Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/8/20

Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
The socialist!
Ding, dong, the wicked witch is deaaaaaaaaad

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s morning again in America. With Bernie Sanders officially out of the race for the presidency, our investments in private health insurers, frackers, and defense contractors are set to SKYROCKET just as soon as the weakest among us have been culled by this pandemic. Finally, there is hope of getting somebody in the White House who isn’t just a foulmouthed loose cannon, but also an unrepentant plagiarista discreet sexual assaulter, and a hypocritical corporate shill!

Hail to the chief… of BUSINESS.

The CDC is recommending that all Americans wear masks when in public to avoid contracting the novel coronavirus, but Donald Trump has said he will not do so. Many of Trump’s harshest critics have praised the businessman’s “strong, principled decision” on the matter.

New York Knicks owner James Dolan has tested positive for coronavirus. To boost awareness of the virus, Dolan has announced he will be renaming his band to “JD And The State Spike (In Novel Coronavirus Cases).”

Anna from Communications, excellent work convincing the relevant authorities that all of our employees are essential! Now get over here and allow me thank you properly…

The US Justice Department has charged embattled Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro with narcoterrorism. Attorney General William Barr wrote in the indictment that Maduro’s ceaseless trafficking of cocaine and amphetamines “has undermined the transport of important lifesaving drug hydroxychloroquine to Americans suffering from coronavirus.”

In a related story, the US Food & Drug Administration has ordered that heartburn drug Zantac be pulled from shelves immediately, along with any other drugs that are not hydroxychloroquine.

Jerry, your legal name is not “Bhagavan ‘Doc’ Maldonado-Passage.”

New York City’s Governor’s Ball music festival has been canceled to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. Many prospective attendees have said they plan on contracting the virus anyway “to get some sweet scripts.”

Music industry mogul David Geffen opened himself up to criticism last week after posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines” on his megayacht due to COVID-19. In response to the backlash, Geffen issued a statement saying he was opening his yacht up to all first responders within two nautical miles.

Chag Pesach sameach to our Finance Department!

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has strongly suggested that American citizens abroad return home immediately. American citizens abroad have replied, “No.”

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for coronavirus. Animal rights activist Carole Baskin has offered to adopt the sick animal, telling zoo staff, “I’m sure he’s hungry, and Howard’s really been getting on my nerves lately.”

God, I feel so relieved. Thank you to all those in Wisconsin who died bringing this favorable election outcome to bear.

And hey, it’s almost Easter, so… you never know.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/1/20

Good Morning Flat-Curvers,

April Fools! It is neither “good” nor the “morning.”

Business!

For the first time since World War II, Wimbledon has been canceled. Would-be competitors are being urged to practice activities that allow for appropriate distancing from others, such as tennis.

President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus has touted hockey, vodka, and traditional saunas known as “banyas” as treatments for the coronavirus. “That is the wrong message to be sending,” Director of the United States National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters on Tuesday. “Only two out of three of those work.”

Anna from the infirmary, seems everybody wants a piece of you! Especially me 😉

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. Since the diagnosis, the number one Google search in Britain has been, “How can a virus catch a virus?” 

The World Happiness Report recently ranked Finland as the world’s happiest country for the third year in a row. The organization has since updated its rankings to account for coronavirus, replacing Finland with Madagascar.

Jerry, roller derby is not an “essential service.”

A Democratic congressman from South Carolina has tested positive for coronavirus. Republican leaders have said the diagnosis should serve as a warning to all future Democrats planning to run in the state.

The head of the Philippines armed forces has also tested positive for coronavirus. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters about the news, “he’s the head of a non-Western military, so we were gonna kill him soon anyway.”

If you haven’t already, please download Tor. This could go on for a while and we’re gonna do some really illegal shit!

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton has reportedly recovered from coronavirus. Authorities are still questioning Gregg Williams in relation to the infection.

In other recovery news, a 102-year-old woman in Italy has beaten COVID-19. When asked her secret, Italica Grondona replied, “Not living in the United States.”

Will it be April Fools… forever?

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/26/20

Happy National Spinach Day, quarantiners! Hope you’ve got some in your freezer…

Apologies for the delay in this week’s memo- I had to wait for the unemployment numbers to come out so I could remind you all that you still have jobs, and thus must pledge your undying fealty to me and the company for the rest of your lives, day and night, no matter the hour or the pay.

