Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/1/20

Good Morning Flat-Curvers,

April Fools! It is neither “good” nor the “morning.”

Business!

For the first time since World War II, Wimbledon has been canceled. Would-be competitors are being urged to practice activities that allow for appropriate distancing from others, such as tennis.

President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus has touted hockey, vodka, and traditional saunas known as “banyas” as treatments for the coronavirus. “That is the wrong message to be sending,” Director of the United States National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters on Tuesday. “Only two out of three of those work.”

Anna from the infirmary, seems everybody wants a piece of you! Especially me 😉

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. Since the diagnosis, the number one Google search in Britain has been, “How can a virus catch a virus?” 

The World Happiness Report recently ranked Finland as the world’s happiest country for the third year in a row. The organization has since updated its rankings to account for coronavirus, replacing Finland with Madagascar.

Jerry, roller derby is not an “essential service.”

A Democratic congressman from South Carolina has tested positive for coronavirus. Republican leaders have said the diagnosis should serve as a warning to all future Democrats planning to run in the state.

The head of the Philippines armed forces has also tested positive for coronavirus. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters about the news, “he’s the head of a non-Western military, so we were gonna kill him soon anyway.”

If you haven’t already, please download Tor. This could go on for a while and we’re gonna do some really illegal shit!

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton has reportedly recovered from coronavirus. Authorities are still questioning Gregg Williams in relation to the infection.

In other recovery news, a 102-year-old woman in Italy has beaten COVID-19. When asked her secret, Italica Grondona replied, “Not living in the United States.”

Will it be April Fools… forever?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!

BUSINESS.

The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/24/19

Members of the House Judiciary Committee,

It is I, Roberto Muellero! Yo soy Robert Mueller’s evil twin, sent here to deceive you with unsatisfying answers to your carefully thought out questions! I am evil because I am IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY. And you will never catch me, not until I get FREE HEALTHCARE. Oh, and I have 12-15 ANCHOR BABIES. Es perfecto!

Buisenesso!

An Iowa state official was forced to resign last week after emailing Tupac quotes to his colleagues. The man’s colleagues are white.

The Pentagon accidentally revealed that it has been conducting a secret mission in and around Washington, D.C. In acknowledging the mission’s existence, the Department of Defense said it had already fulfilled its primary objective of wasting millions of taxpayer dollars.

Anna from HR, thank you for curating our outdoor summer film series! Debbie Does Dallas was QUITE the opener.

Mike Pence’s daughter Charlotte is engaged. The vice president is said to be “relieved” that her fiancé’s conversion therapy worked.

Great Britain says three Iranian ships tried to block a British oil tanker as it navigated the Straits of Hormuz last month. Iran has vehemently denied the report, saying all of its ships have been in port being fitted with nuclear weapons.

Jerry, you did not color correct Alita: Battle Angel.

The United States government has fined Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations. The company responded by recommending several other entities for the government to fine, making a short video montage commemorating the decision, and determining FTC Commissioner Rohit Chopra is a Slytherin.

France is instituting an 18€ tax on plane flights emanating from the country and plans to use the proceeds to fund green transportation initiatives. Many of the country’s citizens are worried about the levy’s effect on tourism, in that it may not do enough to prevent it. 

I’d like to take a moment to recognize our Tokyo office. Is that… no, it can’t be. Is it? Wait a second… yup, that’s it!

A chess grandmaster has admitted to cheating by using his phone in the toilet during a recent match. “I never could have anticipated that I would be caught,” 58-year-old Igors Rausis said after the incident, “but then I remembered everyone who plays chess at this level is a pervert.”

Legendary computer scientist Alan Turing will soon appear on the British 50 pound note. The Bank of England is encouraging people to use the bill for everything except government-mandated sterilization of gay people.

Ha, you fools! It was I, Robert Mueller, all along! I have no evil twin (unless you count Ken Starr), just an unwavering desire to be seen as above the political fray, even if it undermines the credibility of myself and my team! And I will be victorious! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR.






These preguntas are loco.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/18/19

Happy Mueller Report Day, [redacted]! You had to wait for this special edition of the memo just like Congress had to wait to find out that [redacted] discovered the true identity of [redacted] while surveilling [redacted], which led to [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and a generous [redacted] of [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] steak frites.

Absolutely [redacted].

