Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/6/18

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you laundered that money, remember?

The Ukrainians, the Russians… you name it. Who didn’t “look after” us in our time of need? Oh, and don’t worry, we “took care” of that journalist. As in… killed him. Dead. Deady dead. Night night. Oh- hey, Paul, can you hold on a second?

Hello, plebeians! Didn’t see you there. Just catching up with my old friend Paul Manafort on a VERY secure line. He is definitely NOT GUILTY. MANY LIVES RUINED BY THIS FAKE “RUSSIA” “PROBE!”

BUSINESS.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is stepping down. Sources say Schultz may run for president, where he would inherit a proud tradition of making black people feel unwelcome.

A Swedish nuclear physicist has created an app that acts as a contraceptive by using a mathematical algorithm to determine when it is safe to have unprotected sex. The app’s working title is “Babe, trust me.”

Everyone please welcome Anna from Finance back from her monthlong sabbatical in Thailand! Cholera is a small price to pay for all that relaxation.

Donald Trump canceled the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ planned visit to the White House yesterday. Though Trump said it was a response to the NFL’s national anthem protests, sources close to the reality host said he has feared unwanted guests ever since he was visited by three ghosts last Christmas.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund, created to ensure financial stability for future generations, is now valued at $1 trillion. The country has been able to save so much by investing heavily in public schools, social services, and universal healthcare.

Jerry, you are not dating Grimes.

Irish citizens overwhelmingly voted to overturn their country’s ban on abortion last month, endangering the lives of no one.

A Republican candidate for governor of Massachusetts who believes the Holocaust was orchestrated by gay Nazis gained enough support at the party’s recent convention to appear on the ballot this fall. He is expected to receive as many votes as people he believes were killed in the Holocaust.

Great news! 90% of our workforce qualified for federal aid last year, up a whopping 6% from the year prior! As the kids say, keep gettin dem (government) checks!!

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho plans to simultaneously marry two women in a ceremony later this month. “As one of the greatest futbol players ever,” Ronaldinho said in a statement, “I am used to squeezing balls between two people.”

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher of California recently declared his view that homeowners should be able to refuse to sell their houses to gay people. “I don’t know why gay people think they need a home,” Rohrbacher told reporters, “when all they really need is the closet.”

Wait, really? You and Putin did what?

Oh, Paul… you’re fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/22/17

Helloooooooooo, потенциал национальной безопасности Советники! Я думал, что “МакМастер” был довольно прохладный Кодовое нашей инфильтрации. Он удивительно реалистичное, не так ли? Спасибо, спасибо … Я binged Westworld на прошлой неделе. БИЗНЕС.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer and New York’s Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect recently traded barbs on Twitter following a rash of anti-Semitic incidents around the US.  The latter is reportedly distressed by the former’s intention to create the need for many more such centers in the future.

Canadian conglomerate Restaurant Brands, which owns both Burger King and Tim Hortons, is nearing a deal to acquire fried chicken chain Popeyes.  If the purchase is successful, the company will be responsible for approximately 32% of all heart attacks in North America each year.

Анна из сельского хозяйства, Вы уверены, что знаете, как коллективизировать! О времени кто-то сделал это правильно.

Republicans in Congress have declared their intentions to roll back the Endangered Species Act.  Many expect the decision will backfire in two years, when it will no longer be there to protect them.

The 2017 Eurovision song competition is in jeopardy after 21 members of the Ukrainian organizing team quit following a change of leadership.  Various European countries have since expressed surprise that Vladimir Putin would start his coup with the Eurovision organizing team.

Джерри, Чернобыль не был “ложный флаг”.

Notorious Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe says that Americans should give Donald Trump a chance.  “I didn’t kill 20,000 civilians overnight,” Mugabe said in a recent press conference.  “I worked up to it.”

Breitbart “News” senior editor Milo Yiannopolous has resigned after his past comments condoning pedophilia were uncovered.  Yiannopolous claims his remarks were taken out of context, an excuse experts say won’t work at his next position in hell.

