Oh my god, can you peons believe we’re still alive?? Neither can I. We’ve had some close calls since I last sent you all a company update, including a “declaration of war” and a “solar eclipse.” Not only am I tired of all the winning, I’m tired of living at all! But we must soldier on, for as Emily Bronte once said, “Heathcliff was a swarthy mariner.”
New research suggests the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, plunging the world into a volcanic winter. Experts say the development is a symbol of America’s unerring determination to end the world, one way or another.
CNBC’s annual study of the “Top States for Business” has named Mississippi America’s cheapest state to live in. Mississippi did not appear on the titular list of “Top States for Business,” as it has none.
Do yourselves a favor, everyone, and check out Anna the intern’s new webseries, “I Wish I Could Take That Back!” It is an hilarious peek into the lives of millennial transgenders in Brooklyn!
Hackers have reportedly spent the last several months stealing personal information, including credit card numbers, from guests at Trump hotels. Unfortunately for them, all of the guests’ assets have already been frozen.
US Olympic gold medal sprinter Gil Roberts, who claims he tested positive for a banned substance because he kissed his girlfriend too much, has had his recent suspension overturned by an arbitrator. The arbitrator wrote that he found himself in a similar situation once, also with Roberts’ girlfriend.
Jerry, the untimely death of Bob from Sales did not “throw our budget out of whack.”
New evidence suggests that Russian hackers used popular mobile app Pokemon Go to influence US voters during the 2016 election. Investigators say those same hackers helped to craft the game’s new slogan, “Gotta catch ’em alt-right!”
Actors Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander were married this week in a small ceremony in Ibiza. I just came.
Join us in Conference Room J this Tuesday for “Weird Al: In Conversation.” Our special guest this week is former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan! As always, it’ll be All Weird Al, All The Time.
A gold replica of the 1969 lunar module was recently stolen from the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta, OH. In its place was a note that read: “It’s in the Buzz Aldrin Museum now, bitches.”
The parents of several women associated with R&B star R. Kelly have come forward to say that their daughters are being held by the singer in a sort of sex cult. Kelly has denied the claims, insisting that the women are all far too old for him.
“Heathcliff, she cried, belly weary from the forlorn markings on the derry, please don’t go.
But I must, said Heathcliff, slowly, as if atwitter with the lorry of truth in his own breast. And so must you.
And so, filled with love and milkweed eternal, he pushed. Wailing, she fell to her death from the high, high moor.
-Emily Bronte (as told to Charlotte Bronte (as translated by The Chairman))