Internal Memo for Tuesday, 7/26/16

Too hot for a memo last week… far too hot.  This week, however…

still way too hot.  Nonetheless: business!

Divergent star Shailene Woodley traveled across country in advance of the Democratic National Convention to canvass for Bernie Sanders.  Woodley, who says she routinely eats clay, is our most predictable actress.

Newly revealed records indicate unpresidential candidate Donald Trump once used money donated to his charity to buy himself a football helmet signed by Tim Tebow.  The purchase ranks as the third-best investment of Trump’s life.

Congratulations to Anna from Legal on taking her latest case all the way to the Supreme Court!  Raccoons ARE people too!!

A new study indicates that people take fewer sick days in states that allow medical marijuana.  The same study shows that work-related accidents in those states are much more frequent.

In further “weed” news, officials in Hugo, Colorado, have determined that the small town’s water supply does not contain THC, as was previously thought.  Thus, in one fell swoop, several disgraced citizens lost their excuse for enjoying The Secret Life of Pets.

Jerry, Philadelphia is not “the poor man’s Cleveland.”

Last week, potato chip giant Lays released four limited-time only flavors, including “Indian Tikka Masala” and “Brazilian Picanha.”  In the wake of the recent leak of Democratic National Committee emails, the company announced a fifth flavor: “Russian Salt.”

Despite myriad other issues facing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has chosen to release a set of new rules aimed at contemplative nuns, those that live in cloistered monasteries and have no contact with the outside world.  Among the important new regulations are “pee less,” “pray harder,” and “stop thinking about sex.”

I just spent a lot of money on this foosball table- you fuckers better use it.

A rare, smelly “corpse flower” is preparing to bloom at the New York Botanical Gardens.  You can watch it live here.

Following a seven-month investigation, the NFL has determined recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning did not take human growth hormone.  Despite the favorable result, Manning has decided to appeal the ruling, saying in a statement, “Anything Tom can do, I can do better.”

I just paid a dog to pee on me.

-The Chairman

PS- Know anybody who’s not on this list?  Invite them to join immediately… or else: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 5/21/16

You know what they say: Any given Sunday… there might be a memo!  Man, there were a lotta dicks in that movie.  What’s Oliver Stone’s deal?  BUSINESS!

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a 24-carat gold dildo on Goop for $15,000.  According to Paltrow, the item is “gently used, which is how I felt when Chris left.”

An octopus at New Zealand’s National Aquarium recently crawled out of its tank and escaped down a drainpipe into the ocean.  “I’d like to apologize to all our wonderful patrons,” aquarium director Gary Brooke said in a statement, “and assure everyone that’ll be the last time we screen The Shawshank Redemption for the animals.”

Oh my god!  Oh my god!  Oh my GOD!  Anna from HR… YOUR NAME IS A PALINDROME.

A ride at Universal’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park has become notorious for making riders sick.  The ride is a virtual reality simulation of a ten-minute cosplay with “hardcore” Harry Potter fan Natalie Ziff, who is “definitely a Hufflepuff.”

Texas voters have approved a plan for a new $628 million high school football stadium.  The 12,000-seat venue will have multiple uses, hosting not only football games but conventions, fairs, and public executions.

Jerry, please stop referring to Lolita as an “instruction manual.”

Unconvicted murderer George Zimmerman is auctioning off the firearm he used to kill unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin.  “That’s funny, right?” God Almighty said when asked about the news.  “I mean, I haven’t been down there in a while.”

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s new cookbook costs a reported $200, presumably to reflect the rising costs of child support.

Oops, almost forgot to give you an update- A LOT of you guys tied for third in this year’s March Madness pool!  Like, almost half the company!  Best of luck in your future endeavors!

A new report from Oxfam America has revealed that workers at some of the United States’ biggest poultry processing facilities have been denied bathroom breaks to the point where some have to wear diapers.  Oxfam has since called the findings “by far the least disgusting thing about the US poultry industry.”

Despite not being old enough to use the app, a Finnish ten-year-old named Jani won $10,000 for finding a bug in Instagram’s code.  When asked what he would purchase with the money, he replied, “Two-thirds of a golden dildo.”

For real though, calling your made-up team the “Miami Sharks”?  And your made up league the “Associated Football Franchises of America”?  And depicting a female president of a professional football team?  Ludicrous.  Ollie, you’re better than that.  I want my $5 back, or whatever a movie cost back then.  And don’t even get me STARTED on Dennis Quaid…

-The Chairman

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