Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/17/19

The memo: one small step for man, one giant leap… for business.

Fifty years ago this Saturday, man first set foot on the moon. The richest 1% of Americans’ share of the national income has more than doubled in the years since, leading many never to learn what the moon is.

German defense minister Ursula von der Leyden has been confirmed as the first female president of the European Commission. Donald Trump responded to the news by masturbating.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on paying off your student loans! And Happy Birthday! The big 7-0.

New research shows that a paste made of bananas, chickpeas, soy, peanuts, and several oils and micronutrients can help to reestablish a healthy microbiome in malnourished children. In children with severe peanut allergies, the effects are short-lived.

A federal judge has ruled that rapper Ja Rule did not commit fraud relating to his participation in 2017’s infamous Fyre Festival. Mr. Rule responded to the verdict by removing his shirt in the courtroom and asking the judge “WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BABAY?”

Jerry, I was born here.

Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has died at the age of 99. While serving on the court, Stevens was known for his flamboyant bowties and for never guessing how far it would fall.

Actress Lashana Lynch will reportedly portray the first ever black, female 007 in the next James Bond film. Bond’s famous nemesis Jaws will reportedly appear in the film as well, played by institutional racism.

It’s World Emoji Day! Reminder: eggplants are sexual harassment.

Wolf of Wall Street producer Joey McFarland has agreed to return $14 million worth of cash and gifts tied to a money laundering scandal involving the Malaysian government’s strategic development fund. He is expected to recoup the money in a sequel to the film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as himself and Scarlett Johansson as the Malaysian Prime Minister.

A Brazilian woman this week threw a priest to the ground during his sermon after he said, “fat women don’t go to heaven.” The woman said she was just trying to get some exercise.

Houston, we have a problem.

And it is the ubiquitous threat of unionization.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/1/19

Happy International Labor Day, laborers! Periodic reminder: This is a “right to work” business, meaning you are right to work and wrong not to! If you strike today (or any other day, for that matter), there is a clause in your contract that entitles me to half of everything you own! We’re basically married, and infidelity, as any Real Housewife will tell you, can be veeeeeeeery costly…

Business!

Joe Biden has officially announced his candidacy for president. The move has been hailed as “visionary” by Joe Biden.

Both of the top seeds in this year’s NHL playoffs, the Calgary Flames and the Tampa Bay Lightning, lost in the first round. The results came as a shock to many who thought the NHL was defunct.

Anna from Development, who’d’ve thought you’d be the Helen of Troy of Venezuela?

In further Anna news, Anna Sorokin, a.k.a. Anna Delvey, has been found guilty of second-degree grand larceny after posing as an heiress and scamming various friends and financial entities out of $275,000. Sorokin has asked for a delayed sentence so that she can at least meet the scamming threshold to someday become president.

According to a recent study, sleep deprivation can lead to smaller testicle size. In related news, researchers believe they’ve finally discovered why bears hibernate.

Jerry, you are not the new emperor of Japan.

3M is cutting 2,000 jobs worldwide. The company cited the uncertain future of Scotch tape post-Brexit.

Donald Trump has proposed instituting a fee for seeking asylum in the United States. Payment can be made by check or via Deutsche Bank Quickpay.

Starting today, our new healthcare provider is Costa Rica! Our relationship with Aetna has ended, so going forward please visit Trevor in Basement Suite D to book any necessary (or voluntary!) medical travel.

A measles outbreak has led to quarantines on the campuses of both UCLA and California State University, Los Angeles. The virus had plans to get into USC as well before it was revealed never to have actually played soccer.

Indonesia will reportedly move its capital from Jakarta because the city is slowly sinking. American conservatives have called the report another example of the left spreading egregious lies about climate change by making up a city called “Jakarta.”

… I think we should start seeing other people.

Cheaper people. In other countries. With less regulation and more lenient tax structures.

I’m just tired of supporting you financially.

-The Chairman

Standard