Oh, and if you’ve been laid off this morning, your health insurance terminates tomorrow.

BUSINESS.

Lawyers for Bill Cosby are petitioning to have him released from jail due to his fears of contracting coronavirus. Cosby has reportedly refused to drink anything for weeks.

A member of Mike Pence’s staff has tested positive for coronavirus. Pence has since reported that the staffer has been healed by “believing he is straight.”

Anna from Finance, why do you turn off your Zoom in the bathroom?

The nations of the Group of Seven released separate statements about the coronavirus pandemic this week after the United States pushed to include the term “Wuhan virus” in a joint statement. There were said to be other language issues as well, such as Canada’s addition of, “Donald Trump is a fucking idiot” and France’s desired inclusion of, “At this point, honestly, what the fuck.”

After receiving widespread criticism, McDonald’s has halted a new ad campaign that separated its iconic golden arches in a nod to social distancing. Instead, the chain has said it will begin wrapping each patty of future Big Macs individually.

Jerry, now is not the time for your “Second Declaration of the Rights of Man.”

Donald Trump sent a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un last week offering cooperation with containing the spread of the coronavirus. “Don’t worry,” Trump told reporters when pressed about the correspondence, “I sprinkled a little duck sauce on the envelope.”

University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has released a PSA urging fans to stay home to avoid spreading the coronavirus. “If you happen to see other people,” Saban says in the spot, “do what I did with the Miami Dolphins: don’t say anything, just run away.”

For those of you concerned: Yes, we do have ventilators. Two thousand to be exact, sitting in the warehouse and ready to be used for employees as needed.

Republican Senator Kevin Cramer of North Dakota recently tweeted that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “retarded” for her comments about her party’s coronavirus funding bill. “I didn’t mean literally retarded,” Cramer later clarified, “I just meant, you know, expendable for the sake of the economy.”

Instagram has released a new co-watching option that allows friends to watch videos on the platform together. The feature, developed last year, is called “COVID-19.”

Look on the bright side, friends- weekends are extinct!

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/19/20

OK this isn’t funny anymore. Gramercy Tavern is closed.

Let’s get right to the business.

As of Thursday, there were 218,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus, worldwide. Cases are expected to rise sharply in the United States, where the only individuals able to be tested so far have been pro athletes.

The Cannes Film Festival has been postponed due to coronavirus. “Given the current circumstances,” Festival President Pierre Lescure told reporters, “we have decided to give all of this year’s prizes to the 2015 film Room.”

Don’t forget, Anna from IT, you’re on mandatory work from (my) home!

Idris Elba has been diagnosed with coronavirus. Producers of the James Bond franchise have since released a statement reading, “We are so disappointed that Idris is now forever disqualified from playing James Bond.”

Actor Kristofer Hivju, who played Tormund Giantsbane on Game of Thrones, has also tested positive for the virus. Hivju refuses to confirm or deny that he got it from fucking a bear.

Jerry, gin and tonics do not “ward off” the coronavirus.

Two members of Congress have tested positive for COVID-19. Rep. Ben McAdams (D-UT) has called his diagnosis a wake-up call, urging Americans to think not of people like him, who have ample financial and other resources to deal with the virus, and instead focus on those less able to avoid infection and receive treatment, while Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-FL) has pushed for aggressive new tax cuts.

The governor of Minnesota has signed an executive order designating grocery store workers as emergency employees during the coronavirus pandemic, allowing them access to free childcare. Governor Tim Walz said the extra care would not cost the state very much, as it consists of putting 20-40 children alone in a room labeled “QUARANTINE.”

If you haven’t signed up for Zoom already, what are you waiting for? And no, we will not reimburse.

Actress Vanessa Hudgens has apologized after making insensitive comments about the coronavirus pandemic on an Instagram Live broadcast this week. “Guys, I apologize, but, like, I get it,” Hudgens said on Twitter, “I mean, I did Rent Live! and, like, that’s about AIDS, too.”

Bernie Sanders won the Northern Mariana Islands Democratic presidential caucus on Saturday, gaining four for the territory’s six delegates. The caucus has taken on outsize importance this year because, in two months, the islands will be all that’s left.

