Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19

Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why

BUSINESS.

The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.

Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.

Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was 👌

A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.

Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.

Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.

Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”

Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”

Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.

Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.

A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.

FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.

We’re just 12 hours behind.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 6/3/14

Good Evening,

Holy CRAP.  The first back-to-back memos in HISTORY.  When I founded this company 150-someodd years ago, I never thought I’d see the day when… excuse me, I’m just… no, no, it’s nothing… it’s just… something in my eye… ohhhh… I’d better get on with the business…
 
A German museum is displaying a live replica of Vincent Van Gogh’s ear.  The ear is part of a uniquely German exhibition called “This Could Be Kinky.”
 
The US federal government recently seized over $138,000 in cash at a Minnesota airport because the money smelled like marijuana.  In related news, Colorado has preemptively filed for bankruptcy.

112 and still kicking- literally!  Happy Birthday to Anna from maintenance, who celebrated by scoring the winning goal in our corporate soccer league championship!  See you at the World Cup!
 
Nic Pizzolatto, creator of the hit HBO series True Detective, has announced that the show’s second season will feature three new leads and a California setting.  It is tentatively titled Two Guys, a Girl, and a Taco Place.

Under Obamacare, prostitutes at Nevada’s legal brothels are now entitled to group health insurance.  However, it costs extra.

Jerry, I’m pretty sure those are not the words to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Ann B. Davis, most famous for playing housekeeper Alice on The Brady Bunch, has died.  And still, all anyone wants to talk about is Marcia.

Scientists have discovered a so-called “mega-Earth,” a planet with 17 times the mass of ours.  “Yes, it is bloated, distant, and inhospitable,” said astronomer Jans Bjornson, “but enough about Kanye West.”

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak caused a stir on Twitter recently when he called global warming alarmists “unpatriotic racists.”  In a subsequent poll of Wheel of Fortune fans, 11% agreed with Sajak, 4% disagreed, and 85% said, “What’s Twitter?”

As part of our recent naming rights deal, the sixth floor conference room will henceforth be known as the Nabisco Ritz Fresh Stacks Everything Crackers conference room.  Please plan accordingly.

Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o has been cast in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII.  “After those last three films,” said Star Wars creator George Lucas after the announcement, “I decided to try real actors.”

The “Godfather of Ecstasy,” Dr. Alexander Shulgin, has died.  His widow, Ann, has released a statement reading, “In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to raving your goddamn face off.”

This is the most regular I’ve been in years!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/14

Good evening, True Detectives.  Who is the Yellow King?

Jason Collins made his season debut with the Brooklyn Nets on Sunday, becoming the first openly gay player in NBA history.  “Good for him,” said former Nets owner Sean Carter, AKA Jay-Z, “Big day for faggots.”

Whole Foods Market is negotiating a deal to “coexist” with infamous purveyor of genetically engineered crops, Monsanto.  As part of the agreement, Monsanto is free to plant all of the soybeans it wants in Czechoslovakia.

A California couple found $10 million in buried treasure while walking their dog last year.  According to California law, the couple must pay 2/3rds of the money in taxes, and the rest to their dog.

Anna’s gone viral!  Anna from legal, that is- she’s contracted a rare strain of bird flu so we’ve quarantined her on the fifth floor.  Steer clear!

“Ghostbusters” star and “Animal House” writer Harold Ramis has died at 69.  He would’ve wanted it this way.

New York Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long said the team had to beg recently departed second baseman Robinson Cano to hustle.  This story is over a week old, but Cano delivered it to me himself.

First Lady Michelle Obama is under fire for wearing a $12,000 dress to a recent White House dinner.  “$12,000?” said political commentator Catherine Riviera, “that’s almost 12 minutes of taxpayer funded campaign advertising!”

Jerry, the cafeteria is not the place for “casual encounters.”

An eighth-grade quarterback has committed to LSU.  “It’s always been a dream of mine to play at LSU,” said Zadock Dinkelmann, 14, “plus it’s the only school whose name I could spell.”

A federal judge in San Antonio has struck down a Texas law banning same-sex marriage.  “I think it’s the right decision,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, “all Texans should be allowed to get married, same as all Texans should be allowed to kill judges.”

San Diego State running back Adam Muema said God told him to leave the NFL scouting combine early, possibly impacting his draft stock.  “Yup, you heard right,” said God, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, “I chose the guy from San Diego State.”

And the winner of our Olympic pool is… drumroll please… Sam Schneiderman in accounts payable!  He correctly predicted that bear would shed just one tear during the closing ceremonies.  Enjoy your trip to Pennsylvania Dutch Country!

“Avatar” star Sam Worthington was arrested Sunday in New York for allegedly punching a photographer.  “Sorry,” Worthington said in a statement, “I’m Australian.”

General Motors is recalling 1.37 million vehicles due to a dangerous ignition problem that has killed 13 people.  For those keeping score at home, that’s one death for every $777 million in federal bailout money given to the company.

Former heavyweight boxing champion Vitali Klitschko is expected to run for president of Ukraine this May.  When asked about his plans for the country, Klitschko simply replied, “Pain.”
 
Do you ever feel like the moon is both waxing and waning?  No?  Just me?  GET BACK TO WORK.
 
-The Chairman

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