Завтра Национальная оборона Дня Отечества! Помните … нет ничего за его пределами.

Scientists have created, and subsequently destroyed, the first half-human, half-pig embryo, but not before Donald Trump says it voted illegally in the 2016 presidential election.

The United States Tennis Association has formally apologized to Germany for performing the country’s Nazi-era national anthem before a recent Fed Cup match.  “We are deeply, deeply sorry,” USTA spokesperson Matt Griner told members of the German media, “for assuming you were on our side.”

Как мой русский бабушка говорила: «Без науки нет пыток, и мы все здесь для науки».

– председатель

PS- Я извиняюсь за ранее анекдоте Евровидения. Будьте уверены, что я убил гей-цыгана, который отвечает за него. Приветствую.

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 11/6/16

T-minus two days til #Electpocalypse©.  Time for another late night information du-uh, MEMO.  Yes… sweet business…

Ben & Jerry’s and New Belgium Brewing have teamed up to create a chocolate chip cookie dough ale, available now in select states.  Industry experts are calling the new brew “a pedophile’s dream.”

Archaeologists have unearthed a corpse in northwestern China that was buried under a shroud of cannabis.  Those same archaeologists were devastated to discover the skeleton was actually a prop from the upcoming Chinese remake of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Paging Anna from Legal.  Anna from Legal, you left your black velvet bra on the table in Conference Room B.  PS- Nice!

A Ukrainian prankster who tried to kiss Kim Kardashian’s butt in the days before she was robbed at Paris fashion week claims he was using the stunt to advocate for natural beauty.  “Yeah, yup, oh yeah,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the man’s defense.  “Me too.”

In further Kardashian knews, Kim and her husband Kanye Wests’ former bodyguard tells the New York Daily News that he thinks the aforementioned robbery may have been an elaborate publicity stunt.  “I’m not saying they’re lying, I’m just saying they know how to fool a very large number of people,” now-actor Steve Stanulis told the paper.  “I mean, her dad convinced everyone he was a dude for a pretty long time.”

Jerry, you are not polling better than Jill Stein.

Glee actress Dianna Agron has married Mumford and Sons’ singer Winston Marshall.  The bride and groom are said to have a lot in common, including pretending that its 2009 forever.

The Pentagon announced that a top al Qaeda leader has been killed in an airstrike in Afghanistan.  “Unfortunately,” Pentagon defense analyst Richard Morgan wrote in a statement, “that still leaves 33,000 of Hillary Clinton’s emails unaccounted for.”

Company fantasy football league update: Graham Gano remains available.

A new report from ocean conservation group Oceana shows that 20% of all seafood served worldwide is mislabeled, costing consumers about $15 billion annually.  “Huh,” said computer programmer Segun Akindele when told about the news, “I didn’t know bankers were getting into fish.”

Tesla CEO Elon Musk is still trying to figure out why his SpaceX Falcon 9 Spacecraft exploded before takeoff several weeks ago.  “As the smartest person in the world, I’m very frustrated,” Musk told reporters.  “Somebody fucked up- possibly everybody.  Everybody but me.”

Wow, so much election news!  And not a single story of businesses destroying the environment, pension funds or the housing market…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/5/14

Good Evening,
 
So far, this week has been the company’s most productive in decades.  Coincidence? I THINK NOT.  Business!
 
Scientists at Stanford University may have found the molecular basis for hair color.  “Today, we are one step closer to our goal,” said research specialist Catherine Guenther, lead author of the landmark study, “a world without gingers.”
 
A supervisor at Atkinson Cotton Warehouse in Memphis, Tennessee threatened to hang a black employee for drinking from a “white people only” water fountain.  “We will not tolerate this sort of bigotry,” said outraged owner of the warehouse, E.W. Atkinson.  “We would expect this in Europe, but not here.”

For the third year in a row, Anna from accounting has beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity!  This year, she raised over $45!
 