Fuck- Eleven Madison Park, too? Fucking FUCK.

What is this, China?

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/24/19

Members of the House Judiciary Committee,

It is I, Roberto Muellero! Yo soy Robert Mueller’s evil twin, sent here to deceive you with unsatisfying answers to your carefully thought out questions! I am evil because I am IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY. And you will never catch me, not until I get FREE HEALTHCARE. Oh, and I have 12-15 ANCHOR BABIES. Es perfecto!

Buisenesso!

An Iowa state official was forced to resign last week after emailing Tupac quotes to his colleagues. The man’s colleagues are white.

The Pentagon accidentally revealed that it has been conducting a secret mission in and around Washington, D.C. In acknowledging the mission’s existence, the Department of Defense said it had already fulfilled its primary objective of wasting millions of taxpayer dollars.

Anna from HR, thank you for curating our outdoor summer film series! Debbie Does Dallas was QUITE the opener.

Mike Pence’s daughter Charlotte is engaged. The vice president is said to be “relieved” that her fiancé’s conversion therapy worked.

Great Britain says three Iranian ships tried to block a British oil tanker as it navigated the Straits of Hormuz last month. Iran has vehemently denied the report, saying all of its ships have been in port being fitted with nuclear weapons.

Jerry, you did not color correct Alita: Battle Angel.

The United States government has fined Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations. The company responded by recommending several other entities for the government to fine, making a short video montage commemorating the decision, and determining FTC Commissioner Rohit Chopra is a Slytherin.

France is instituting an 18€ tax on plane flights emanating from the country and plans to use the proceeds to fund green transportation initiatives. Many of the country’s citizens are worried about the levy’s effect on tourism, in that it may not do enough to prevent it. 

I’d like to take a moment to recognize our Tokyo office. Is that… no, it can’t be. Is it? Wait a second… yup, that’s it!

A chess grandmaster has admitted to cheating by using his phone in the toilet during a recent match. “I never could have anticipated that I would be caught,” 58-year-old Igors Rausis said after the incident, “but then I remembered everyone who plays chess at this level is a pervert.”

Legendary computer scientist Alan Turing will soon appear on the British 50 pound note. The Bank of England is encouraging people to use the bill for everything except government-mandated sterilization of gay people.

Ha, you fools! It was I, Robert Mueller, all along! I have no evil twin (unless you count Ken Starr), just an unwavering desire to be seen as above the political fray, even if it undermines the credibility of myself and my team! And I will be victorious! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR.






These preguntas are loco.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/26/19

Hello fellow women’s soccer stars,

The World Cup is on! And BOY, has it been… on!

I haven’t watched a minute, but that’s because I’ve been too busy doing research on the team.

Gotta be prepared. Business!

Former NBA Coach of the Year Don Nelson is now a marijuana farmer on Maui. “This gig is great,” Nelson said in a recent interview, “it keeps me in touch with a lot of current players.”

In further NBA news, the league is reportedly exploring shortening its regular season and creating an in-season tournament. The in-season tournament will reportedly be called “March Madness,” and it will involve unpaid college athletes playing for a small number of spots in the next year’s draft.

Don’t give up, Anna from Finance! Only $200 to go on your Kickstarter for new implants!

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs targeted towards China may raise the cost of Bibles in the United States. “This is clearly fake news,” Trump said in a statement, “God will not stop printing the Bible.”

In further Trump news, the businessman has denied a new rape allegation by writer E. Jean Carroll by saying, “She’s not my type.” When asked what his type was, Trump replied, “Beautiful clean coal.”

Jerry, you did not qualify for the Democratic debates.

A substitute teacher in Texas has been fired after she filmed a pornographic movie in her classroom. The teacher contends that she was unfairly targeted, as she’s seen “plenty” of porn filmed in schools.

The only police officer in Cement, Oklahoma has been arrested on child prostitution charges following a lengthy internal struggle.

If you’ve been suffering from indigestion lately, you’re not alone! In a cost-cutting measure, I’ve recently fired the entire cafeteria staff and replaced them with Guatemalans.

An internationally famous Russian poker player was found dead after being electrocuted while dying her hair. Friends said Lilya Novikova was “very smart with poker” and “that’s it.”

The oldest living European, 116-year-old Giuseppina Robucci, has died. Robucci credited her survival through two world wars that ravaged the continent to “hating the Jews when I needed to.”

