Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/1/19

Happy International Labor Day, laborers! Periodic reminder: This is a “right to work” business, meaning you are right to work and wrong not to! If you strike today (or any other day, for that matter), there is a clause in your contract that entitles me to half of everything you own! We’re basically married, and infidelity, as any Real Housewife will tell you, can be veeeeeeeery costly…

Business!

Joe Biden has officially announced his candidacy for president. The move has been hailed as “visionary” by Joe Biden.

Both of the top seeds in this year’s NHL playoffs, the Calgary Flames and the Tampa Bay Lightning, lost in the first round. The results came as a shock to many who thought the NHL was defunct.

Anna from Development, who’d’ve thought you’d be the Helen of Troy of Venezuela?

In further Anna news, Anna Sorokin, a.k.a. Anna Delvey, has been found guilty of second-degree grand larceny after posing as an heiress and scamming various friends and financial entities out of $275,000. Sorokin has asked for a delayed sentence so that she can at least meet the scamming threshold to someday become president.

According to a recent study, sleep deprivation can lead to smaller testicle size. In related news, researchers believe they’ve finally discovered why bears hibernate.

Jerry, you are not the new emperor of Japan.

3M is cutting 2,000 jobs worldwide. The company cited the uncertain future of Scotch tape post-Brexit.

Donald Trump has proposed instituting a fee for seeking asylum in the United States. Payment can be made by check or via Deutsche Bank Quickpay.

Starting today, our new healthcare provider is Costa Rica! Our relationship with Aetna has ended, so going forward please visit Trevor in Basement Suite D to book any necessary (or voluntary!) medical travel.

A measles outbreak has led to quarantines on the campuses of both UCLA and California State University, Los Angeles. The virus had plans to get into USC as well before it was revealed never to have actually played soccer.

Indonesia will reportedly move its capital from Jakarta because the city is slowly sinking. American conservatives have called the report another example of the left spreading egregious lies about climate change by making up a city called “Jakarta.”

… I think we should start seeing other people.

Cheaper people. In other countries. With less regulation and more lenient tax structures.

I’m just tired of supporting you financially.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/8/17

Happy Day-After-Election-Day!  Or, as I like to call it, The Purge.  LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

Two complete strangers have been arrested for performing a sex act on a Delta flight to Detroit, proving once again that nothing turns people on like Detroit.

Billionaire investor and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thinks that creative thinking will be the most in-demand job skill in 10 years.  “By then, we’ll have had two terms of Trump,” Cuban told the audience at a recent conference.  “Many of our most creative thinkers will have died in the gulags.”

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on your new position as city comptroller!  Those targeted Facebook ads really worked- especially the one with you and Mary Magdalene in a thumb war!

After actor Anthony Rapp came forward last month to accuse Kevin Spacey of making a sexual advance on him when he was only 14, several more men have accused Spacey of inappropriate sexual conduct.  Spacey, however, says it couldn’t have been him, because he walks with a limp.

In related news, comedian Andy Dick has been fired from his latest film for sexual harassment.  The surprising move comes mere weeks after Dick was hired for sexual harassment.

Jerry, you were not… wait, you were elected governor of New Jersey?

Three UCLA men’s basketball players have been arrested in China on suspicion of stealing in advance of their season-opening game in Shanghai.  Chinese authorities have also accused the players of traveling, shooting, and charging.

In a recent interview, Kim Cattrall told Piers Morgan that she and her Sex and the City co-stars “have never been friends,” making her such a Miranda.

Speaking of elections, run for office council!  It’s a thing I just came up with to boost morale without substantive change!

A pop-up café in Australia is hiring a professional avocado taste tester.  Buzzfeed has rated the position number 3 on its list of “Best Jobs for Millennials”, behind only craft beer cicerone and none.

Walmart has apologized after a third-party listing on its website used a racial slur in the name of a product.  “We would also like to apologize for any harm we may have caused,” Ritz spokesman Daniel Abernathy said.  “From now on, they’re ‘biscuits.’”

Say it with me: ONE DOLLAR, ONE VOTE.

-The Chairman

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