Internal Memo for Friday, 4/22/16

Wow, what a day!  I’m soooooooooooooooooo “high.”  Business!

New York magazine alleges that professional buffoon Donald Trump has an “arsenal” of secrets about Fox News chairman Roger Ailes with which he could blackmail the network head.  According to the magazine, Trump is one of the few people to have visited Ailes at his home office: Hell.

Personal care giant Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $72 million as part of a lawsuit linking its baby powder to ovarian cancer.  As part of the settlement, the company will also change its slogan from “No More Tears” to “Lots More Tumors.”

Anna, that is one fat “spliff!”  And your butt’s not bad, either!

A 3-year-old Chinese boy was rescued recently after he fell down a 295-foot well.  The dog who rescued him, known as the “Chinese Lassie,” was subsequently eaten as part of the Yulin dog-meat festival, the world’s foremost birthplace of pernicious stereotypes.

A Russian billionaire is attempting to achieve immortality by uploading his brain to a computer.  “With this procedure,” businessman Dmitry Itskov said in a statement, “I will finally be able to see the day when Russia will again be a major player on the world stage.”

Jerry, stop being such a “narc!”

Hilary Clinton’s campaign chairman hinted at a government cover up of UFOs in a recent interview with CNN.  “I looked into it after Bernie won Michigan,” John Podesta told “The Lead.”  “I thought ‘who’s believes this shit?’  Low and behold: aliens.”

Two actors’ necks were slit during the opening night performance of Sweeney Todd at a New Zealand high school.  It was the school’s worst accident since last fall, when two actors contracted AIDS during the opening night of Rent.

Whoa, like… is the floor moving?  Charles?  Jackie?  Prudence Hopefeather?  I’m “freakin out” “dudes!”

During a surprise appearance at Comic Con, director James Cameron announced plans for four Avatar sequels.  “Don’t worry,” Cameron told the stunned audience, “there’s nowhere to go but up!  Four times!”

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer garnered praise recently when he saved a young girl from being trampled after a Justin Bieber concert.  When asked why he was at the concert in the first place, Hosmer replied, “I knew I shouldn’t have saved her.”

Wait what?

When was it?

Really?

Then what’s that smell?

-The Chairman

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