An American University law professor made the case to a group of senators Tuesday that, if spending money constitutes free speech, outlawing prostitution is unconstitutional.  His comments were followed by a brief silence, broken only by one senator’s excited cry of “Told ya!”
 
Though she died in 1996, Bulgarian prophet Vanga appears to have predicted Crimea’s split from Ukraine.  Her most prescient quatrain, from 1987, reads, “A land… a certain kind of land, inhabited by people… will change.”

Jerry, it remains inappropriate to repeatedly tell our female employees to “lean in.”
 
Video has emerged of Justin Bieber repeatedly using the N-word.  The video, taken five years ago when the singer was only 14, proves once again that we have only ourselves to blame.
 
General Motors has apologized for sending recall notices to the families of victims of recall-related accidents.  Not because of the sentiment, but because they were printed on what one company spokesman called “substandard paper.”
 
Betting is officially open on June’s Employee of the Month race!  Stop by the seventh floor OTB and lay your money down.  Current favorite: Jared from IT at 5:1.
 
A Missouri woman has been charged with felony theft after raising thousands of dollars from donors who thought she had terminal cancer.  “I should’ve known,” said deceived donor Amanda Shillingsworth, 24.  “Real cancer patients just deal meth.”

A Florida man has declared himself a sovereign state in order to avoid sending his 8 year-old daughter to school.  As his total assets amount to over $15, he is expected to become a full member of the European Union within the month.

I just want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your exceptional ability to derive inspiration from these incredible memos.
 
-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/19/14

Evening sports fans,
 
Let the Madness begin!  The Business Madness, that is.  Gambling is illegal!
 
18 year-old German-American soccer player Julian Green has elected to play for the United States instead of Germany at the upcoming World Cup.  The Florida native is said to feel much more comfortable in America, where peeing on people will never be sexy.

Hundreds of students have occupied Taiwan’s legislature to protest a trade pact with China that, according to one student, “seems hella unfair.”

For the latest on the situation in Ukraine, let’s go to our chief Eastern Bloc correspondent, Anna from payroll.  Anna?

President Obama has filled out his March Madness bracket, picking Michigan State to win the National Championship.  “No matter what happens, all of our nation’s scholar-athletes are winners,” the President said in an interview, “except the ones that lose in this tournament and then fail to graduate.  Sucks for them.”

Malaysia Airlines flight 370 is still missing.  Anybody got any leads?

Passengers on a Greyhound bus from New York to Washington, D.C. were stranded at a Delaware rest stop for several hours early Monday morning due to inclement weather.  “It was a little inconvenient,” said Russ Gerrit, 56, “but I did get the best handjob of my life.”

Anna?

Russia is reportedly “concerned” with the treatment of ethnic Russians in neighboring Estonia, prompting fears of further instability in the region.  “Estonia is not letting ethnic Soviets be Soviets,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “er, I mean… Russians.  Ethnic Russians and Russians.  What’d I say?”
 
This week, comedian Russell Brand made an impassioned plea to the United Nations to decriminalize drug use.  Speaking at a drug-related conference in Vienna, Brand said, “My ex-wife is dating John Mayer, but I can’t do heroin without going to jail.  That is so messed up.”
 
Jerry, SDSU actually stands for “San Diego State University.”
 
Researchers have discovered “gravitational waves” that further support the Big Bang Theory of the universe’s creation and expansion.  God has been unavailable for comment, as he is busy keeping track of who’s having sex before marriage.
 
Authorities have shut down a California-based drug ring that included a voodoo priest and possessed about 100 firearms.  The hero of the case was detective Matthew-McConaughey-in-Ten-Years.

Anna?

Paleontologists have extracted a huge fossilized mammoth tusk from a Seattle construction site.  The tusk has been signed to Sub Pop records and is expected to release its debut EP, “Tusk ‘Til Dawn,” sometime in mid-April.

Oh my god… Anna’s dead.

-The Chairman

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