m sorry for your loss. I had no idea. I will retract my statement immediately. I am deeply, deeply sorry. Also, I will be giving you a raise. Effective immediately. Please do not sue me, or the company, we can work this out. Cheryl? Cheryl, where are you going? Cheryl? Don’t do this, Cheryl… I said I was sorry!
No, Jerry, I still don’t see the Virgin Mary in your waffle fry.
A Long Island high school student has been accepted into all eight Ivy League colleges. “I would like to thank my parents,” said 17-year-old Kwasi Enin, “my teachers, and, most importantly, my race.”
Celebrity couple Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who “consciously uncoupled” last week, reportedly had an open relationship. Paltrow ended the marriage for good after finding out about her husband’s longstanding affair with his mistress, “Music.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife, Lyudmila, has been finalized. “I will kill her, yes,” said a “devastated” Putin in a statement. “Hopefully soon.”
I would like to apologize for my earlier insensitive comments regarding the recent GM recall. I would like to “recall” them, if you will. WAIT, CHERYL, COME BACK.
An 8.2-magnitude earthquake hit Chile Tuesday, precipitating a massive escape from a women’s prison. The earthquake is widely believed to be a publicity stunt for the upcoming season of “Naranja Es El Nuevo Negro,” premiering this Sábado on ¡El Netflix!.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has approved the country’s first minimum wage, set at €8.50 an hour. The move has sparked outrage from fellow EU member Greece, which, according to President Karolos Papoulias, “would kill for that kind of dough.”
It’s baseball season, kiddos… get out there and take some steroids!