Watching this team, I’ve gotten really good at dribbling.






… that was too far.









… even for me.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/19/19

Happy Juneteenth, everyone! Staying waaaaaaaaaaay the hell away from that one.

Business!

A therapy group in Boulder, Colorado meets regularly to discuss the health benefits of drinking urine. Donald Trump has denied that any tapes exist of him ever visiting Boulder, let alone attending a meeting.

Right-wing group “Super Happy Fun America” has applied for the necessary permits to host a “straight pride” parade in Boston this August, with Brad Pitt as its mascot. Pitt has since denounced the group’s use of his image, calling himself “a perfect Kinsey 3.”

Anna from Maintenance, is that you in those neti pot ads? I’d know that technique anywhere.

Warships from the United States and Russia nearly collided in the Pacific Ocean two weeks ago. “I saw the other ship and I thought it was one of ours,” Russian Captain Sergei Popov told RT after the incident, “cause, you know.”

Child pornography has been found in materials that conspiracy theorist Alex Jones sent to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook massacre. Jones has demanded it be returned to him immediately.

Jerry, you never dated Natalie Portman.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort will reportedly be imprisoned at Rikers Island. Manafort has told associates he has already struck a lucrative consulting deal with the Crips to represent the group’s interests in Ukraine.

A truck crashed outside of Bozeman, Montana last Monday while transporting 40,000 pounds of bees, releasing an estimated quarter of its cargo. Officials said that they find it suspicious that the crash occurred 13 years to the day after the release of The Wicker Man.

Do you live in constant fear of a sudden and inexplicable death? Stop by Conference Room C4 tomorrow at 3 PM for an introduction to our new company-sponsored life insurance program! No need to RSVP- you might not make it.

United States birth rates are at their lowest in 32 years. “We’d better correct this soon,” former US Senate candidate Roy Moore recently wrote on his personal blog, “VERY soon.”

Authorities in the Dominican Republic believe they have found the man who paid hitmen to shoot David Ortiz while the former baseball player was in the country last week. “My associate clearly misheard me,” the accused, Gabriel Alexander Perez Vizcaino, told authorities in his defense, “I said ‘take him out… to the ballgame.’”







… but when will whites get their own Juneteenth?

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/8/19

Happy Met Gala, poors! Who are you wearing today?

Oh, this old thing? It’s my aunt. She died last year.

BUSINESS.

A chartered Boeing 737 from Guantánamo Bay, Cuba slid off a Jacksonville runway last Friday, injuring 21. The pilots were said to be severely sleep deprived.

Soldiers in Benin last week fired on protesters following the country’s contentious parliamentary elections. Donald Trump has since tweeted his condolences to the country of Africa.

Anna from Finance, you be Meghan Markle, I’ll be the royal baby. I’m hungry!

Adele and husband Simon Konecki have split, reportedly at the behest of her label.

Intrepid viewers of last week’s episode of Game of Thrones noticed what appeared to be a Starbucks coffee cup in one of the shots, leading to speculation that the show’s producers will soon introduce Howard Schultz as a reasonable, centrist choice for the Iron Throne.

Jerry, that wasn’t Edie Falco.

Donald Trump tweeted Sunday that 2 years of his presidency were “stollen.” He then boasted that the next two would be “strudel, if not full Linzer torte!”

A shark found in the waters near Greenland last year may have been alive for over 400 years. Scientists were stunned that the United States existed for 240 of those years before jumping it.

Next time you go to the bathroom, smile- you’re on camera! After a rash of indiscriminate toilet paper theft, we’ve outfitted all on-campus facilities with state-of-the-art Japanese Zooirushi “Skippy Happy Bum Bum!” toilets. They see (and feel) all!

Since its inception last July, NASA’s newest mission, TESS, has discovered over 1,800 stars that could support habitable planets. Researchers have not yet found any such planets because they no longer remember what one looks like.

New York mayor Bill de Blasio is planning to announce his candidacy for president sometime this week. Aides say he will trumpet his signature progressive achievement: having mixed-race children.

Remember: wealth is a mysteriously accumulated and politically immutable force that must be displayed once a year, ostentatiously, at the celebration of a purely aesthetic nonprofit.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

Standard