[REDACTED]!

A new study indicates that workers who fake positivity while serving customers are at greater risk for heavy drinking when they get off work. In response to calls to change its policies, TGI Friday’s has instead created a pilot program called “TGI AA.”

A new study has found high numbers of microplastic particles in the air in France’s Pyrenees Mountains, leading one researcher to label microplastic “a new atmospheric pollutant.” As a result, Netflix has stopped streaming The Graduate.

Anna from Compliance, nice cameo in Game of Thrones! I wish you’d let me ride you like you let Jon Snow 😉.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that she wants to take the California bar exam by 2022. Kardashian said she plans to uphold the family tradition of being famous for anything other than practicing law.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has declared that, if re-elected, he will begin annexing the West Bank. The move has inspired Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to vow that if he is re-elected, he will begin nuking Pakistan.

Jerry, apologize to the people of France.

UK grocery chain Waitrose has pulled an assortment of Easter ducks in which the dark chocolate piece was labeled “Ugly” after accusations of racism. The store has said it plans to re-release the collection with the duck instead labeled “Objectively Beautiful But Systemically Devalued Through Years Of Unchecked Imperialism, Colonial Aggression, And Unrealistically Eurocentric Beauty Standards (Trust Us, We Would Know, We’re British).”

Donald Trump tweeted this week that he will award the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, to Tiger Woods. “He’s become a role model for a lot of people, including me,” Trump said in a statement, “by sleeping with so, so many women.”

In anticipation of Easter, the HR team has been at it like rabbits! They’ve gone and hidden special festive eggs all around the office. What kind, you ask? Why, the only kind that’s been proven to defend against autoimmune diseases, of course: tapeworm! Happy hunting!

In a letter released last Thursday, retired Pope Benedict blamed the child sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. “If those people hadn’t had kids,” Benedict wrote, “and then their kids hadn’t had kids, and then those kids hadn’t had kids, none of this would have ever happened.”

A new report says FEMA may have exposed the personal information of some 2.3 million disaster survivors. “There is obviously a silver lining here,” FEMA press secretary Lizzie Litzow said in a statement, “any leaked addresses are unusable.”

I can’t believe [redacted] peed on [redacted] while [redacted] watched! The Steele Dossier was [redacted]!

We’re all [redacted].

-The [redacted]

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/2/18

Good morning, mercenaries! Welcome to day 2,963 of the bloody conflict in Syria! In case you were wondering, our profits have netted out to about $36,500 per day. Not bad for the Middle East! In fact, we estimate that at war’s end (~2035), we will own 98% of all Syrian oil. Hubba hubba!

Now that’s what I call liberation.

Business!

The New York Times is reporting that, while serving as state senator, EPA chief Scott Pruitt bought an Oklahoma house from a lobbyist. Pruitt reportedly used the house to fuck his mistress: the planet.

The six biggest banks in the United States saved $3.6 billion last quarter thanks to last year’s Republican tax bill. All six say the money will be much better spent on a small number of shareholders than on “the public schools none of them attended.”

Thanks for the endorsement, Anna from LinkedIn! I had no IDEA you’d seen me do mime.

The United Kingdom plans to ban plastic straws, stirrers, and cotton swabs. The proposed ban follows a similar one on toothbrushes from 1575.

Donald Trump has asked several African nations to support a US-led bid for a 2026 North American World Cup. “We really need your voluntary support,” Trump said in a recent press conference, “just like your people voluntarily supported us in creating a thriving, cotton-based economy in the American South throughout the 18th and 19th centuries.”

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

A picture of a Spanish woman has gone viral because of her stunning resemblance to Donald Trump. After seeing the photo, Mike Pence is no longer allowed to be alone in the same room as his boss.

DMX’s lawyer played the rapper’s song Slippin’ in court last week in the hopes the judge might lessen her client’s sentence for tax evasion. The attorney said she was inspired by fellow rapper Xzibit’s sex trafficking trial last year, which featured several screened episodes of Pimp My Ride.

COFFEEPOTS! Who’s got em?

The Lyrid Meteor Shower peaked last weekend. Oops.

Wireless companies T-Mobile and Sprint have announced plans to merge. Negotiations are ongoing, as their calls keep dropping.

Keep on fighting, rebels! We $tand with you.

-The Chairman

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