Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/29/19

Happy Memorial Day, ungrateful millennials! How did you celebrate? I marked the occasion by spitting on the graves of several prominent veterans, then exhuming the body of another and defecating in its mouth.

Business!

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper, made with the meat-free Impossible Burger, will be available nationwide by the end of this year. It is expected to compete directly with McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which also contain no meat.

Since he has been in office, Donald Trump has spent $102 million of taxpayer money on extra travel, much of it to his corporation’s properties. The figure has riled even some conservative groups, who contend Hillary Clinton only would have spent about $100 million on covering up the multiple murders ordered by her and her husband.

Anna from Marketing, love the new hair color! I didn’t know it was safe to dye down there.

Teresa May was forced to step down as Britain’s prime minister last week after failing to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union. May said she was proud of her tumultuous tenure, believing it would bring about “peace in our time.”

Actor Kit Harington, who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, reportedly checked himself into rehab to deal with the show’s conclusion. Following the final episode, he was joined by several thousand of the show’s devoted fans.

Jerry, that’s not the plot of Gorillas in the Mist.

A baby weighing just 8.6 ounces when she was born in a San Diego hospital several months ago has officially been released, making her the smallest surviving baby on record. The child’s parents remain worried about her future, as their insurance only covers babies born heavier than four pounds.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Disneyland’s latest expansion, is set to open this Friday. According to leaked documents, the attraction will feature everyone’s favorite characters from the Star Wars universe, including Styron Dispassionate, Arkham Stan, and the notorious Corellian bounty hunter Wiernot Eventrying.

REMINDER: In the event of an evacuation, do not use the stairs. They haven’t been renovated in years and are NOT up to code.

In an extraordinary move, Robert Mueller held a press conference today to highlight some of the findings from his team’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” Mueller said in the course of his profane and wide-ranging remarks, “and we let ’em off the hook.”

For the first time in the country’s history, Israel’s parliament has voted to dissolve and hold new elections after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a coalition government. “We will survive this,” Israeli MP Amir Peretz told reporters Monday, “And then talk about how we did for the next 2,000 years.”

Repeat after me:

YOU DON’T

WIN WARS

WITH AVOCADO TOAST.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/16/19

Good afternoon defense contractors,

Apologies for the delay in sending this week’s memo- we were busy diversifying our portfolio in anticipation of the forthcoming hostilities. We’ve already made a major investment in what is sure to be the hottest commodity to come out of a full-blown US-Iran conflict: Argo 2!

Business!

Britney Spears’ manager says she may never return to her Las Vegas residency, or to any sort of performance. He has released a video urging the public to leave his client alone.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made a cameo appearance in last Sunday’s installment of Game of Thrones. Fans were disappointed he didn’t audible out of the show’s script.

Anna from our Moldovan office, good luck in the Eurovision Semifinal tonight! I promise to “Stay” with you all night long 😉

The House Ways & Means Committee has issued subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, instructing them to hand over Donald Trump’s tax returns by this Friday at the latest. Mnuchin and Rettig say they have already delivered the documents to the committee in an inconspicuous can labeled “MIXED NUTS.”

The US State Department has ordered all nonemergency personnel out of Iraq. The move takes the number of diplomats in the country from zero to zero.

Jerry, you are not Andrew Yang’s running mate.

According to the Social Security Administration, 11 children named “Cersei” were born in the United States in 2017. There was also one named “Harry Strickland,” but he quickly died.

In related news, three people were shot dead with a crossbow this week in Passau, Germany. The city has closed all bathrooms until further notice.

Congratulations to everyone who performed in our companywide talent show last night! Jasmine from IT, I didn’t know you could fit that many knives into your left nostril! Way to use that coke habit.

Andrew Munday, a British accountant who stole over $3 million from singer Rita Ora and other high-profile clients, has been sentenced to six years in prison. Munday is said to be seeking extradition to the United States, where Goldman Sachs has offered him the position of CFO.

The price of a single Bitcoin has climbed back up over $7,000, its highest mark this year. Experts predict it will reach $1 trillion by August.

Really looking forward to Gone with the Wind 2. That sequel is WAY overdue.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/18/19

Happy Mueller Report Day, [redacted]! You had to wait for this special edition of the memo just like Congress had to wait to find out that [redacted] discovered the true identity of [redacted] while surveilling [redacted], which led to [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and a generous [redacted] of [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] steak frites.

Absolutely [redacted].

[REDACTED]!

A new study indicates that workers who fake positivity while serving customers are at greater risk for heavy drinking when they get off work. In response to calls to change its policies, TGI Friday’s has instead created a pilot program called “TGI AA.”

A new study has found high numbers of microplastic particles in the air in France’s Pyrenees Mountains, leading one researcher to label microplastic “a new atmospheric pollutant.” As a result, Netflix has stopped streaming The Graduate.

Anna from Compliance, nice cameo in Game of Thrones! I wish you’d let me ride you like you let Jon Snow 😉.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that she wants to take the California bar exam by 2022. Kardashian said she plans to uphold the family tradition of being famous for anything other than practicing law.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has declared that, if re-elected, he will begin annexing the West Bank. The move has inspired Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to vow that if he is re-elected, he will begin nuking Pakistan.

Jerry, apologize to the people of France.

UK grocery chain Waitrose has pulled an assortment of Easter ducks in which the dark chocolate piece was labeled “Ugly” after accusations of racism. The store has said it plans to re-release the collection with the duck instead labeled “Objectively Beautiful But Systemically Devalued Through Years Of Unchecked Imperialism, Colonial Aggression, And Unrealistically Eurocentric Beauty Standards (Trust Us, We Would Know, We’re British).”

Donald Trump tweeted this week that he will award the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, to Tiger Woods. “He’s become a role model for a lot of people, including me,” Trump said in a statement, “by sleeping with so, so many women.”

In anticipation of Easter, the HR team has been at it like rabbits! They’ve gone and hidden special festive eggs all around the office. What kind, you ask? Why, the only kind that’s been proven to defend against autoimmune diseases, of course: tapeworm! Happy hunting!

In a letter released last Thursday, retired Pope Benedict blamed the child sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. “If those people hadn’t had kids,” Benedict wrote, “and then their kids hadn’t had kids, and then those kids hadn’t had kids, none of this would have ever happened.”

A new report says FEMA may have exposed the personal information of some 2.3 million disaster survivors. “There is obviously a silver lining here,” FEMA press secretary Lizzie Litzow said in a statement, “any leaked addresses are unusable.”

I can’t believe [redacted] peed on [redacted] while [redacted] watched! The Steele Dossier was [redacted]!

We’re all [redacted].

-The [redacted]

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

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