Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 7/4/14

Happy Friday!  What’s a “holiday”?
 
Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of the popular dating app “Tinder,” has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company.  “In three years of working there,” Wolfe told reporters, “not one employee swiped me forward.”

Al Qaeda splinter group ISIL has declared an Islamic Caliphate in the Middle East, eliciting several groans from Ms. Peabody’s eighth grade government class.

Welcome back, Anna from HR!  We all knew you were innocent.

Louis Zamperini, World War II hero and subject of the book “Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption,” died Wednesday at the age of 97.  Or at least that’s what the Nazis think.

A Delta Airlines supervisor stands accused of defrauding the company of $22 million.  If found guilty, he will be forced to fly Delta the rest of his life.

Jerry, Betsy Ross died in 1836.

Sunday’s Pride March in Toronto ended with a natural rainbow appearing in the sky, proving once again that Canadian gays are the luckiest people on Earth.

Facebook is in hot water over its involvement in an experiment designed to manipulate people’s emotional states.  The experiment, called “Facebook,” is believed to still be occurring.
 
Celebrate America today with James from marketing!  Please… his wife left him.

Gary Oldman has apologized for making anti-Semitic remarks in a recent Playboy interview.  “I am deeply sorry,” Oldman said in a statement, “for those of you who read Playboy for the interviews.”

Hurricane Arthur briefly made landfall in North Carolina today, but was quickly blown northwards by millions of residents taking their shirts off and twisting them ‘round their heads, spinning them like helicopters.

George Washington was a racist!

-The Chairman

PS- Thanks, Jon from digital, for this HILARIOUS video!

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