Internal Memo for Sunday, 4/16/17

Good Afternoon,

After not receiving anything this past Wednesday, I’ll bet you thought the memo was dead.

And that’s what they thought about Jesus, too!  But hallelujah- it’s an EASTER MEMO.  Now which one of you betrayed me?  Business!

Earlier this week, the United States military deployed its largest non-nuclear weapon, nicknamed the Mother of All Bombs, in Afghanistan.  Reportedly, Ann Coulter’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe caused widespread damage.

Scientists claim to have discovered the genetic anomaly that makes some people more nocturnal.  Experts have said the mutation, dubbed “Skinemax,” only affects adolescent boys aged 12-16.

Anna from Sales, you are making money hand over fist!  Not sure why you have to sell each of those as an individual prosthesis, but I’m not a doctor.

Kicker Becca Longo will attend Division-II Adams State University in the fall, making her the first woman ever to earn a college football scholarship.  Longo’s scholarship is expected to be worth about 80% of a typical man’s.

The Trump White House has announced that it will not be making its visitor logs public.  Press Secretary Sean Spicer contends the logs don’t matter, as Trump is never there.

Jerry, Easter is not also known as “the night they drove old Dixie down.”

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts in France ahead of the country’s upcoming presidential election.  The company took action after it discovered that there was no one in France named “Pierre Trump.”

According to reports, patrons’ actions at Disney’s new Star Wars theme park will have consequences, making it different than the series’ three prequels.

On this day of Jesus’ ascent, let us remember this company’s ascent… to the top of the pop charts!  Please welcome the first addition to our newly formed talent acquisition department, singer Rebecca Black!  GOTTA get down on Friday.

Former NFL quarterback (and noted Christian) Tim Tebow, now playing baseball for a New York Mets affiliate in South Carolina, hit a home run in his first at bat of the season.  The event proved once and for all that God has misplaced priorities.

Members of the Trump administration have hinted that foreign visitors to the US may soon be asked for their social media contacts and passwords as part of “extreme vetting” measures.  “We have thoroughly vetted this vetting,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a recent briefing.  “Everybody knows that social media presence is by far the most accurate and unbiased reflection of who someone is as a person.”

The White House has an Easter Egg Roll, but I’m having Easter egg rolls!  Thanks, Chinese trading partners!  I never thought  you were manipulating currency…

-The Chairman

PS- As some of you may know, I’m taking an extended hiatus to – ahem – take care of some issues on the Korean Peninsula… I may or may not be sending dispatches from the road.  In the meantime, please direct any inquiries to Recep Tayyip Erdogan, new Supreme Dictator of our great ally Turkey!

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 7/26/16

Too hot for a memo last week… far too hot.  This week, however…

still way too hot.  Nonetheless: business!

Divergent star Shailene Woodley traveled across country in advance of the Democratic National Convention to canvass for Bernie Sanders.  Woodley, who says she routinely eats clay, is our most predictable actress.

Newly revealed records indicate unpresidential candidate Donald Trump once used money donated to his charity to buy himself a football helmet signed by Tim Tebow.  The purchase ranks as the third-best investment of Trump’s life.

Congratulations to Anna from Legal on taking her latest case all the way to the Supreme Court!  Raccoons ARE people too!!

A new study indicates that people take fewer sick days in states that allow medical marijuana.  The same study shows that work-related accidents in those states are much more frequent.

In further “weed” news, officials in Hugo, Colorado, have determined that the small town’s water supply does not contain THC, as was previously thought.  Thus, in one fell swoop, several disgraced citizens lost their excuse for enjoying The Secret Life of Pets.

Jerry, Philadelphia is not “the poor man’s Cleveland.”

Last week, potato chip giant Lays released four limited-time only flavors, including “Indian Tikka Masala” and “Brazilian Picanha.”  In the wake of the recent leak of Democratic National Committee emails, the company announced a fifth flavor: “Russian Salt.”

Despite myriad other issues facing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has chosen to release a set of new rules aimed at contemplative nuns, those that live in cloistered monasteries and have no contact with the outside world.  Among the important new regulations are “pee less,” “pray harder,” and “stop thinking about sex.”

I just spent a lot of money on this foosball table- you fuckers better use it.

A rare, smelly “corpse flower” is preparing to bloom at the New York Botanical Gardens.  You can watch it live here.

Following a seven-month investigation, the NFL has determined recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning did not take human growth hormone.  Despite the favorable result, Manning has decided to appeal the ruling, saying in a statement, “Anything Tom can do, I can do better.”

I just paid a dog to pee on me.

-The Chairman

PS- Know anybody who’s not on this list?  Invite them to join immediately… or else: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj

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