Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/24/19

Members of the House Judiciary Committee,

It is I, Roberto Muellero! Yo soy Robert Mueller’s evil twin, sent here to deceive you with unsatisfying answers to your carefully thought out questions! I am evil because I am IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY. And you will never catch me, not until I get FREE HEALTHCARE. Oh, and I have 12-15 ANCHOR BABIES. Es perfecto!

Buisenesso!

An Iowa state official was forced to resign last week after emailing Tupac quotes to his colleagues. The man’s colleagues are white.

The Pentagon accidentally revealed that it has been conducting a secret mission in and around Washington, D.C. In acknowledging the mission’s existence, the Department of Defense said it had already fulfilled its primary objective of wasting millions of taxpayer dollars.

Anna from HR, thank you for curating our outdoor summer film series! Debbie Does Dallas was QUITE the opener.

Mike Pence’s daughter Charlotte is engaged. The vice president is said to be “relieved” that her fiancé’s conversion therapy worked.

Great Britain says three Iranian ships tried to block a British oil tanker as it navigated the Straits of Hormuz last month. Iran has vehemently denied the report, saying all of its ships have been in port being fitted with nuclear weapons.

Jerry, you did not color correct Alita: Battle Angel.

The United States government has fined Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations. The company responded by recommending several other entities for the government to fine, making a short video montage commemorating the decision, and determining FTC Commissioner Rohit Chopra is a Slytherin.

France is instituting an 18€ tax on plane flights emanating from the country and plans to use the proceeds to fund green transportation initiatives. Many of the country’s citizens are worried about the levy’s effect on tourism, in that it may not do enough to prevent it. 

I’d like to take a moment to recognize our Tokyo office. Is that… no, it can’t be. Is it? Wait a second… yup, that’s it!

A chess grandmaster has admitted to cheating by using his phone in the toilet during a recent match. “I never could have anticipated that I would be caught,” 58-year-old Igors Rausis said after the incident, “but then I remembered everyone who plays chess at this level is a pervert.”

Legendary computer scientist Alan Turing will soon appear on the British 50 pound note. The Bank of England is encouraging people to use the bill for everything except government-mandated sterilization of gay people.

Ha, you fools! It was I, Robert Mueller, all along! I have no evil twin (unless you count Ken Starr), just an unwavering desire to be seen as above the political fray, even if it undermines the credibility of myself and my team! And I will be victorious! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR.






These preguntas are loco.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

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